


Hills on My Skin

by jbsullivan17



Series: Don't Let Me Go [13]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, No thank you, Pregnant Clarke, Rating May Change, So much angst it hurts, Tags Contain Spoilers, asshole bellamy, thats awkward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-01-22 19:47:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 49,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12489476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbsullivan17/pseuds/jbsullivan17
Summary: Clarke comes back home from Italy after being away six months and shocks everyone (especially Bellamy) with a surprise... good? Bad? Who the hell knows? I bet you wanna find out, I certainly do.





	1. Homecoming

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea where this came from and I am NOT sorry.
> 
> Title from First Love by Lost Kings (feat. Sabrina Carpenter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not that anyone probably cares, but updated June 29, 2018

She was angry. To be fair, she’s been angry for five—six?—months. She didn’t tell him because she knew he’d be jealous, she got to spend six months in France and Italy learning new painting techniques and seeing all the history and she was lucky. He didn’t get the grant he needed and the scholarships he had didn’t cover semesters abroad and so she didn’t want to rub it in. She’d miss him like crazy and would’ve tried calling as much as possible of course, but she didn’t want to rub it in his face that she did what he wanted.

Then they were at her farewell party and he refused to look at her let alone talk to her. The party was Octavia and Jasper’s idea, always in search for a reason to have a party, and Clarke didn’t exactly say no because she got to have all her favorite people around her the night before she leaves.

_“You’re seriously not going to talk to me all night?” she asked blocking him from the cooler of beer._

_He just glared at her and, sure, she knew he could easily lift her out of his way but the look in his eyes was more than anger and disdain, there was anguish and she never intended on hurting him. She just didn’t want to have him upset for the whole six months that she’s known and then it was a matter of timing and it was never the right time. So there they were, twelve hours before Clarke leaves and he’s refusing to talk to her._

_“Bellamy—“_

_“What the fuck do you want me to say? That I’m happy for you? That I wish you all the best? Well, I don’t because you can’t even trust me to be happy for you when you get an amazing opportunity to do what you love!”_

_Clarke looked around her apartment, thankful that Raven had the music blasting and no one heard him. “Come with me,” she said, pulling his arm to the hall where the bedrooms are but he didn’t budge._

_“I want a beer.”_

_“Bellamy, please.”_

_“Beer,” he said firmly and Clarke conceded as long as he followed her to her bedroom... Luna’s new bedroom._

_He did._

_“I didn’t want you to hate me.”_

_“I can’t hate you, Clarke. I envy you and that may be worse right now.”_

_“Okay, okay, I should have told you. I know that, but Bellamy, you would have hated me for the last six months and that’s all I thought you would do.”_

_“You have such low standards for me that you thought I’d hate you? Fuck you,” he sneered._

_“Bellamy...”_

_He took a step closer and said, “Fuck. You.”_

_The look in his eyes was something Clarke only vaguely thought about, a hunger, a lust, and she gave into her hope that it was for her. That Bellamy wanted her like she wanted him, more than best friends._

_“Fuck me,” Clarke said softly, licking her lips half embarrassed because he probably didn’t mean it the way she said it._

_Bellamy looked at her for a minute with slight confusion before grabbing her and..._

She didn’t think about what happened after that. She didn’t think about it because she was 4,500 miles away and he could be with whoever he wanted while she was gone… could be when she got back too. It’s partly why she called Raven and asked her to pick her up from the airport, she’s also the only one that won’t judge her.

She reached for her bag on the carousel and a guy in a suit she vaguely remembered from across first class grabbed it for her and the feminist in her knew she should have felt offended, but knowing why he did it, she couldn’t exactly bring herself to do so.

She would have been taken aback from him, his angular face and ice blue eyes, long dark hair and broad shoulders, he would make Bellamy jealous but that wasn't what coming home was about. She wanted to draw him, not like she does Bellamy, which is constantly, but like Octavia and Raven and Miller, when they're doing something so simple, she wanted to draw them. Bellamy... she wanted to draw Bellamy doing everything and it wasn't fair that she couldn't get him right whenever she tried.

“Thank you,” she breathed and lifted the handle to pull behind her.

“Clarke, wait!” he said and she looked back to him with a grimace. “Sorry, that’s creepy. I knew your father, Jake, before… he had that picture of you when you won the art fair at your high school, your freshman year. Seven years ago meaning you were studying abroad, right?”

“Um, name?”

“Roan Iceman, I’m sorry. I get carried away sometimes. Your dad wouldn’t have mentioned me because I’m a hydrologist and I’m aware that my name is ironic.”

“You talk a lot.”

“I also know that you’re friends with Raven Reyes, who’s this really awesome triple threat engineer who I’m supposed to be working with for the next year starting Monday and—“

“Raven’s picking me up. She’s a triple threat and a fourth degree black belt so you might not want her to meet you when I look like this and she finds out.”

“Uh, okay… I’ll give you my card and you can call me when there’s a more opportune time?”

“Or you can wait until Monday,” Clarke offered, not as creeped out by Roan as she probably seemed. He is being creepy, but he just wants to do his job well.

“Friend you met on a plane and she won’t hate me or I’ll be the next Kyle Wick. I do my research.”

Clarke chuckled, “Yeah, I forgot about him. They probably won’t let me go to a bar like this so I’ll text you and lie because I know Raven and she won’t like you on principle.”

Roan laughed, “I’ve seen her Ted Talk and that sounds like her.”

“Do you make it a habit to Facebook stalk your coworkers?”

“When it’s as important as this project, yes. Meeting you was luck.”

Clarke laughed, she wasn’t offended, for some reason she’s more at ease now with men than she was when she wasn’t pregnant. “I should get to her, she worries.”

“Rightfully so, there are some creeps in this world.”

“Yeah. Thank you for getting my suitcase for me, I don’t think I could have done it without you.”

“Always help when I need to,” he handed her his card and smiled. “Congratulations, by the way.”

Clarke smiled, “Thank you. I’m nervous but it’s an adventure. I’ll let you know if there’s anywhere you can run into Raven before Monday.”

“Godsend! Later,” Roan said as they walked through the doors and Raven was leaning against her truck, talking to a cop that was giving her a hard time when the brunette saw Clarke over the officer’s shoulder.

“Look, right there! She’s… she’s pregnant and you’re telling me I can’t leave my vehicle to help her load the car?”

The cop looked over his shoulder at Clarke and grimaced before saying something to Raven and walked away.

“I’ve been here for twenty minutes waiting for you, I just had to say something and how many calls? How many texts and pictures and FaceTiming and not once did you tell me that you’re pregnant! How the hell are you pregnant?” she talked so quickly while throwing Clarke’s suitcase and travel bag in the bed of the truck before hopping in the driver’s seat.

Clarke hoisted herself into the cab and groaned when the baby kicked. “Well, Raven, when a boy and a girl like each other so much, they show each other by—“

“Shut up, I know how it happened!” she pulled away from the curb and hopped on the highway into the city. “When? Where? Who?”

“Six months ago.”

“Jesus, Clarke, you didn’t waste any time when you got there.”

“It was here.”

“You weren’t with anyone here before you left.”

“Bellamy,” she said softly because sometimes it made sense to her and other times that night was a blur of body parts and her thinking it was him. She was drunker than she thought and maybe he didn’t remember either, but she’s pretty sure she wouldn’t have had sex with anyone else at the party with the end result being a baby.

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“He doesn’t know. He can’t possibly know, he’s been too calm to know.”

“I didn’t tell anyone and I’ve kind of been lucky, until the last two weeks where my stomach ballooned like crazy, no one in my class knew because I wasn’t showing. I don’t know what to do, Rae.”

“First, you calm down because everything’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. Does your mom know?”

“I didn’t know how to tell her so I sent her a picture of three positive pregnancy tests and after she called a thousand times, leaving angry, screaming voicemails she finally calmed down and I told her I know who the father is and I know he won’t be a deadbeat dad and no, it wasn’t planned and I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me for not being able to tell him while I was gone.”

“Have you talked to him at all?”

“N—no, why?”

“He’s seeing someone, I don’t know how serious it is but he’s brought her to game night eight times. Would’ve been more but she was called back into work.”

“Oh.”

“Her name’s Echo, we don’t know how they met, he won’t even talk to Octavia about her.”

Clarke blinked back tears. Damn hormones. “She’s supermodel gorgeous, isn’t she?”

“She’s… that’s his type isn’t it?” Raven nodded, her eyes glued to the road.

“And I’m the girl he screws the night before she goes to France and Italy for six months. I’m nothing to him.”

“That’s not true, Clarke,” Raven reached over and grasped Clarke’s hand. “He loves you, he’s an idiot in how he shows it and has insanely bad timing, but he loves you and he’s hurting.”

“No, Rae, every time I think about that night, it doesn’t make sense. Why would I bring him to my room? How did I get that drunk the night before I spend seven hours on a flight to Paris? How did I let all my inhibitions go and tell Bellamy that I wanted him to fuck me?”

“Wait, ‘fuck you’? You told him to fuck you, not that you love him or that sex with him sounds like the bomb diggity because you’ve had a longtime crush on the man?”

“No, we were fighting, like fucking always but it somehow, maybe, felt like foreplay and my brain translated his metaphorical ‘fuck you’ into ‘yeah, you should really fuck me’ and I told him to fuck me so he did and I don’t remember if there was a condom involved and I’m certain I wasn’t on the pill because my prescription ran out two weeks prior and I said screw it, I wasn’t going to have sex in Europe anyway. I’m not a floosy so I legitimately didn’t and found out I was pregnant and that was the last time I had had sex in months.”

“That’s depressing and totally sounds like something you’d do. You need to tell him.”

“Me walking in like an elephant isn’t enough?”

“Clarke…”

“I know, can we stop at McDonald’s for a McFlurry? I’ve been craving one for twelve hours now.”

“You’re lucky you’re pregnant and I love you.”

“You feel bad for me too, right?”

“I think you’re an idiot for not fully locking Bellamy down before you left, so yes.”

* * *

Clarke walked into the apartment, kind of forgetting that there’s an overlap with her and Luna’s arrival/departure dates, and finds her and Octavia on the couch eating mushroom and olive pizza and Clarke dry-heaved at the smell before running to the bathroom and opened the window, sticking her head out for fresh air.

“She okay?” Octavia asked Raven.

“You might want to put the pizza away. That probably did it.”

“What?”

“Just put the pizza away and bring her a ginger ale,” Clarke heard Raven tell Octavia.

“Okay?”

Clarke heard a bunch of shuffling and Luna laughing about something Raven said, but Clarke stopped paying attention, dreading this conversation with Octavia.

“Welcome home,” Octavia finally said in the door jamb.

“Thanks, it’s good and weird being back,” Clarke told her, her head still out the window.

“What’s this all about, Clarke?”

She sighed, taking a deep breath and pulled her head back inside before turning to Octavia who just gaped at her baby bump. “Whenever you want to say something…”

“French or Italian?” Octavia joked and Clarke wanted to laugh but it’s not funny when she’s carrying her nephew.

“Irish Filipino, actually.”

Octavia laughed, moving into the room and sitting on the edge of the tub, “How’d you find an Irish-Fili—oh.”

“He doesn’t know.”

“Clarke—“

“I didn’t know how to tell him and we didn’t talk about it and I feel like a mistake and this—“ she started crying again because the thought of Bellamy’s rejection hurt more than she ever realized. “How could he want this?”

“Why wouldn’t he? Clarke, he’s always wanted to be a dad. Honestly, I thought he’d settle down and be married when it happened, but… why wouldn’t he be okay with this?”

“Because he doesn’t like me like that.”

“Clarke, he had sex with you, he’s not exactly the pity fuck kind of guy.”

“He was for Raven.”

“I heard that!” Raven called from the living room.

“Quit eavesdropping! Raven was a rebound… he was hers, it was mutually beneficial. If it weren’t, then it’d be a pity fuck but since he got you pregnant, I’d say it was beneficial on his end too. I just didn’t think he’d ever forget a condom.”

Clarke looked to the floor, trying to remember but she really was too drunk to remember everything that happened after she told him to fuck her, which was a shame, really. “I don’t remember everything, it’s a blur.”

“But you’re certain it’s his?”

“If it’s not then it’s Jasper or Monty’s and that’s just wrong. All sorts of wrong, they’re both in committed relationships.”

“So no chance it’s anyone else’s?”

“No, and it’s a boy. You’re… you’re going to be an aunt.”

“What?” they both heard from the doorway and Clarke’s head snapped around to the shaggy haired man with freckles in the doorway, his brown eyes locked on her stomach.

“I—I was going to tell you a different way," Clarke confessed, how the hell was he even there?

“It’s mine?”

“Ours, yeah. I…”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What the hell would you have done from four thousand miles away?”

“Fuck you. You’ve been gone six months, pregnant, and you didn’t think I should know? Am I even the father?”

Clarke’s heart stopped, how could he even think that?

“Get out, Bellamy,” Octavia said standing between the two.

“No, this is between Clarke and I.”

“Bellamy, you don’t want to say anything you’ll regret right now.”

“Octavia, this has nothing to do with you.”

“Just go see Echo, this week’s supermodel flavor,” Clarke spat and Bellamy looked like he was just slapped across the face.

“I—“ he scoffed before looking to Octavia again. “And you thought I’d say something I’d regret.” He turned and stormed out of the apartment, the door slamming behind him.

“Clarke…” Octavia started.

“Don’t. I… I’m going to my mom’s. I have a doctors appointment anyway.”

“You can’t shut him out.”

“I can’t have him hostile either,” she countered.

“Okay, at least invite him to the doctor since it’s his.”

Clarke nodded and went back out to the living room where she grabbed her keys from the hook and left, going to her mother’s house and letting Octavia explain what happened to Luna and Raven.


	2. Monster Mash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke/Marcus heart to heart.  
> Clarke reaches out to Bellamy (ish).  
> Abby isn't overbearing.  
> Bellamy tries.  
> FLASHBACK: 2 years to Halloween (that's today!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I have never been pregnant (though there was a scare two weeks ago...awkward) so I don't exactly know what goes on during the appointment aside from the ultrasound (everyone I know that has had children, it's been years and they don't remember so they're no help) and the fathers or another person of significant importance to the mother is there with her for moral support so... yeah, somewhat of a spoiler.
> 
> EDITED Nov 1, 2017

Her heart was breaking. She knew it wasn’t going to be easy coming back six months pregnant, she knew they were going to fight, but this didn’t feel like a typical fight they were having. This was real this cut deeper and she didn’t know that Bellamy and her could be so cruel to each other. That’s exactly what they were doing, tearing each other out by the roots, uprooting everything they’ve built as friends—best friends—and going back to their primal hatred for each other.

“Clarke?” Kane said answering the door to her mother’s house. “What are you… come in!”

“Where’s my mom?” she asked, wiping the tears away. That was the only good part of this pregnancy, she got her real mom back. The mom she had when Jake was alive and could buffer their fights, make their harsh words less potent. Clarke missed her loving mother.

“Upstairs, getting dressed. Do you want anything? Some tea or cookies? I don’t know what you like, I’m sorry.”

“She has Lorna Doones, right? They… they sound really good.”

Kane smiled, “Come in to the kitchen, we’ll find them.”

After a few minutes of an awkward silence while eating the box of cookies, Kane asked, “So, who—?”

“Bellamy.”

“Oh… really?”

“More people have asked me about the baby than Italy and France. It’s weird.”

“It’s bigger news unfortunately. So what are you and Bellamy going to do?”

“I don’t know, he found out by me telling Octavia she’s going to be an aunt. I live with her, I saw her first, I couldn’t lie to her and he shouldn’t have been there.”

“But he was. What happened?”

“He… he yelled and asked if he was even the father. And I told him to go run back to Echo, his supermodel flavor of the week.”

Kane grimaced, “Clarke…”

“I know, I know I shouldn’t have said it, but it hurt, having him ask if he was the father. Why would I tell his sister that she’s going to be an aunt if it wasn’t his kid?”

“You two have been tiptoeing around each other for years. You were eight when you met him and he snidely called you princess every chance he had. You dated Finn and Bellamy wasn’t supportive about it but he was also just Octavia’s brother then, you guys weren’t friends, but when you found out about Raven, you two both broke up with Finn and Raven went to Bellamy and that hurt you, whether you admitted it or not.

“He slept around and you went with Lexa. He was with Gina and you were with Niylah, serious or not, everyone thought you two were together. And you were both single this last year and you two were growing closer, everyone saw it and even when they wanted to interfere, it was up to you guys to decide what you wanted. You went to Italy and France and it ruined everything between you two. You didn’t text or call him, he didn’t text or call you. He’s been with Echo for three months and won’t talk to anyone about her so no one knows the seriousness of that. Octavia thought it was about you, none of us knew what happened that night. You didn’t even tell your mom that it’s Bellamy’s.”

“How could I? I—I think I love him, I think I always have, how am I supposed to tell people that the man I love got me pregnant but he doesn’t love me and the only reason he screwed me was because he hated me?”

“I doubt he hates you. He definitely doesn’t like that you’ve kept things from him, but he doesn’t hate you.”

“I—I should invite him to the doctor’s, right?”

Kane nodded softly, taking a sip of his coffee. “If I were him, I’d want the chance to be there.”

Clarke nodded, “Yeah. You know Mom’s in the hall letting us talk because we never have before?”

“I’m aware. Thank you for confiding in me, Clarke.”

* * *

 _"Why_ him _?” Clarke asked slamming the door behind her as she collapsed onto the bed. Groaning when she realized Bellamy was already laying there and she collapsed onto him and didn’t care enough to move, definitely not thinking about how comfortable he is to lay on._

 _“’Good morning, Bellamy, how was your midterm?’ ‘Oh, Princess, it was effervescent! Thank you so much for caring! How was brunch with your mother?’ ‘Why_ him _?’” he said back, giving her parts a high pitched hilt that sounded weird on top of his abnormally deeper hungover voice, also feeling every note vibrate in his chest._

 _“Yeah, you’re a fucking_ genius _, Comrade. Marcus fucking Kane asked my mother to marry him and she said yes. YES, Bellamy! What the fuck?”_

_“I’m pretty sure it’s breaking a bunch of rules having a high schooler in my dorm room when they’re not related to me.”_

_“That’s incestuous. You need to help me stop this!”_

_“Me? Fucking, go ask Lexa, I have midterms.”_

_“They want to get married in June, Bellamy. I need your help over the next three months, not just this week.”_

_“You do realize you’re asking me to break up a surgeon and a senator?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“No, aside from the fact that the only reason I’m able to go to school is the senator’s scholarship, if I need surgery or anything done at the hospital, it’s best to not piss off the head of surgery at the best hospital in the area.”_

_“She legally can’t be spiteful like that and I honestly doubt Kane knows that you’re the one that got his scholarship.”_

_Bellamy pulled out his phone and after a minute of swiping the screen, he showed it to Clarke, a picture of him and Senator Kane shaking hands. “He knows.”_

_“Does he know that we know each other?” Clarke grimaced, not liking how cordial they both looked in the picture._

_“Doubtful considering I don’t want to know you half the time.”_

_“Shut up, you love me. You really won’t help me?”_

_“Didn’t you say that you found them together one night before your dad died?”_

_“All the more reason to break them up!”_

_“Yeah, no. We’re not doing that.”_

_Clarke scoffed, rolling off him and stood above him and his unkempt hair with her hands on her hips. “You know I’m just going to ask Octavia to help me and that’ll be worse than you helping me.”_

_“She will kidnap him and forget where she left him tied up, do not ask her for help unless you’re okay with going to prison for accessory to murder.”_

_Clarke shrugged and headed towards the door and Bellamy shot up, pulling her back to bed with him. “Netflix and popcorn?”_

_“You have midterms to study for, remember?” she teased and he bit her shoulder._

_“One afternoon won’t kill me, besides you already think I’m a genius so I’m golden.”_

_“So cocky! You get the popcorn and I’ll queue something for us.”_

_Bellamy got up and popped a bag in his microwave and looked back at his laptop Clarke was maneuvering through like a pro and he was worried he’d left something up he shouldn’t have and she found Netflix and the first thing in his queue is_ The Motorcycle Diaries _._

_“Really?”_

_“It looks interesting!”_

_“You’re the biggest nerd I’ve ever seen, who like documentaries?”_

_“You can roast me later, and it’s a biopic. Just find a damn movie.”_

_“_ Mr. Mom _.”_

_“Michael Keaton?” Bellamy face scrunched._

_“I can think of Kane as a housewife, it will certainly cheer me up.”_

_“This is going to change my views of badass Michael Keaton, isn’t it?”_

_“Most definitely,” Clarke smiled, getting more comfortable on Bellamy’s bed. “Can I have a beer since I’m having a wretched day?”_

_“You’re not driving home then.”_

_“It’s one beer!”_

_Bellamy rolled his eyes and Clarke grimaced at him. “And you’re seventeen!”_

_“Eighteen in a month.”_

_“Still not legally allowed to drink, I’m driving you home regardless.”_

_Clarke groaned, “You’re the epitome of the mom friend.”_

_“Don’t let Miller hear you say that.”_

_“I’m so going to tell him that.”_

_An hour later, they were done with the popcorn and curled together on the bed when the door flew open. “Babe, when I was here yesterday did you… what’s this?” the willowy brunette asked and Clarke’s heart plummeted._

_Bellamy sat up and Clarke was just about to when he put his hand on her shoulder to reassure her. “This is Clarke, she’s a friend who’s having a bad day so we’re watching a shitty Michael Keaton movie in hopes of cheering her up. What are you looking for?”_

_“My phone charger.”_

_“You didn’t bring it here and if you did it certainly wasn’t being used. Miller and I have every outlet in use. Did you try the library… actually if it wasn’t here or at Luna’s you should just buy a new one.”_

_“Where’s Princess’s phone?”_

_“In my bag and don’t call me that,” Clarke spat._

_“Does Shumway know you have a minor in your room?”_

_“Jesus, Roma, we’re fully clothed and I’m with you, do you want it to stay that way?”_

_“Bell, I’m gonna walk home so—“_ _Bellamy grabbed Clarke’s shoulder, preventing her from getting up._

_“No, you don’t have to leave, Roma’s supposed to be at her calculus study group.”_

_“So you’re kicking me out?”_

_“Yes, and just be honest with me, you’re just making sure I’m not with Steph or Trina or Bree.”_

_“No, you’re just with your sister’s best friend.”_

_“To be fair, I’m both of their friends, I don’t belong to one more than the other,” Clarke corrected and Bellamy smirked. It’s one of Clarke’s most honest statements and he couldn’t deny it either, even if it meant he thought of her like a sister._

_Roma rolled her eyes, “Whatever. I’ll see you in English tomorrow.”_

_“Later!” Bellamy called after her and the door closed. “Yeah, I need to break up with her.”_

_“Oh, you mean walking into your dorm unannounced isn’t a normal thing?”_

_“No, you brat,” he tugged a strand of her hair and laid back down with her._

_No matter what Clarke tried, she couldn’t get comfortable again after that._

* * *

CLARKE (12:17 PM): I know it’s last minute and we’re not in a good place to talk, but if you want to see your son’s ultrasound, the appointment is at 4 today.

She spent the afternoon showing her mother and Kane all the pictures she took, being the stereotypical obnoxious tourist taking pictures of _everything_. They loved it though and wondered where all her pieces were and Clarke told them they’re being shipped back and should be here in the next few weeks.

Abby didn’t bring up the baby or what Clarke had planned for school, which was good. She had a plan if Bellamy bailed, but she knew he wouldn’t, he’s not one to abandon people in need, especially his blood.

He didn’t text her back and Clarke didn’t worry about it. If she worried about it, the baby would kick and remind her that nothing good comes from worrying and everything happens for a reason.

“Isn’t that Bellamy’s truck?” Abby asked pointing at the fifteen year old silver Silverado that he picked her and Octavia up in when they were too drunk to drive home from Atom’s graduation party.

“Yeah,” Clarke sighed.

“Is that a good or bad thing?”

“Probably both.”

Abby nodded, pulling up to the door. “Call if you need a ride, text if you two are going to talk.”

Clarke nodded, “Thanks, Mom.” She got out of the car and headed inside, too used to hospitals.

Bellamy was sitting in a middle row alone bouncing his leg and biting his thumb nail. Clarke scoffed at his anxiousness as she gave the receptionist her name and insurance card.

A minute later, clipboard in hand, Clarke sat diagonal from him.

“I’m sorry,” his rough voice cut through the annoying hospital music. “Six months of silence and then finding out this. It was a lot and I’m sorry for being an ass.”

“We’re not doing this now.”

“Clarke…”

“I’ve already had a stressful twenty-four hours, stress is bad for fetuses so we are not doing this now, Bellamy. Not right before I go in for what’s essentially my first pregnancy check-up, okay?”

“Sure.”

Five minutes later they were called back and placed into an exam room and Clarke sat on the table and Bellamy leaned against the wall behind her. She didn’t know what to say to him, what to do to not make this awkward or weird, she knew she should have told him, but he’s finishing his masters and she’s in her last year of college now, what were they supposed to do? They have no way of supporting this child.

“Stop it, Bellamy.”

“What? It’s not like I’m picking my cuticles loudly,” he said criticizing her.

“No, you’re just breathing like an obese goat,” she groaned, it’s driving her insane.

“Am I not allowed to be nervous?”

“Of course you are, I just wish you weren’t so obvious about it.”

He was about to say something to her when Lorelei walked in.

“Clarke! It’s so lovely to see you. This must be your boyfriend, Bellamy. It’s so good to meet you,” Dr. Tsing said holding her hand out to Bellamy for him to shake and he did without a word correcting her that he’s someone else’s boyfriend, then again she wouldn’t let them get a word in. “Your doctor in Paris contacted me and sent over some of the information, not nearly as much as I’d hoped so we’re going to do a lot more than usual for a six month check-up. How are you feeling? Do you like being back home?”

“It still doesn’t feel real,” Clarke smiled. “I have to drive everywhere here, I could walk to the coffee shop or… I got decaf, for tea too,” she smiled, knowing Bellamy’s views on caffeine in general let alone during pregnancy.

“That’s good. So we’ll do the ultrasound first since Bellamy is already here, but I’d like to check everything else out and he might not want to be here for that.”

Clarke smirked, “No, he probably won’t. Do you want to see my vagina being poked and prodded?”

“Uh, you probably don’t want me to see that so I’m saying no for you, not for me but I’d still say no if given a real choice.”

Clarke looked up at him and grimaced, she was at the point where she didn’t want him involved at all because he has a bad attitude and she doesn’t want to deal with that for the next eighteen years.

“Real choice: be a dick and leave or be nice and stay.”

Lorelei looked between them and it wasn’t a judgmental look, but an endearing one and Clarke didn’t like that at all. “Ready?”

Clarke nodded, lifting her shirt up and immediately felt Bellamy’s eyes on her stomach and heard a slight gasp.

“You two aren’t dating, are you?”

“No,” Clarke said quickly as Bellamy’s hand landed on her shoulder and she didn’t move because she didn’t know what anything meant with him anymore. They aren’t Clarke and Bellamy, best friends anymore, she didn’t know what to call them because friends don’t do anything they’ve done in the last six months—year—to each other and it’s really been all her fault for not telling him that she was going to Italy and France.

“Your mom said—sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“It’s complicated,” Bellamy said.

Lorelai nodded and measured Clarke’s stomach before squeezing the jelly on her belly, not as warm as Clarke would have preferred but better than France.

Clarke’s seen the ultrasound once before, the town she was in didn’t have much of anything medicine wise, which was a bad choice of the university’s, kids always get sick or do stupid things that land them in the hospital so when Clarke went in for a check-up half the time it was broken or in the neighboring town ten miles away.

She heard the heartbeat first, louder and faster than her faint steady one that also came through but barely and then the image of their son was on the screen and all the wind was knocked out of Bellamy.

Lorelei moved the wand around Clarke’s stomach, snapping a few pictures before pointing at the screen. “Okay, guys, that is a penis. You’re having a boy.”

“That’s awesome!” Bellamy said softly and Clarke looked over her shoulder at him and he was genuinely in awe of it all.

Clarke looked back to Lorelei and smiled, she really didn’t know what to say or do about any of it.

“Okay, Bellamy, you can head out to the waiting room. I’ll have Clarke finished up in ten minutes.”

“I’ll be outside,” he said to Clarke, squeezing her shoulder.

“You don’t have to.”

“We need to talk, Clarke. We don’t have much time.”

Clarke nodded.

* * *

Clarke sat in the passenger’s seat of his truck, she didn’t know what to say or where he was taking her and she really didn’t care unless it meant getting rid of their baby. The thought that’s haunted her since she found out popped in her head again, “if I can’t have him, I can at least have a part of him.”

She picked at her cuticles, pointedly ignoring Bellamy’s glances over at her.

“Clarke.”

“You don’t have to be involved,” she said, still looking out the window.

“Is—is that what you want?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, I do. I _want_ to be involved, I’m not going to leave my children like a coward, Clarke. I thought you knew me better than that.”

“That’s kind of how we got into this mess, me assuming I know you.”

“That’s different, I would have been jealous, I was. I am, but that doesn’t have anything to do with my children.”

“You have more somewhere I don’t know about?” she tried joking.

“No,” he sighed. “Just our unborn son.”

“I know you’re nothing like O’s dad, I would never think that of you.”

“I—I’m in this, I have to tell Echo and we should move.”

Clarke looked over at him for the first time since getting in the truck. “What?”

“Luna was looking for an apartment, knowing you were coming back so she was looking practically the entire time you were gone and had only gotten serious the last two months and she found this really great one on the other side of campus it’s a two bedroom and—“

“What do you mean ‘we’? And a two bedroom isn’t enough for us and the baby.”

“It could be. I’m in this, Clarke.”

“What about Echo?”

Bellamy sighed, pulling the truck over into a parking lot. “She’s just a friend, but she wants more.”

“She slept over.”

“They shouldn’t have told you about her. She was on the couch or I was. It was never like that between us.”

“I want to believe you,” Clarke shrugged. “I just don’t know if I can.”

“Why not?” he grimaced, shutting the engine off and turning to her completely, the worn leather bench seat scrunching under his movements.

“You—you weren’t there in the morning,” Clarke said looking away from him, blinking back her tears. How couldn’t he know how much that hurt her?

“You never called.”

Clarke sighed, she didn’t want to do this in his fucking truck. She’s thrown up on him in this truck, he’s driven her home while she cried on his shoulders over other people—hell, over him—she couldn’t talk about this with him in his truck. Bellamy’s always going against her though, doing exactly what she didn’t want.

“You said you hated me, Clarke. I laid there next to you for God only knows how long feeling like the biggest douchebag in the world. You’re my best friend and I hate fucked you and you told me you hated me afterwards. The thoughts running through my head were horrible, there was a point where I wanted to die because I felt like I raped you. You were into it though and you were drunk too so it was confusing. I didn’t know what to think.”

“You were drunk too.”

“I wasn’t that drunk to have kept going when you said no.”

“I never said no,” she said softly, barely a whisper wiping a treacherous tear away and Bellamy sighed.

“Come with me.”

Clarke looked out the windows, not recognizing where they were. “Uh…”

“Do you trust me?”

There were too many answers to that question and too many feelings involved and Clarke knew he was trying, she sees it in nearly everything he’s done since she’s texted him so the answer was clear. “More than I did yesterday.”

“Good. Come on, I think you’ll like it.”

Clarke got out of the car and followed Bellamy into the brick building they parked next to.

“Mr. Blake?” A woman asked and Bellamy nodded looking back to Clarke for a moment.

“Yes, hi. This is Clarke Griffin.”

“Your girlfriend, right. It’s nice to meet you, Clarke.”

“Well, that’s the second time people have mistaken us for a couple today,” Clarke grimaced.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I just…”

“It’s the baby.”

“Wait, seriously?” Bellamy grimaced.

“You have no idea what women go through on a daily basis. You wouldn’t sleep around as much if you did.” She didn’t mean it how it sounded, but if the shoe fit, who was she to mask the truth?

“Clarke…”

“Whatever, Bellamy. What exactly are we doing here?”

“Looking at an apartment. I was going to tell you but—“

“Why am I looking for an apartment for you?”

“Well, for us, actually.”

“He didn’t tell you?” the woman asked and why the hell didn’t Clarke know her name?

“We haven’t spoken in months, he didn’t know about _this_ and I didn’t know about him moving.”

“It was originally going to be for his friend Luna but if you’re moving here she can stay where she is. If I’m correct about the situation.”

Clarke growled. Luna. Luna has apparently replaced Clarke as Raven’s favorite and Bellamy has gone apartment hunting with her? Does she have everyone under a fucking spell?

“Clarke, please—“

“What? You want me to be happy about this, Bellamy? You have a life planned out already and I don’t even get a say in it?”

“Of course you do, I just thought…”

“My flight landed this morning! I was harassed by a hydrologist. You found out you’re going to be a father by overhearing your sister finding out she’s going to be an aunt then you essentially called me a slut when you knew I hadn’t slept with anyone months before you hate-fucked me. So yes, I really want to go looking for an apartment for our fucked up family right now!”

“You’ve been my family since the day you walked in my house when you were eight, okay? I can’t picture my life without you and co-parenting this baby in one apartment would be a lot easier than living blocks from each other since we’re both going to be at the same apartment anyway.”

“Just because it’s logical doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. I literally want to murder you and have for the last six months so being around you every minute of the day will only tempt me even more.”

“So that’s a no?” the woman asked.

“No,” Bellamy told her before looking back to Clarke. “Come look at it, please. I know you’ll like it.”

Clarke glared at him and then the woman. “Fine, but I’m not promising you anything.”

They all step into the elevator a moment later and it wasn’t awkward, but Clarke hated the situation in its entirety, especially when Bellamy asked, “Could we paint?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Bellamy—“ Clarke warned, she already has a studio at the school, she doesn’t need one in an apartment too.

“Clarke’s an artist and it would be cool if we could paint the walls, make it a little homier.”

“As long as it’s back to white when you leave, its fine.

“What about a three bedroom, are there any of those available?” Clarke asked.

“There’s one but its four hundred more than the two bedroom.”

“Could we possibly look at that too?”

This time Bellamy didn’t object.

“Sure. We’ll go there after this one.”

Clarke nodded and leaned back against the wall when the baby kicked her bladder.

“You okay?”

“He’s feisty today. Kicked me.”

“Really?” his eyes lit up excitedly.

“Not… not there, my bladder.”

“It hurts?”

“He’s lucky I don’t have a full bladder or I’d kick his ass.”

Bellamy laughed, his laugh, which was more of a nasally scoff than a laugh but Clarke loved it regardless, even when she was mad at him.

The elevator stopped on level four and Clarke grimaced, if the elevator broke down, she’d have to carry the baby up four flights of stairs to the apartment on top of everything else she’s carrying, it’s not a great location.

“What if the elevator breaks down?” Bellamy asked as they stepped out and followed the woman down the hall.

“There’s a repair man on call and it will be up and running within six hours unless it’s a major fix then management will let you know.”

Clarke sighed, “They’re good with communication?”

“They’ve never had a complaint.”

Bellamy nodded as they came to a stop in front of apartment 409.

She unlocked the door and pushed it open softly, Clarke gave Bellamy credit, this was a great apartment building, slightly out of their price range, but still new and something she wished she had with the girls when they moved out of the dorms sophomore year.

The living/dining area was spacious, pure white which Clarke hated but the lighting was modern and Clarke loved modern interior design versus what she was accustomed to growing up in the old money Griffin mansion that’s been in her family for decades. Where her mother and Marcus still reside.

There was a hall closet where you first walk in and Clarke liked that, she doesn’t do well with tidiness so if she could shove it all away in a hall closet when she walks in the door, she’ll take it, but she wants a three bedroom because she’s not sharing a room with Bellamy or the baby.

The kitchen was at the end of the hall on the left and Bellamy smiled at the sight of stainless steel, dark granite, and white cabinets with a black and white backsplash that Clarke begrudgingly loved too even though it reminded her of a diner (she loves diners).

There was a balcony off the living room that Bellamy would love to grade and read books on and the apartment’s open floor plan was good for raising a toddler while she/he cooked dinner.

The first bedroom was nice, a big closet with sliding doors and large windows that overlooked the college, Clarke didn’t really want to look out her window to see the college but beggars can’t be choosers.

(She’s not begging, she’d gladly stay with O and Raven)

The second bedroom was slightly bigger with a larger closet. It had another balcony and it faced the river, Clarke would love to paint the view off the balcony.

There was only one bathroom in the apartment though and Clarke wasn’t too worried about sharing the bathroom with Bellamy, they did it for a few months when there was a mishap with the apartment he and Miller were moving into with the last tenants or something so Bellamy stayed with her and Octavia (it was before Raven came back from visiting her mom). So she wasn’t worried about that except now there’s a baby and it’s not going to be easy. She can’t be bathing the baby and Bellamy has to go to the bathroom so she has to stop bathing the baby before he goes in and does what he needs to do. It’d just be easier with two bathrooms.

“How many bathrooms does the three bedroom have?”

“One and a half,” the lady said.

“That’s sounding better and better.”

“Clarke…”

“I’ll pay the extra four hundred, Bellamy, I don’t care. We each need our own rooms.”

“O—okay.”

The three bedroom was just as nice as the two bedroom, just with the extra hundred square feet of a third bedroom and fifty for the half bath. Clarke decided on the three bedroom and Melissa—the realtor—put in their application for the apartment for them.

“So how are you expecting to pay the extra four hundred, Clarke?” Bellamy asked when they were driving back to her parent’s house. Why did Abby have to insist on driving her to the doctor?

“I’ll get another job or ask Indra for more hours.”

“And the two months paternity leave?”

“I’ll be in school,” she grimaced.

“You should take the semester off.”

“No. I’m not staying in school longer than I have to.”

“You know it’s okay to take an extra semester or two, employers understand stuff like that.”

“They understand getting knocked up by your supposed best friend through hate sex halfway through your junior year?”

“Stop holding that against me, Clarke. It happened and we’re here, we need to now figure out how to move forward.”

“You want me to stay home for a semester when I’m two semesters away from my degree. You’re two away from your masters, should I ask you to stay home and watch the baby also, is that fair? No, I’m the woman, I’m the mother, I get the post-partum depression, you’re the _man_! You’re supposed to bring home the bacon! Well, Bellamy, I can bring home the bacon too so don’t be a misogynistic bastard and let me make my own damn choice!”

“It isn’t just your choice now! Someone needs to stay home with the baby.”

“Then you do it!”

“I can’t! You really think I wouldn’t if I could? I’m on scholarship, Clarke. I have a year and I can’t walk away, not now.”

“I can’t just stay home and do nothing. I’m not a housewife.”

“You won’t be, we’ll figure it out, go to the bursar office together. Make our schedules work and go for a heavier workload in the spring, have him in the daycare.”

“You want our son ridden with diseases from _daycare?”_

“What do you suggest then?”

“My mom, Octavia, Raven. Hell, even Miller would be better than _daycare_.”

“Jasper runs the daycare.”

“You literally _just_ made my point for me.”

“Clarke, we have to have some leeway. Our times won’t be perfect and will have some overlap where we need daycare to cover what we can’t. Please just think about it.”

The car pulled up to the house and Clarke looked at the large pillars and brickwork. She didn’t know what her family saw in the house all those decades ago but it’s still standing and has been in the hands of a Griffin for generations.

She hopped out of the truck and was about to slam the door when he called her name.

“For what it’s worth, I missed you.”

She opened her mouth to say something, what? She didn’t know, but she knew he saw all the hurt and heartache in her face that were his doing. She closed her mouth sternly instead and nodded before closing the door and heading to the house, wishing she could just get in her car and drive back to her apartment.

* * *

_Bellamy walked in the door and immediately began laughing, Clarke grimaced knowingly. “Shut up, Bellamy.”_

_“Come on, seriously?”_

_“I let Octavia pick this year, how was I supposed to know?”_

_“You really should have,” he smirked adjusting the tiara on top of her head. His eyes were soft and Clarke blinked, biting back hope that he could want her too. It was occurring more and more frequently and she knew it’s happened since she’s known him but it seems different now somehow, like hoping the near college graduate could see her as the adult she legally was, not just his little sister’s best friend. “You look perfect, Princess, fittingly regal.”_

_Clarke gave him a once over for the first time since he walked in the door. She’s been focusing on his expressions more, his expressive eyes that she could read like a map after ten years. He was a roman soldier, classic Bellamy move, going as someone he’s studying. “And who exactly are you supposed to be?”_

_“Crixus.”_

_“The undefeated Gaul.” Whatever he says, he can’t say she doesn’t listen to his rants._

_“Yeah, people are just going to assume I’m a Roman soldier though,” he shrugged._

_“But you’re more than that, you were a gladiator and military leader of the Slave rebels,” she said softly, but it didn’t just make sense that he was portraying Crixus because of his importance in Roman history but for his name too. Crixus was a name with a meaning Bellamy could uphold because in Gaulish, Crixus meant “one with curly hair” and with Bellamy’s mop of near black curls, he was perfect for the role._

_He licked his lips and stepped back and Clarke hadn’t realized how close they’d had gotten to one another, taking a step back herself. “Yeah… yes, that’s Crixus. You know your history.”_

_She could feel her cheeks heat up to a soft rosy pink that Bellamy definitely noticed, “Vaguely.”_

_Bellamy breathed a shuttering breath before looking around the small dorm room. “Where is my sister?”_

_“She claims that because she has the looks of a thirteen year old she can get away with trick or treating at her age. I told her she can’t and now she’s proving her point to me. She texted just before you walked in saying she’ll be here in five with a pillow case full of candy. She also left her purse here so she didn’t buy it, but I wouldn’t put it past her from purchasing it beforehand and stashing it on campus somewhere where she could prove me wrong for the first time ever.”_

_“I’ll check her bank statements tomorrow for you.”_

_“Oh, no, we placed a bet on it and I kind of like what I have to do if she proves me wrong and it’s one of those things where it’s only appropriate to do on Halloween so,” she shrugged, realizing she’s talking a lot, which is her nervous tick. She really shouldn’t be nervous around Bellamy, he’s a cinnamon roll even (especially) when he’s being an asshole._

_“So you’re going to the party as a princess? You’re not really dressing up if you’re just wearing what you normally would at home.”_

_Clarke scoffed, trying to hold back a smile, “Shut up!”_

_“Oh, come on, Princess, smile for the paparazzi.”_

_“You’re so lucky Octavia would kill me if I even tried to maim you.”_

_“Princess getting her hands dirty?” his brows furrowed before he stepped around her to the mini fridge Clarke always had stocked with Starbucks double shots and Gadorade. “I don’t think so, besides,” he whispered in her ear, pressing up against her without really touching her... she couldn’t explain what he was doing really. “You like me too much,” his bottom lip grazed the shell of her ear and she refrained from shivering as the hairs on her neck stood at attention and goosebumps broke out across her skin._

_She scoffed again, turning her head ever so slightly to where his lips just were, just to get a peek of him. “You wish.”_

_Bellamy laughed, stepping away from her and grabbed a can of espresso from the mini fridge._

_Clarke blinked repeatedly, looking away from Bellamy, trying to get the wrecked look out of her eyes she was so certain was there when the door swung open and Octavia walked in empty handed and dressed in a slinky cat outfit that was a cross between Cat Woman and Cheshire Cat. There was pleather and fur and Clarke really didn’t want to know what O was thinking when she bought the costume. “I should have fucking cheated!”_

_Clarke laughed, “No candy?”_

_“I had it but then a bunch of kids gave me these puppy dog eyes and BAM! No candy for O.”_

_“Meaning that since there is no proof, you have to kiss Lincoln tonight!”_

_“Wait!” Bellamy called. “What? No… no kissing anybody. No kissing Lincoln who’s in my sociology class and my age. No.”_

_Clarke and Octavia laughed before dragging Bellamy out of their dorm room to the fraternity that was throwing the party, the specifics didn’t matter._

_“Want to dance?” Clarke heard in her ear later that night, sufficiently drunk enough to not care that she was supposed to hide her feelings for the broody, nerdy man behind her, she was just sick of explaining that she was a princess, not a bride, simultaneously cursing Octavia for ordering a white tulle dress._

_She didn’t answer, just leaned back against him and he huffed out a laugh, pushing all her perfect barrel curls over one shoulder before sliding his hand down her spine to her waist, holding her to him softly, barely enough to hold her if she decided to pull away and say no._

_“How drunk are you?”_

_Clarke hummed, taking Bellamy’s hand that was on her waist and moved it to the swell of her stomach before swaying to the beat of the music._

_Bellamy didn’t move for a minute and Clarke smirked, “Oh, come on, Bell. This was your idea.”_

_She thought she heard him say, “I didn’t think it through,” as his other hand trailed up her dress’s big skirt to her waist and held her to him as he began to move with her._

_She was drunk, she reminded herself, she has the excuse to do what she wants because she can wake up in the morning and say she was drunk as a justification for her actions. Or at least that’s what she told herself when she ground her ass back against his groin, losing her inhibitions with the alcohol flowing through her blood._

_“Clarke,” he growled behind her ear, dropping his head to her shoulder. She’s ruining him just as much as he’s ruining her and maybe she’s seeing into that, maybe he’s drunk and wouldn’t indulge in her otherwise. It’s the dress and the alcohol and the teasing earlier in her dorm. “You’re gorgeous,” she thinks he may have uttered before pressing a kiss to the column of her throat. “Fuck, Octavia. Three o’clock.”_

_A moment later Clarke was being pulled out of Bellamy’s grasp by a laughing Octavia, dragging her back outside to where she found Lincoln._

_“Why were you dancing with Bellamy and since when did he dance?”_

_“I owed him one,” Clarke blinked, inhaling the cold air that sobered her some. “This girl from his psych class last semester was annoying him.”_

_Octavia scoffed, “Right. Anyway, I’m fulfilling my end of the bet.”_

_A minute later Octavia was full on making out with Lincoln and Clarke stumbled back into the kitchen for more beer._

_The rest of the night was a blur._

_(But she did remember waking up in Bellamy’s apartment with no Bellamy or Murphy around.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Halloween and I had to have some Halloween drunken flirting in there... Bellarke, SMDH.
> 
> As always, please comment and kudos if you like/love and if you have a prompt you'd like me to fulfill, hit me up on tumblr at thebellarkeofitall or drop a comment below or on any of my other fics.


	3. With a Little Mending It Could Be As Good As New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke shares her side FINALLY!  
> Awkward shopping outing with Abby and Bellamy  
> FLASHBACK: Aurora's Funeral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from The Bargain Store by Dolly Parton and has very little to do with the actual chapter, it makes thematic sense though.

“You won’t talk to him?” Raven said, waking Clarke up in the morning.

“Where’s O?” Clarke’s voice was gravelly, she cried herself to sleep that night over him, always over him and that night before she left.

“Work. She wanted to do this but she wasn’t waiting for you to wake up.”

Clarke nodded, “It’s not that I won’t talk to him, it’s that every time he brings it up I keep remembering how it happened and how I wanted it. God, I wanted him so badly for years, but I saw his face and he didn’t even see me. I could have been anyone. I’m lucky, I know I am, that he wants to be involved but how am I supposed to forget that look in his eyes?”

“You probably won’t, but Clarke, he’s in this. He’s torn up about you not wanting him involved, about how he found out. He—he was blowing up my phone asking about your arrival for a whole week. When you left he detached himself from everyone and we just figured it was because you’re his favorite outside Octavia and you left him without any warning.

“We now know it’s because of sex and that in itself didn’t make sense either because you’re Clarke and Bellamy, we’ve placed bets on the day you guys would realize you’re in love with each other.” Raven sighed, “He was furious that night, it’s true, he probably could have killed someone if what he did to the apartment that night meant anything—you really don’t want to see the pictures.

“Clarke, he’s not perfect, not by any stretch, but he is driven by his heart. He was angry and he acted out, he lashed out at you and abused you and his apartment and punched Miller in the face, he had a black eye for four weeks. Then there’s you, O, and all of our friends whom he will drop anything for just because we asked. He moved Monty out of Gravesend to Lincoln Point on the hottest day of the year last year by himself because it was Monty’s last day to move out and he couldn’t get out of work. This is your baby—his baby—if you think that he isn’t going to do everything in his power to make every moment of your life like walking on air, you have another thing coming.

“Everything I’m about to tell you are things I have witnessed him do, okay? Bellamy has been in the middle of picking up a girl at a bar—many girls on many occasions, actually—where you would call him for whatever and he’d leave them without a reason. He’s had a girl half-naked in his bed and walked away with an erection because you simply wanted to watch a movie. He’s cancelled plans with everyone but Octavia for you and will continue to do so for you and this baby.”

Clarke’s mind raced with all the information Raven threw at her, knowing Octavia wouldn’t have told her any of it and to just be real with him for once. That’s the difference with Raven and O, O’s horribly bullheaded whereas Raven’s logically bullheaded. “You’re saying that I should forget the look in his eyes when he was fucking me?”

“You need to stop saying it like that and to an extent, yes. Don’t forget it because I know you can’t, but don’t hold it against him because if he did it without the pure anger of just finding out his best friend was going to the one place he’s been dying to go to since he was seven for six months the day before she left, if he knew for months that you were leaving, that look in his eyes wouldn’t have been there.”

Clarke scoffed, “It was Italy, Raven. It’s as amazing as everyone’s ever said. The food is better, the espresso. Every time I have Italian food from now on is going to be a letdown.”

Raven smiled, “Do you see what I’m saying, Clarke? Do you see that Bellamy would have been happy for you? That he would have been insanely jealous but he would have been happy for you because it’s an amazing opportunity for you? You’ve been in his life since he was fourteen, you’re one of the biggest parts of his life, he will do anything for you. When he found out that I was Finn’s girlfriend and that whole situation, he went running to you to see if you were okay, if you wanted him to beat Finn up.”

Clarke laughed, remembering Bellamy storming into the dorm room, waking her up and asking all these questions about Finn’s dorm before he even told her why. He was the best, even when he fought her just to argue, maybe especially then.

“So what do you want?”

Clarke had thought about it, being asked this question on the flight back home. What does she want? “I want to finish school.”

“Okay, and how do you suppose you do that with giving birth…”

“September 24th.”

“Five weeks into the semester?”

“Yeah, five weeks into the semester.”

“So, what’s the plan?”

“Bellamy and I are going to the registration office to discuss my options. I hope they don’t involve missing the semester.”

“They’ll probably have you do a light course load where you can miss actual class time but require bomb ass papers then you can do more in the spring with the use of daycare.”

Clarke nodded, she knew she was being stubborn and fighting with Bellamy just for the fact that it was Bellamy. It wasn’t fair to him but it was also the flashes of his face when they made this baby, and the lack of acknowledgement of who she was exactly in that moment and not caring that they were best friends. “That’s what I’m hoping for.”

“We didn’t get to talk when you got home last night, how’d everything go?”

“Bellamy told you about the apartment?” Clarke grimaced.

“No, I was talking about the doctor.”

“Oh, it was fine. Healthy baby boy, healthy Clarke. Bellamy forced me into getting an apartment with him, even though it logically makes sense.”

“He definitely didn’t force you into it, no one forces you into doing anything you don’t want to do.”

“I did say it was logical, didn’t I?”

Raven laughed, “You’re ridiculous.”

“You’re not going to ditch me, are you? This kid is going crazy in here over his Aunt Raven.”

“Aunt Raven isn’t going anywhere.”

Clarke smiled, “Hey, so that guy I walked out of the airport with yesterday, did you see him?”

“Tall dark and broody, but hotter and bulkier than Bellamy. Yes, what about him?”

“He’s your hydrologist and he’s nice and doesn’t want you to hate him and become the next Wick. He also knew my dad.”

“I will try not to be so Raven about the project, but I can’t guarantee anything, I will do it for Jake,” Raven smiled. Jake took her under his wing during the last year of his life. She was his right hand man working on everything he couldn’t because he was in and out of the hospital.

Clarke smiled, she missed her dad, hated that he wouldn’t know his grandson or any of Clarke’s children, whomever their father may be.

“He wouldn’t shut up about you, you were his light.”

Clarke continued to smile, talking about her dad was hard for her, he was her first best friend, her first confidant. Her favorite person.

“He’s the one who said you and Bellamy were a perfect couple, a wicked balance of passion and logic. He sometimes wished you were more spontaneous like Bellamy, only really seeing it in your art.”

“He loved my drawings.”

“And the ones of Bellamy, where are they?”

“Locked in a drawer unfinished because he’s impossible! I first thought that the more I tried, the easier he’d be with time and practice, but he’s impossible.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, I’m blaming the freckles. I’ll try again, but I doubt it’s changed.”

“You learned a lot in Europe, maybe he’s possible now,” Raven shrugged.

Clarke rolled her eyes, “Don’t you have work to get to?”

“I do. Your phone buzzed as I walked in by the way,” she tossed the phone at Clarke before walking out.

Clarke unlocked her phone and opened the text from Bellamy.

B. Blake (9:43 am): Melissa just left a vm. We got the 3br. I’ll put a deposit down after work this afternoon.

Clarke grimaced at Melissa’s name, she looked at him like everyone does with and without them knowing that they aren’t together. It was one of those things that happened in the presence of Bellamy Blake, you become background noise. There is no comparison to the combination of his attractiveness, build, and voice, he wins out over everything he’s around and yes, she’s highly attractive and had heads turn in her own right. But whenever Bellamy was around, all eyes were on him and it wasn’t that she was envious of that, it was that he was uncomfortable with all the attention. She’s seen him flourish in it and take it for all it was worth but when he was out with her and their friends, he was uncomfortable with all the glances and primitive staring. She was envious of him to an extent, he naturally drew in their attention, Melissa’s attention, and she was… She’s his baby mama.

She texted him back.

 

 

She checked the other message and it was her mom asking her to call when she woke up, jet lag is a bitch.

“Hello?” Abby answered after the second ring.

“Hey, Mom. Bellamy and I got the apartment.”

“That’s great! Are you up to buying stuff for the baby today?”

“Uh, yeah. I need some maternity clothes too.”

“Of course! Do you have something to wear today or…”

“I have a dress I bought in Italy that I can wear. I texted Bellamy and he wants to go too. He said he can meet us if we want to head out before he gets out of work.”

“I’ll pick you up in an hour and we can get maternity clothes and see where that brings us in terms of meeting Bellamy.”

“Sounds good,” Clarke told he mother and they hung up, Clarke preparing for her long day of shopping.

* * *

“That’s a cute dress, what city did you get it?”

“Florence, there’s a bridge, the Ponte Vecchio, that’s made out of shops, a bunch of us spent a weekend afternoon there for souvenirs and I found this dress and everyone swore they’d pitch in and buy it for me if I didn’t myself so I did and it’s probably one of the best decisions I made.”

The dress was a light dusky blue that could be mistaken for grey in passing and it complimented her eyes in a way she couldn’t really describe as anything other than effervescent (her instructor’s word when she wore it).

“You’re glowing,” Abby smiled.

“I don’t know how to take that anymore,” Clarke grimaced, looking at a shirt she would never buy if she weren’t pregnant.

“That shirt isn’t for you. You’re gorgeous and your baby is really lucky having you and Bellamy for parents.”

“Mom—“

Abby picked another shirt out and folded it over her arm as though they were shopping for regular clothes. “I’m serious. It’s going to be the most loved child in the world with all your friends and—“

“You and Marcus for grandparents,” Clarke agreed, rolling her neck in aggravation. This was the last thing she wanted to do and the last thing she wanted to talk about. “Mom, I—I’m not scared exactly, I just don’t know what the future holds with Bellamy. He says he wants this and I know he’s going to give us his all but what if… what if he finds someone? Has a family of his own down the road? I’ll just be his friend, the mother of his first born, I don’t think I know how to be that.”

“You’ll figure it out. You and Bellamy have a strong relationship, if that’s what happens in the future you two could handle it.”

“What if she doesn’t like our son?”

“Then Bellamy wouldn’t be with her. You know him, Clarke, why are you doubting him?”

“I don’t know, I’m just thinking about everything. You were a third year resident and married to dad when you had me, I… Bellamy and I still have a year of school left and we’re not even on good terms right now.”

“You have three months to change that. You’re also about to live together so try.”

“It’s not… I told Raven everything this morning and she told me almost the exact same thing you did when I told you. I had six months to get over it and I haven’t, how am I just supposed to move on?”

“Tell him. Share your side of that night with him and let him know so he’s not in the dark. Let him try and fix it or maybe not fix it but share his end of it.”

“He thought he raped me. He actually said the word. I don’t… that night I told him that I hated that I loved him. He twisted it into me telling him that I hate him and it’s… I can’t tell him that I loved him because it doesn’t matter anymore, it’s not how I feel now.”

“How do you feel?”

“Confused. I lost him that night, I left the next day and didn’t even call to tell him that I was pregnant. He’s acting like it’s all okay, that we can move in together, raise our son, take classes like it’s all normal. It’s not normal!”

“No, it isn’t and I think he’s right, that you should just take the semester off for maternity leave. Your body has time to rest and the baby can bond with you better. I had three months off after you were born. That will bring you to the beginning of the spring semester. You can take a full course load or go full time to get back in the swing of it, you can decide then. It’s your choice though, I’m just sharing my opinion.”

“I know, thank you. I don’t know what to do about any of this, I’m out of my depth.”

“I thought that was where you thrived. I thought that was why you took that semester abroad.”

Clarke scoffed, “Partly, we were in a group, the lot of us, and it was easier, going with the flow and not having control.”

“Was that also because you knew you were pregnant and you were giving up control?”

“Did you get your psych degree while I was gone?”

Abby laughed, “No, I just know my daughter.”

“Maybe,” Clarke shrugged.

“Do you want to try these on?”

“No, I don’t want to remember how big I am.”

“Okay, are you hungry? Do you want to look for furniture or—“

“Food. I think Bellamy would want to make decisions on furniture.”

“He would,” Abby agreed, leading them towards the register to pay.

They grabbed pizza, Clarke told her more about her time in France and Italy, the landmarks, the real behind the scenes that tourists don’t typically get unless they’re living with locals, like they were. Jumping from one home to another staying two or three nights at a time before moving on. They got the real France, the real Italy, not the tourism golden glitter version, but the real stuff.

 

 

“Bellamy is going to meet us at Ethan Allen. We’re taking him a slice too.”

“Sounds good. Are we leaving now?”

“Yeah, I’ll get another slice and meet you at the car.”

“Clarke—“

“Yeah?”

“I’m here to help you financially, but you need to stand on your own two feet too.”

“I know,” Clarke rolled her eyes.

* * *

“Are we going in and looking around while we wait for him?”

“I guess.”

“Are you getting a new bed because Luna is using the one in your apartment?”

“Uh, yeah. I guess.”

“So we’ll go over to the beds and look there while we wait.”

“Sure.”

In the fifteen minutes they waited for Bellamy to show, Clarke had picked out a bed, she wasn’t allowed to look at the price, but come on, it’s Ethan Allen, it won’t cost any less that two thousand. Abby picked out her mattress and night stands that matched the bed, and a dresser, as though she’s just giving Luna Clarke’s bedroom set that was in the apartment with O and Raven. And a tall chest on top of all that, Clarke was getting annoyed at her mother’s spendthrift ways when she saw Bellamy walk in and she left her mother in the bedroom area and headed to the baby section, dragging Bellamy along with her.

“What’s going on?” he chuckled when she stopped pulling him along.

“She’s buying the whole store, don’t tell her what size bed you have she will buy you an overpriced mattress.”

“I could use a new mattress.”

“Bellamy—“

He smirked, “Okay, fine. What are we doing here?”

“Crib. Dresser for the baby. Clothes too, but that can be another day. Oh,” she shoved the paper bag balanced on her hand at him. “Your pizza.”

“Thanks, Romero’s is the best.”

He opened the bag and dug into the slice. They walked around looking at different cribs and dressers.

“I’m going with Kingswell for the crib, I really like the navy blue color.”

“It has nothing to do with it being the cheapest?”

“Clarke, we can go to Babies-R-Us and get a crib that will do just as good a job as these but cost four hundred. I’m not trying to be cheap but that’s the reality of it.”

“Ethan Allen wasn’t my idea, Bellamy. She’s excited about this and she was denied doing this for six months, she agreed to wait until I got back. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to have any time to relax and get over this jet lag. We have three months to worry about all this but she wants to do it now.”

“I get that, it’s overwhelming. I’m overwhelmed, but I’ve only had thirty six hours to get accustomed to the idea of having a kid, which wasn’t exactly fair, but I know why you did it. I’m in this, Clarke, I’m not going to leave him.”

Clarke nodded, she knew that, of course she did because he’s Bellamy, but his constant reminders helped with her anxiety. The baby kicked and Clarke smiled, knowing he was going to do it again and she grabbed Bellamy’s free hand to her stomach where the last one was and Bellamy gasped when he did it again, his eyes pooling with tears that he swiped away.

“He’s strong,” he smiled.

“He’s your son.”

“I—I can’t believe this is real.”

“You’re—you’re okay with it?”

“It’s earlier than I initially wanted, but yes, I’ve always wanted children, Clarke. I want to give them a better life than what I had.”

Clarke smiled, she always knew that he was going to be the hardworking father that gave his kids everything, that’s Bellamy. She was lucky it’s his kid and not someone she didn’t know or care about. “So, the Kingswell in midnight. The Hyperion double dresser in grey.”

“Why grey?”

“Color scheme. The brown doesn’t look good with the crib and the white is just going to get dirty.”

“I can build a bookshelf for him or we can go somewhere cheaper all together.”

“She’s buying, Bellamy, her grandmotherly duties or whatever.”

“Why does it have to be the most expensive things? Cheaper stuff is just as good, if not better than this place.”

“Prestige, if she has someone over the house and finds an off brand receipt, they’ll tell people and it’s the senator and a head of surgery, they’re not exactly scouring the parking lot for pennies. They should pay for high-end furniture for their grandchild.”

“Marcus?”

“Yes, Bellamy, Marcus is going to be the baby’s grandfather.”

Bellamy nodded with a taught smile, “I’m glad he has one.”

Clarke nodded, not knowing what to say.

* * *

_Clarke knocked on the dorm room door, smoothing out her dress, halfway hoping he wasn’t angrily hungover… or drunk again. “Bell,” she called knocking again. “Bell, come on, don’t make me get Shumway!”_

_The door swung open, slamming against the wall and Clarke took a half step back. She’s seen him pissed off plenty of times, she’s seen him drunk and beating the pulp out of some asshole that touched one of his friends in an unsavory way, but the look in his eyes were different this time, she couldn’t even describe it other than cold and distant and that barely covered it._

_Clarke licked her lips nervously, sucking off all her lip gloss before stepping into the room, closer to him. Miller wasn’t there even though he texted her earlier that he was going to be at the funeral home, he’s probably getting his suit._

_“It’s an hour before the funeral, you should get ready,” she said softly, seeing his suit hanging up on the closet door._

_“Fuck her, I’m not going.”_

_“It’s not for her, it’s for you. It’s closure.”_

_“What the fuck has she ever done for me that I need closure? Locked me in the closet while she fucked some guy? Have me take care of O at seven years old? I don’t need closure for a mother I never had!”_

_Clarke swallowed, she knew they had a shitty childhood, that Bellamy was the responsible one and took care of Octavia and kept her quiet when their mother had company over. She didn’t know how bad it really was though. He barely remembered his dad because he died just before Bellamy started kindergarten, he barely has any memories of him, just one distinct one at a beach he thinks he made up. They don’t know who Octavia’s father was so all they had was a broken mother who didn’t try to raise them, putting it all on Bellamy._

_Clarke pulled him into a hug he didn’t want, fighting her but he knew she wouldn’t give into him so he caved, dropping his head on her shoulder, wrapping his arms around her too._

_Clarke combed her fingers through his knotted mess of curls, he groaned and hissed when she found a knot, working her fingers through it but never pulled away, just calming himself down from working himself up into a frenzy. “O’s going to stay at my house until we’re in the dorms. It’s her decision, she didn’t want you to worry about her while you were here, okay? Mom and Marcus agreed so you don’t have to worry.”_

_“I’m always going to worry,” he whispered his lips brushing the column of her throat causing goosebumps to pop up all over her skin._

_She pulled away slowly, “You should take a shower and I’ll tie your tie for you.”_

_“I don’t want to go, Clarke.”_

_“I know, but you should. Octavia needs you too.”_

_He sighed and nodded. “Thank you, Clarke. You’re a good friend.”_

_Even though she felt like her heart was being torn out of her chest with the words, she smiled and nodded, pushing him to the door to shower._


	4. Runnin' Round

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarktavia... (I really didn't know they had a shipname...this is also a letdown that was most definitely made too early in the show for any good name for them.)  
> Bellamy's POV change halfway through this chapter.  
> FLASHBACK: BELLAMY'S POV: Truth or Dare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from the song Runnin' Round by Xavier Omär (the song I was listening to when I was writing the Clarktavia scene)  
> One of my best friends just moved to Vancouver and sends me texts everyday that he's seen Jarod Joseph or Sachin Sahil and even though I know he's messing with me, my heart does somersaults thinking that I could meet them if I ever get the chance to go visit him (he lives in Gastown!).

Clarke laid on her back, the baby kicking her stomach because he absolutely hated when she laid on her back, her left side, always her left side and Clarke would be pissed if he was left handed like her, it sucked living in a world made for righties.

Aside from thinking about that and his incessant kicking tonight regardless of the position she laid in, she couldn’t get comfortable and blamed the new mattress. It was the same model at her old apartment but that’s Luna’s bed now, so Clarke bought a new mattress, new bed frame and box spring too. New everything essentially thanks to Abby and Marcus. Obviously she choose the coolest bed there that was nearly four grand once hearing they were going to buy it for her.

But the problem was that she couldn’t sleep. Her first night in her new room in her new apartment and it’s like how it was last time when she moved in with Raven and O, she couldn’t sleep for shit the first week and she was a Scrooge until she was so tired she fell asleep writing a term paper and that was it, it broke the curse and she could sleep in the new space on any flat surface that would let her (seriously some were insanely weird).

She groaned, sitting up. She knew what she had to do, whether it was a good idea or not, it’s the one thing that would guarantee her sleep tonight, allowing her to sleep in the apartment forever and not have temporary insomnia for a week which would inhibit the baby’s health and would not make Clarke a happy person at all.

She got out of bed and peed, for what seemed like the millionth time since she got home that afternoon, before standing at Bellamy’s closed door wondering if he were even awake. If she should knock or peek in. What does one do when they sneak into someone’s bedroom for comfort?

“Clarke,” she heard through the door and she panicked, about to run back to her room.  “I can see your feet. Come in.”

She opened the door and looked in on Bellamy, the hall light shining right on him in his pitch black room. “I was just going to the bathroom.”

“Wrong way.”

Clarke grimaced, it was a pathetic lie.

“You forget that I know you, Clarke, I slept with you that first night in your dorm... you came out to the common room and fell asleep on the couch with me. You can never sleep alone in a new space.”

“Right,” she nodded, stepping into his room slowly before turning back to turn the hall light out.

She walked over in the pitch black to his bed and climbed in next to him, laying on her side, her back to him. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” he said softly and Clarke wondered if he would do this with any of the other one night stands of his if they came to him saying they were pregnant with his kid. She hoped he wouldn’t. “Good night, Clarke.”

“Night, Bellamy.”

She tried sleeping, but Bellamy was a loud thinker, he always was and she never had a problem with it before, but this was different. This was Bellamy post-coital (months count), he’s seen her naked, he’s heard her moan and cry out in ecstasy because of him. Even after six months, she still remembers how perfect his dick is, how his happy trail curved slightly to the left before meeting his pubic hair. She remembered his grunts, his anger, so the possibility of him remembering her was there too and she hoped he wasn’t thinking about that.

“Clarke, sleep,” he said softly after a few moments.

“You’re thinking so loud!” She countered.

“I’m not thinking, I’m trying to sleep.”

She didn’t say anything, she knew what her problem was, what the difference between this time and last time was, certainly not the mattress, that’s the same.

“Bell...”

Bellamy rolled onto his side and wrapped his arm around her waist and swell of their growing child, his thumb rubbing softly over the fabric of her shirt. “Now, go to sleep,” he said pressing a kiss to her shoulder and Clarke sighed, now everything was mostly the same.

* * *

Clarke woke up the next morning and groaned, she slept amazingly even though she woke up alone. She’s gotten used to it with Bellamy now. It hurt before—still—but they’re co-parenting this rugrat in ten or so weeks so she’s fine, she’s burying her feelings and she’s fine.

There was a knock on the door before a petite brunette popped her head in. “Clarke? You awake?”

“Getting there. What are you doing here, O?”

“Bell had to go to work so he asked if I could come over and help you unpack the rest of the boxes.”

 _Of course he did_ , she thought getting out of bed. “I could have done it myself.”

“You’re nearly seven months pregnant, you shouldn’t do any heavy lifting.”

“I’d wait for Miller to come over when Bellamy got home to arrange furniture but I can unpack boxes by myself,” she closed the door to the bathroom and listened to Octavia through the door.

“You’ve also been avoiding me,” she said and Clarke grimaced. She knew O would be blunt about it if she talked around it and tried getting rid of her instead of welcoming her and offering coffee that Clarke can’t have.

“No, I haven’t.”

“We lived in the same apartment for two weeks and you barely spoke to me. We were best friends.”

“Were?” she repeated, wondering if it was a slip of the tongue or if O had replaced her with Luna like Raven had.

“You’re the one that’s pushing me away, Clarke. You needed to talk to Bellamy and your mom and I get that, but when are you going to talk to me? It’s impacting my life too.”

 “I know, I just…” Clarke opened the bathroom door and walked into her room. “What am I supposed to say, Octavia? I’m pregnant with your nephew and I don’t know what the future holds with your brother when he finds someone he wants to marry. I don’t know what that would mean for us. For me,” she added softly to herself. She found a clean shirt from a box yet to be unpacked from the store two weeks ago and changed into it before pulling out the black leggings and her favorite socks Miller got her for Secret Santa two years ago that yell _I DON’T GIVE A FUCK._

“Clarke, he—“ Octavia sighed. “Bellamy will be open with you about that, you know that. He will make meticulous plans about what days he picks him up from school and what holidays you both have, but you have to talk to him and be open to his ideas.”

“I know that, I just don’t know what we even are. Are we friends? Are we more? Are we less? We live together but that’s to make everything with the baby easier, that has nothing to do with feelings so…”

“Clarke, talk to him. Give him a chance and don’t stop talking to me. We were friends long before you and Bellamy were, so don’t take his actions out on me.”

“I know, I just… I didn’t know what you’d think of me, I’m not one of his groupies, like he had in high school and everyone had a crush on the soccer star and not-so-secret nerd,” she lied, she’s liked him forever.

“I know that and I’m not saying you’re in love with him or anything like that but Clarke, you did sleep with him. You agreed to that knowing it could ruin your friendship.”

“I certainly didn’t expect to get pregnant.”

“And you chose to keep your best friend’s child without consulting him. Without talking to him at all for six months, why?”

“He wasn’t there when I woke up, I thought that he thought it was a mistake that I was disgusting and I was messed up over it for a while. People thought I was this depressed antisocial girl when I was constantly worried about losing my best friend and then I found out I was pregnant and I knew I lost him. I had all these fucked up thoughts in my head that were telling me to keep the baby if I want Bellamy in my life because he would never walk away from his kid. You know that’s true but then I walked in the clinic to get rid of it and I… it felt wrong, it felt like Bellamy would never speak to me again if I aborted our child. I couldn’t do it, O, it felt so wrong.”

“Did you ever think that _not_ telling him was betraying him?”

“Of course! Octavia, you know me, you know that I can hold in my rage and wait until the worst possible time to let it out. I didn’t want that to happen with him. If I called him, I would have screamed and yelled and said so much shit that wasn’t true, that I’d regret. That is why I didn’t call and tell him. I wasn’t going to text him and let him know that he was going to be a dad by text, I learned the hard way on that from Abby. There was no good way to tell him while I was there.”

Octavia nodded, she saw Clarke’s point, imagining it with Lincoln and how unfair it would be to him no matter how she told him. She saw Clarke’s point but she was also on Bellamy’s end of the situation, finding out that she’s going to be an aunt three months before her nephew is born so she sees how unfair it is to not know. “Just a text that said ‘I’m pregnant and you’re the father’ would have been better than nothing. It wouldn’t have been fair, but he deserved to know too, Clarke.”

It wasn’t as though Clarke didn’t know that it wasn’t fair, of course it wasn’t, but what if he said he didn’t want it, he didn’t want to be a father?

“We haven’t had a chance to talk about it, there’s been so much going on but we’re going to. We haven’t even discussed names.”

“You know he wants Augustus, right?”

Clarke laughed, shaking her head, “Of course, he does. Fucking nerd.”

“What name were you thinking?”

“Jacob but I was thinking more of a middle name and I don’t know if his last name should be Blake or Griffin-Blake. I want to talk to Bellamy about it all, we just haven’t gotten there yet.”

“You should get on that because before you know it, you’ll have a son with the name Augustus Jacob Griffin-Blake and will be tortured in school.”

Clarke laughed, “That is a truly terrible name.”

“Do you want to go out for breakfast, are you craving anything in particular?”

“Don’t hate me, but those French toast muffins that you made during winter break before I left have been the one thing I’ve craved the most and I’ve been deprived!”

“Okay, why don’t you go shower and while you’re in there, I’ll go to the store and get everything to make them. They should be ready within the hour,” O smiled.

* * *

Bellamy walked in the apartment at three, Miller behind him and grimaced in confusion. His apartment was a gigantic mess, newspaper, packing peanuts and bubble wrap strewn across the living room and dining area, the kitchen had dishes and unfinished food left out and there was too much noise coming from down the hall, hopefully Clarke’s room.

“Um, I’d wait here,” he said to Miller and looked back quickly to find an overwhelmed Miller. He hates untidy chaos.

“Yeah, I’m gonna… garbage bags?” Miller muttered haphazardly, eyes searching the space for something to throw all the trash into.

Bellamy walked through the kitchen and down the hall, the baby’s room was empty, fresh paint smell overpowering his sinuses, a nice grey/blue on the walls that they both agreed on after three days of arguing. They’ve only talked about décor and Bellamy was on the verge of snapping.

Clarke’s room was next and he pushed the door open, finding Clarke, his sister, and Raven sitting on the floor of Clarke’s room, a bottle of wine between them with the entire room a mess, just like the living room.

“What the fuck is this?”

“Bell!” Octavia cried out drunkenly and Raven’s cackle started up again and Clarke looked guiltily over her shoulder at him.

“Seriously? It’s barely three and she’s drunk?”

“I brought home wine, a lot of wine actually, the cases arrived at the apartment this morning and Raven brought them over and they drank _three_ bottles.”

“And what did you drink?”

“Water. I sipped, I did a taste test to remember the story of each place they’re from.”

“Alcohol is bad for babies.”

“I know that, it’s a taste, not a chug. I don’t feel anything because I barely had a tablespoon collectively.”

Bellamy nodded, still unconvinced that such a small amount of wine won’t harm their son.

“What are you doing home early?”

“I told you Miller and I were going to be here at three, you guys have made a huge mess!”

“Shit, it’s three? Okay, the furniture delivery is going to be here in an hour! Octavia, will you… no, you lay down on my bed. Raven, are you functioning?”

“Like a V6.”

“Cool, we should clean up the living room so they could set it up, you guys helped me a lot in here. A lot of laughs at Roan’s expense too,” she smiled and Bellamy grimaced. Her first real smile since coming home.

* * *

_"Octavia,” Nathan smirked before gulping down some of his beer. “Truth or dare?”_

_“Truth,” she grimaced. Rules say if you pick dare twice in a row you have to choose truth the third time and vice versa, she doesn’t have to be happy about it._

_“When was your first kiss?”_

_“Legitimate first kiss or when we were five on the swings in the playground?”_

_“That never counts,” Murphy grumbled._

_Clarke laughed, knowing the story because she was there._

_“It was Jasper and we’re running cross country before he got into weed and I realized I’m too cool for cross country so sixth grade. We took a break on the trail in the woods behind the soccer field and he kissed me. It was sweet but not reciprocated,” she smiled at him across their group of friends. “Love ya like a brotha,” she said with a bad Gaelic accent that was definitely not intended on being Gaelic at all, making everyone smile._

_“Love ya too sis,” Jasper rolled his eyes and they hugged it out over the coffee table in the dorm common room._

_“Clarkie,” O smiled. “Truth or dare?”_

_Clarke sighed, “Dare.”_

_“Really?”_

_“You’re forgetting that I know you. I’d take a dare from you over a Truth any day.”_

_Octavia smirked deviously because realistically both options were bad coming from O but she’s been trying to crack who Clarke’s been crushing on for the past three months and she’s not giving in for anything. “I dare you to tell me who you have a crush on.”_

_“That’s cheating,” Bellamy grumbled from next to Clarke, his head lifting from the cushion for the first time in five minutes, Clarke was convinced he was asleep._

_“Don’t act like you don’t want to know, big brother.”_

_“The princess’s love life is statistically more entertaining that WWE. Sorry, Miller.”_

_Miller shrugged, indifferent._

_“Come on, O. Give me something,” Clarke pushed, wanting to get it over with._

_“Kiss someone here.”_

_“What?”_

_“Kiss someone. Doesn’t have to be anyone specific, they just have to be here right now in this room.”_

_Clarke nodded and looked around at her friends. Raven, Monty, Jasper, Murphy, Miller, Harper, Octavia, Monroe, Bellamy, she really had no interest in any of them aside from Bellamy but she didn’t want to be obvious, she’s been good about keeping her crush on him a secret, even with O’s probing questions._

_Clarke rolled her eyes, deciding that kissing Bellamy was either going to make her crush worse or it’ll go away so she touched his cheek, turning his head and kissed him, barely a second and mouth closed, before she leaned back and took a swig of her beer like it meant nothing._

_“You call_ that _a kiss?” Jasper yelled and that was when Clarke’s cheeks began to flare up. She couldn’t restrain herself like that again if she tried._

 _“O didn’t specify and it’s not like I_ want _to kiss any of you.”_

_“My heart is breaking, you’re the only woman I’d go straight for,” Miller deadpanned._

_Clarke scoffed._

_“Yeah, that doesn’t count. I was talking about a real kiss, not grandma and grandpa smooch,” O pushed._

_“You asked for a kiss, she did it. Just leave it, O,” Bellamy said and Clarke swore she heard a tinge of antipathy in his tone._

_“No, that wasn’t a real kiss. That was nothing. You should really do that again.”_

_“Octavia,” Raven said sternly and O backed off._

_“Fine, you big babies. Clarke, go.”_

_“Uh… Har—Harper.”_

_She didn’t get the chance to think about the miliseconds that her lips were pressed against Bellamy’s until the morning and by then the memories were hazy and she vaguely remembered his lips being chapped… possibly._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somewhat of a filler.. sorry not sorry, life is busy rn


	5. Oh Na Na (What’s My Name?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst. So much angst that I already want to kill myself.  
> Former love interest shows up... for them both.  
> Clarke and Luna bonding... not bondage.  
> Roan's back!  
> A lot happens in this chapter...  
> FLASHBACK: what flashback?  
> You know where the chapter title is from... I don’t have to tell ya...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a lot of pictures thrown in because it was a lot easier for me to do that this weekend. Needless to say, it was HELL.  
> A little behind the scenes of my writing style (if you care):  
> Days 1-3: Writing and minor editing.  
> Day 3: Chapter ends wherever I deem fit (or I'm tired and want to call it a night) and 90% of the time I'm at the 8-9 page mark in Word when that happens. YAY! If not and I have a background element (e.g. flashback) I throw it in there because it's going to be at least 2-3 pages and will make me happy bringing the chapter to 10+ pages. (unless I'm having a bad week and it's crossed over to my writing like in the filler chapter that is Chapter 4)  
> Days 4-5: Major editing, let's make everything make sense in my convoluted mind because odds are that while writing this at work, Harrison or Michelle distracted me and many sentences were half constructed! Woo!  
> Day 6: Start the next chapter, get the idea juices flowing again, once I have the first scene down, write a chapter summary with a few key points you'd like to make and hopefully make them happen, leaving the end with: FLASHBACK: what flashback?" Also, try to come up with a chapter title.  
> Day 7: Post completed chapter and hope people like it while simultaneously getting inspired by a shitty Christmas movie about a Bellarke Christmas fic...

Bellamy was cooking and Clarke watched, absent mindedly stirring her decaf tea. She should say something, she should tell him it smells amazing or something (it does). Get the ball rolling, but her tongue was tied and they were having their friends over for the first time since the apartment was completed, including the baby’s room.

“So… Luna,” she grimaced, why’s she starting here? “She—she’s coming?”

“Uh, yeah. I think so, I haven’t confirmed, but she’s invited,” he said, grabbing something out of the cabinet and poured it into the pan on the stove.

“Have you spent time with her? I—I didn’t get the chance to before I left.”

“Your decision. She’s cool, boho is what Raven and O call her, she’s vegetarian.”

“Raven wears a red leather jacket, she’s okay with that?”

“She respects people’s choices, she’s not a fanatic.”

“Okay.”

“Clarke—“ he looked over his shoulder at her and she intently watched her spoon in her tea. “I don’t like talking about you leaving, okay? You can’t be angry about not knowing her.”

“I’m not, I just want to know why it’s been three weeks and I haven’t seen any of my friends because they’re always with her.”

“They live with her. You three were clique-y when you were living with them. I was lucky I saw you at all.”

Clarke blinked, “I always made time for you.”

“I know, but sometimes you’d be here texting them.”

“The apartment was haunted for three months, it was life or death!”

“Right,” he grimaced, turning back to the stove.

It’s as though they didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore. She’ll say something and he’ll take it the wrong way and she wouldn’t understand how to fix it. Or it’d be the same from him and it sucked. They weren’t on the same page anymore and Clarke didn’t know how to get them back to that.

Could they get back to that?

“Could you get the wine out? Aeration or whatever,” he threw over his shoulder.

“Yeah,” she stood and stepped towards the wine rack. “Hey, Bellamy, when are we going to talk about names?”

“What?” he spun around and glared at her. “You didn’t plan that already?”

Clarke shook her head. “He’s our son, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“Really? Would I have… our friends are going to be here in ten minutes and we aren’t going to fight before they do.”

“I don’t want to fight, Bellamy. I—I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I can’t take that back, I’m trying. All I can do is try. Try letting you in, try moving past how you looked at me. I’m trying!”

“You’re trying with everyone else, Clarke! You’re trying with Raven and Octavia. You even have Miller on your side!”

“There are no sides! There’s our son.”

“How do I know he’s even mine?”

“Because I’m not a slut and I wouldn’t lie to you!”

“No, you’d just ignore me for six months and go through it alone and leaving me in the dark.”

“Fuck you, Bellamy. Have fun at your fucking party!”

Clarke grabbed her phone and purse and left.

She didn’t know where to go. Everyone that she’d usually go to was heading over to their apartment and she was definitely not going to see her mother and tell her anything. They’ve made progress over the years but there’s a life’s worth of therapy involved in their relationship and adding this baby and Bellamy into the mix wasn’t going to do her any good and all she really wanted, all Clarke needed at that very moment was a copious amount of tequila.

But she can’t have that. She still went to her favorite bar, nodding to Gina when she walked in, grabbing a booth. It’s a Tuesday, the bar was rather empty so Clarke left her purse and walked up to the bar, trusting the guys in the back playing pool and watching ESPN.

“You’re pregnant? Bellamy didn’t say.”

“I doubt he would, he’s rather ashamed.”

“Wait, he’s the father?” Gina’s face knotted and Clarke couldn’t tell if she was laughing or annoyed by the notion, they used to date, would she be jealous?

“From what he claims to have been a rape. He literally said he raped me, but I corrected him.”

“Wait, you’re… five/six months already and he hasn’t said a word to anyone because I’m pretty sure they’d have mentioned it to me before right this very moment.”

“No one knew, I was in France and Italy.” Clarke rubbed her belly gently, “Hate sex because I was going to the one place in the world Bellamy’s been dying to go since he could talk.”

“He’s incapable of hating you, you’re one of the reasons we broke up.”

“What?”

“Oh, it’s okay, I’m over it, I think I knew before we’d gotten together that it wasn’t going to work out. It was fun though,” she shrugged. “Could I get you something besides some free therapy?”

Clarke smiled. “Water and a bowl of limes.”

“Pseudo tequila. Want seltzer or club soda?”

“Either is better than water.”

Gina brought the two requests over to her a minute later and Clarke delved into the limes. “So what happened?” she asked after Clarke’s third lime.

“No, you tell me how I broke you two up.”

“He only talked about you first of all. Octavia doesn’t count because she’s his sister, he can talk all he wants about her, but you… the way he talked about you, it were as though you were the key to everything. You were the reason he was put on this Earth and as his girlfriend—as a woman—I knew that there was nothing I could do to have him see me like that when he already did someone else.”

“Huh,” Clarke grimaced, taking a bite out of another slice of lime.

“You’re turn.”

“I didn’t tell him. I—I didn’t talk to him at all while I was in Europe. I didn’t talk to any of them if I could help it. The only person who knew was my mom and she’s into responsibility, making me own up to things myself so she didn’t tell anyone. Raven found out when she picked me up, Octavia found out in the bathroom and Bellamy found out by eavesdropping on me telling her she’s going to be an aunt so it wasn’t like I even got to tell him really.

“I think he’s mad about that, avoiding telling him for six months, not being the first to know and finding out secondhand. None of it was fair or how I’d pictured it and now we’re living together while hating each other because co-parenting would be easier when we live together,” she said, practically quoting him.

“That sounds like Bellamy.”

“His idea,” Clarke agreed. “But all we do is fight and it isn’t even about stuff that matters, décor or what’s for dinner, we can barely talk to each other.”

“Which is why you’re in a bar on a Tuesday when you can’t drink.”

“That and I have no place else to go because everyone was going over to our apartment to see how everything’s set up and complete because it took us three weeks to agree on where the TV should go in the living room.”

“I honestly thought you two would have gotten together once we broke up, but it seems like he’s gotten dumber.”

“What?”

“He drops everyone for you. You’d do anything for him, who else would do that?”

“We were best friends.”

“Were?”

“How could we be best friends when we can barely talk?”

Gina grimaced, “You two have always been bad at communicating your feelings and it was like watching a train crash in slow motion.”

“Clarke?” she heard behind her and someone stepped up to the bar.

Clarke looked over and saw someone she never thought she’d see again. “Lexa?”

“It is you! Wow, how—how have you been?”

“Tired,” Clarke laughed.

“Oh, my God! You’re pregnant! You and Bellamy finally figured it out?”

Gina scoffed, “That’d be a no.”

“He’s the father, but he’s not—we’re not together. It was one time and I left. I went to Europe for a semester.”

“For… art?”

“Yeah, I dropped out of pre-med in May.”

“We broke up over it in February.”

“I—I knew you were right, I just had to figure it out on my own time.”

“You and Bellamy will figure it out.”

“Lexa, who’s this?” a brunette that was downright _gorgeous_ asked, wrapping her hand around her waist.

“Hey, this is Clarke. Clarke, this is Costia.”

“Oh, hey,” Clarke nodded nervously. Her day just keeps getting better and better.

“Lexa’s said a lot about you. You’re just like she said, I—thank you for keeping her company.”

“That’s one way of putting it.”

“Could I get you ladies anything?” Gina asked, noticing the change in Clarke’s mood.

“Two Guinness’s,” Costia smiled.

“I should… I have to get home, I’ll… it was good to see you Lexa and nice to—to meet you Costia. Gina?”

“I’ll add it to Bell’s tab,” she called while pouring the dark beer from the tap.

Clarke tapped the bar top and smiled, “Cool. Thanks for the talk.”

“In the job description.”

* * *

Clarke walked into the building, she’d stopped to buy two bottles of wine to explain her absence, when she found Echo waiting for the elevator.

“Clarke, what are you doing here?”

“At my apartment? I’m hanging out with friends. Why are you here?”

“I—I was invited to Bellamy’s apartment warming.”

“You mean our warming party. Bellamy’s and mine.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize you two were—“

“Yeah, we are,” Clarke said while glaring at her. Echo reminded Clarke of Lexa, a force of nature, a leader of sorts, doesn’t take any shit from people and maybe that’s what was wrong with their relationship in the first place, they were both alphas. And it’s definitely why Clarke doesn’t like Echo (aside from her eccentric name).

The elevator doors opened and they stepped in and silently rode up to the third floor where Clarke opened the apartment door, leaving it open for Echo. She headed over to the kitchen to drop the wine on the counter.

“You’re back,” Bellamy said, drying his hands.

“Yeah, your ex says hi, my ex and her old/new girlfriend says hi and your girlfriend who didn’t know that this was also _my_ apartment is here. I really wish I could be drunk right now,” she sneered, walking out and grabbed Raven’s arm on her way to her room.

“What’s going on? Who are we killing?”

“Gina just told me that I’m the reason she and Bellamy broke up.”

“One of many, is that really so surprising?”

“Yes. And Bellamy was why Lexa and I didn’t work?”

“Again, one of many. Why are you bringing this up now and where have you been?”

“Talking to Gina and Lexa and Costia. Then told Echo that this party isn’t for Bellamy’s apartment, it’s Bellamy’s and my apartment. Why the hell are we doing this?”

“Because you love him.”

Clarke shook her head, blinking back tears. “I don’t want to love him, not like this, not when I’ve totally fucked our lives up.”

“Okay, Clarke, first of all; breathe. Secondly, let’s say you called him. It’s been two months, you realize you missed your period a few times and you take the test—or a few—and it’s positive. You call Bellamy and tell him that you are in fact pregnant and you don’t know what to do. You can have the baby and raise it together, you can have the baby and give it up for adoption, or you can get an abortion. You ask for what he thinks is right and he says he isn’t ready to be a father with school and no real sustaining job and that he’d feel like O’s dad if you gave the baby up for adoption, leaving abortion as the only option. How would you have felt? What would you have done?”

“I would have done it. I’m ruining our lives.”

“No, you’re not. You’re not ruining anyone’s life, you’re bringing a child into the world. A child with two parents who will love him, a biological aunt who’s going to do the same and an aunt by choice. Two grandparents who have taken in their daughter’s friends as their own children so they’ll no doubt spoil the crap out of their grandson. Miller and Monty for uncles, Murphy should _never_ be around children, and if Lincoln ever asks Octavia to marry him, a real uncle. Your kid has a family, Clarke. Sure, we’re insanely dysfunctional, but we’re always going to be family. Whether his parents are in love with each other or other people, that doesn’t mean either of you are going to neglect him.”

“I know that, but it isn’t fair to do this to him in his last year of his masters.”

“The last year of your bachelors. Clarke, the timing sucks, but you and Bellamy are going to be amazing. Oh, and Echo, she’s ace.”

Clarke grimaced, “Really?”

“Yeah, Bellamy’s hot so she’s definitely attracted to that in some way but she’s not sexually attracted to anything. I think the only thing that really gets her going is swords. She’s a strange chick, but the guys have befriended her, Roan’s out there talking to her right now, they apparently went to the same camp or something, years apart though.”

“Roan?”

“He wouldn’t let me leave work tonight if he wasn’t able to tag along. I either willingly brought him or he’d stalk me here.”

Clarke laughed and sniffled, blowing her nose in the tissue Raven passed her from the nightstand.

There was a knock on the door and Octavia peeked her head in, “Everything okay in here?”

“Yeah, we’re… we’re coming back out right now,” Clarke smiled at her two best friends.

“Luna wants to talk to you,” Raven said.

“Why?”

“She wants to apologize for monopolizing us. Bellamy said we did that with you too,” Octavia told her.

“Apparently,” Clarke shrugged.

“I feel like you always ditched us for him though.”

“I probably did.”

“You think that that’s something you might want to read into,” Raven shrugged.

“O, we’ll be right there, okay?” Clarke said and Octavia nodded, leaving before Clarke turned back to Raven. “That he’s my best friend and annoyed me less than the two of you?” Clarke offered, she knew what Raven was saying, she knew that she’d always choose Bellamy over everyone else, no matter what happens between them, she’ll always choose him, it was just harder right now than it should be because she’s hung up on how he looked at her in January.

“That you’re in love with him and you really need to stop talking in past tense because I know you and I know you still feel that way towards him.”

“So what? How I feel doesn’t matter, he still…” she licked her lips. “The way he looked at me that night… I can’t,” Clarke shook her head.

“You’re still hung up on that?”

“I’m hung up on falling for him and him using it against me.”

“I doubt that’s the case, but I can’t defend someone who isn’t defending himself.”

Clarke grimaced, “We should go out there, shouldn’t we?”

“Yes, we definitely should.”

* * *

“Clarke,” she heard after dinner, she and Bellamy sat at the heads of the table. She had Raven and Octavia flanking her, which she was thankful for, keeping her far away from Echo and Luna, Echo sitting next to Bellamy and flirting heavily so Clarke tried her hardest to avoid looking their way, but it was almost impossible. She caught Echo touching Bellamy’s arm, him smiling at her like she was all he could see.

She turned around and Luna was standing there. “Hi,” she smiled weakly, she hated today.

“I know we haven’t gotten a chance to know each other and I’m sorry I’ve been keeping your friends from you when you need them. I haven’t meant to—“

“Don’t apologize, it’s not you. It’s everything, I have to accept that nothing’s the same as when I left. I was gone for six months and I’m back and you guys had your own lives that you were living. Bellamy’s doing whatever with Echo. Raven and Octavia are living with you, the only thing that hasn’t changed was Lincoln not proposing to O which is still surprising.”

“I’m betting on Christmas, he’s corny like that.”

Clarke laughed, “You’re not wrong. I have been acting crazy jealous and I want to blame pregnancy hormones, but I’d still be jealous if I weren’t.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I’d be out on my ass if you weren’t.”

“You’d have gotten the apartment upstairs with Echo. I seriously don’t know how anyone gets along with her,” Clarke grimaced.

“She’s a force, but so is everyone here.”

Clarke thought about it but she couldn’t deny that all her friends were in some way alphas of their own, they’re just good at playing with others. Clarke has to learn some more of that. “Yeah, we just have to make time, find a common ground.”

“You’re thinking too much into this. You need someone to watch your kid, right? I just so happen to work at a daycare.”

“Oh, I—Bellamy and I haven’t decided what we’re going to do. We haven’t actually decided on anything, not even a name. We decided where the TV goes last night and barely.”

“You two will figure it out. At first, Bellamy walked out of the room when they talked about you but then he wouldn’t shut up about you, always asking when you were coming back. He was dying to see you.”

“Hey,” Echo said coming over to them. “I’m heading out. I just wanted to say this apartment is amazing, you and Bellamy did a good a great job.”

“Uh, thanks,” Clarke grimaced.

“He’s… he seems happy, frustrated, but happy.”

“Okay?”

“Um, yeah. I’m gonna… have a good night,” Echo left and Clarke grimaced.

“They’re not dating,” Luna offered. “They just have a mutual understanding like everyone with Murphy.”

Clarke laughed, “Yeah, okay, fully understandable now.”

Luna smiled, “See, we’ll get along. You’re always invited to girls’ night at the apartment… which is every night, actually.”

“I’m definitely taking you up on that.”

“Good, we can get to know each other. Anyway, it’s getting late and I should be getting home.”

”Okay, this was nice, good. I’m glad we talked,” Clarke smiled, opening her arms for a hug.

LUna hugged her back and agreed before saying goodbye to Bellamy and telling Octavia and Raven she’ll see them at their apartment.

* * *

Clarke stepped out of her room and nearly walked into Bellamy. “I was coming to wake you up.”

“Uh, okay. Why?”

“Names.”

“Right.”

“I made breakfast and I’m willing to talk.”

Clarke nodded, “Sounds good.”

They walked out to the kitchen and Clarke sat at the place setting ready at the island, Bellamy sitting next to her. They ate in silence, neither knowing exactly where to start, except that Clarke did. “Blake. He should be a Blake.”

“Yeah? What about your dad?”

“Middle name?” she offered.

“And Augustus Jacob Blake doesn’t sound good.”

“Not at all.”

Bellamy laughed, “So how do you want to do this?”

“I don’t know, you want to make lists and pick out of a hat with the ones we agree on?”

“We have hats?”

“Beanies count.”

“Yeah? Okay, how long do we do this for? A week? Two?”

“Why don’t we come back on Friday and go over each name and put them in a hat.”

“’Dad, how’d you and Mom name me?’ ‘Well, we put a bunch of names in a hat and picked what sounded best!’”

“One hell of a story.”

“Do you think we’ll love a name we pick from a hat?”

“I think we could. If we both love it.”

“Could you love a name with no historic meaning?”

“You’re doubting my naming skills.”

“To be fair, the last thing you named was your sister and she’s a Roman princess.”

“Incorrect, she’s Octavia Minor, the older sister of Augustus.”

“Such a big deal,” Clarke rolled her eyes, popping the last bite of eggs in her mouth. Honestly, it was the first conversation they’ve had since she got home that didn’t end in a fight.

“Right. I have a long shift today so I’ll text you when I’m leaving in fifteen minutes to order take out, just text me back with where.”

“Take out? We can just get it delivered.”

“Yeah, I don’t want to tip the delivery guy.”

“I can get it, it’s not a problem.”

“I know but it’s unnecessary, every menu in the drawer is on my way home from work so order and I’ll pick it up.”

“Okay,” Clarke grimaced.

* * *

 

Bellamy’s list:

Clarke's list:  


Clarke and Bellamy looked over each other’s lists and crossed out what they didn’t like.

“Bellamy, why is Griffin on here?”

“Family name, thought maybe you’d, I don’t know…”

“This is about what you like, Bellamy and he already has my dad’s name. If we’re going to give him Griffin too, he might as well be Jacob Griffin Blake, hyphenate or not.”

“So no Griffin?”

Clarke chuckled, “No.”

“Okay, why don’t we just cross out five we don’t like and merge the list.”

“Fine, I get the blue marker!”

“So I get the shit pencil, thanks,” Bellamy smirked.  


Leaving them with:

 

Where they crossed out three each:

And they each crossed out one more:

“So Colton and Elijah?”

“Yeah. They’re both good names,” Clarke nodded, suddenly nervous. They’re naming their child!

“We can shorten them both, Cole and Eli if you want.”

“I like them both. I can’t choose between them.”

“Yeah,” Bellamy nodded. “Why don’t we take a couple days to think about it and come back to it. We have that meeting with the school tomorrow anyway. one thing at a time, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I wrote Clexa... this has only happened once before and I hated it then and I hate it now.  
> Why did I make Becho a thing? Is it Bina or Gellamy? These were the questions going through my mind while writing this chapter.  
> Sorry this is so delayed, I've been sick and being the mediator in family drama and dealing with FAFSA and changing my degree before I even begin going to school... this has not been a fun few weeks :/  
> Also, would it be okay to have Lincoln be Clarke's cousin? #askingforafic


	6. W.D.Y.W.F.M.?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy/ Clarke/ Indra (Uni Dean) chat  
> Bellamy/ Clarke grocery shopping  
> Bellarke/ Kabby dinner party  
> Clarke/ Octavia phone call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to not make excuses anymore, people tend to see through them so my only reason for the hiatus with this is me being an ADHD riddled millennial, who cant even spell millennial without spellcheck correcting me twice, so I had different ideas I transferred all my energy into but not today Satan! I'm going to write this to completion.
> 
> Title from W.D.Y.W.F.M.? by The Neighbourhood

Indra walked into the room and Clarke’s leg began bouncing and Bellamy grimaced at her before standing to shake Indra’s hand.

“So we’re here to discuss Clarke’s options?” She asked taking her seat at her desk.

“Yes and no, I’d like to take this semester off, but there’s a prerequisite course that I have to take this semester for the landscape class I want to take next semester and it’s only available in the spring semester.”

“We want to coordinate our schedules around that one class this fall semester for after the baby comes,” Bellamy clarified.

“You have office hours for Wallace.”

“Yes, I need to work around them too.”

“Your dissertation?”

“I have nine months to work on it.”

“I’m going to stay at home with the baby, he’s going to have time to do everything he needs to do to finish his thesis.”

“And your senior project?”

“I have to talk to Sydney about it, but I should be able to get it done.”

“By April?”

“Yes.”

“With a baby?”

“Bellamy and I can do it. My mom and step-dad will help out if we need them to, we can handle it, it’s the timing of the birth and the few classes that I’ll have to miss that I’m concerned about. I have a hundred credits in three years, if this hadn’t have happened, I probably could have had the lightest course load in the spring, but I have to spread out the last twenty over them. I could take more than just this pre-rec, but I don’t want to push my luck.”

“Three courses this fall and whatever you need to make it to 120 in the spring,” Indra proposed. “Bellamy?”

“I think we can manage that, don’t you?”

Clarke nodded, “Thank you, Indra.”

“Come back he week before registration and I’ll let you sign up early.”

“Okay,” Bellamy smiled. “Thank you, again.”

* * *

“Do you need us to bring anything?” Abby asked over the phone and Clarke grimaced, she should really know better than to ask Clarke that. Clarke doesn’t and can’t cook.

“Um,” Clarke hit Bellamy’s arm as he walked ahead of her—longer legs—and he slowed, looking at her. “What can they bring?”

“Aside from wine?”

Clarke rolled her eyes.

“I don’t know, salad? The whole reason we’re here is to get everything for tonight. Are they allergic to anything?”

“Shellfish,” Clarke answered before putting her phone back to her ear. “Mom? Bellamy says salad and maybe a dessert if it’s not too much.”

“What are you craving?”

“Strawberry cheesecake,” Clarke said sheepishly and Bellamy glared back at her.

“Will do. We’ll see you at five.”

“Sounds good. Bye, Mom,” Clarke hung up and noticed the look Bellamy was watching her pointedly. “What?”

“You just put a key lime pie in the cart and you’re asking them to bring cheesecake?”

“I’m pregnant. I want the pie now and the cheesecake after dinner.”

“You can guess your cravings before they’re happening?”

“No, I’m craving both and didn’t want to seem so pregnant. Thanks for judging your son’s wants and needs.”

“I’m just thinking about all that sugar. That can’t be good for him.”

“It’s probably not, but that’s why you’re making that healthy lemon chicken for dinner, counter balance.”

“It’s not as healthy as you think it is. There’s supposed to be half the amount of potatoes that I throw in because you and O are obsessed.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, “Sure, blame us and our carb cravings instead of your own, I never heard you complain about eating the same number of potatoes as us.”

“That’s because you and O never listen to what I say when you’re together.”

“That’s… okay, that’s true, but you can’t exactly blame us for making fun of your paternal nature, you’re like everyone’s big brother.”

“So you’re saying us creating boy wonder was incest?”

“No. God, no! That’s a disturbing thought. What else do we need to get?”

“Uh, I think we’re—chicken stock. That’s aisle eight.”

“Is that it? I can go get that while you start checking out.”

“Sounds good.”

It wasn’t as though Clarke and Bellamy weren’t at odds and awkward around each other still, they were just really good at faking it. Clarke wasn’t proud of that, she wanted to be okay with Bellamy, she just didn’t know how to. They’ve done too much to each other for anything to truly mend anything. She might always love him, but she doesn’t know if she could forgive him.

* * *

“You guys did a great job! I love what you did to the nursery,” Abby cooed as they walked back to the kitchen where Bellamy and Kane were talking about Bellamy’s classes even though it’s summer.

“Thank you, Octavia and Raven helped me with that while Bellamy was working. They were also drinking so I had to go back and fix a lot but the majority was them.”

“It’s so cute. Have you guys thought of a name yet?”

“We’re deciding between a few,” Bellamy said handing Abby a glass of wine and Clarke silently groaned, wishing she could have some, she’s not pushing Bellamy on something so trivial.

“Could we hear them?” Kane asked, taking a sip of his beer.

Clarke looked to Bellamy and he shrugged.

“We each picked ten names last week and we went through crossing out eighteen of them before landing on these two, Colton Jacob Blake and Elijah Jacob Blake,” Clarke told them and Marcus and Abby looked at each other.

“They’re not what we expected,” Kane finally said.

Bellamy grimaced, “What were you expecting?”

“Something Greek and always involving Jacob, which you did, but we thought it would be the first name.”

“I told him I didn’t want a baby named oafter a Greek god or hero or something with Ancient Rome.”

“Elijah?”

“Book of Kings,” Bellamy smirked.

“Colton it is then,” Clarke grimaced at Bellamy’s smug face, like he won something, having his choice in baby names be the one chosen.

“Really?”

“I don’t want a historically heavy name. I want it to be somewhat new.”

“Well, Colton is derived from—“

“I will cut your tongue out of your throat if you don’t let me be blissfully ignorant,” Clarke glared, half wishing her eyes shot daggers, half remembering what that tongue of his could do… “I’m starving.”

“You had pie two hours ago.”

“Why are you doing this today?”

“What exactly am I doing?”

“You’re analyzing everything I eat and it’s annoying. Am I supposed to starve? Is your baby supposed to starve?”

“No, but I don’t want him coming out of the womb with diabetes, you wanted key lime pie and asked your mother to bring cheesecake, they’re both riddled with sugar! Can he handle it all?”

“It’s fine as long as it doesn’t happen everyday,” Clarke and Abby said together and looked at each other before looking back to Bellamy who just grimaced.

“I just don’t want him to be a sugar crazed, hyperactive child that can’t function without something sweet.”

“Bellamy, you do realize that we shop at Whole Foods and they don’t sell anything GMO, everything’s organic. Yes, I want Doritos and gummy worms but everything is fine in moderation.”

“And how do you moderate? You eat a suggested serving of Doritos and keep going. It’s who you are.”

“Can we not do this _now?_ ” Clarke grimaced, glancing over at Abby and Kane.

She didn’t want to do this in front of them, but it’s the most they’ve actually discussed anything other than decor even though they were still arguing and Bellamy was micromanaging her food intake. He’s showing that he cares, and it wasn’t that Clarke didn’t believe that he didn’t, she knew he did, it was nice to have proof though.

They changed the subject and the rest of the night went smoothly. Clarke was in heaven when they brought the cheesecake out and she devoured two slices, ignoring Bellamy’s glare. He can’t have it both ways, he can’t obsess over her eating habits then pass her the cheesecake to cut another slice. He can’t complain and enable.

“We love you,” Abby said, hugging Clarke goodbye.

“I love you too, Mom,” she smiled before hugging Marcus. “Thank you, Marcus,” she smiled.

“We’re always here for you, a phone call or a car ride, whatever you need. Both of you,” he offered, looking to Bellamy.

“Thank you, sir. I’ll see you Monday for the update?”

“That’s correct,” Kane smile fondly and the couple left, Bellamy closing the door behind them.

“Clarke,” he said after a moment of them standing there.

“No, Bellamy. Whatever it is that you’re going to say about what I’m doing wrong in this pregnancy is wrong. I’ve been carrying him for thirty weeks, twenty-eight of which without you or your help so please stop acting like you know better than I do.”

Bellamy huffed and walked into the kitchen and began loading the dishwasher.

“What?” Clarke exclaimed following him and groaning at the kick Colton assaulted her rib with.

“Your point isn’t even a valid point, you’re the one that kept him from me for six months and you’re not letting me be a part of it now that I know. What am I supposed to do for _our_ son, Clarke?”

“I—I don’t know, Bellamy. How are you so okay with this? You shouldn’t be okay with this but the first thing you do is get an apartment for us. How isn’t this a mistake for you?”

“You think he’s a mistake?”

“I think us having sex and ruining our friendship was a mistake. I’m going to love Colton no matter what, how can you if you’ve told everyone that we were a mistake?”

“I didn’t do that. I didn’t tell anyone what happened that night. I was still pissed at you and sure, maybe that wasn’t how I should have taken it out on you but Clarke, we’re going to have a son regardless of how he was brought into the world. Do you really want to dwell on the logistics instead of focusing on bringing him into a healthy environment?”

“ _This_ isn’t healthy, Bellamy,” she gestured between them. “We were finally friends and then… I hurt you, I get that, and I can’t apologize enough to ever make up for everything I’ve done over the last year to you, but acting like everything is okay, when it’s clearly not, isn’t healthy for either of us.”

“You still think I’m angry about you going to Italy? I couldn’t care less about Italy, I’m angry that you didn’t think I should know about our son. That’s what hurts, Clarke.”

“I was going to tell you, I just didn’t know how. What would you have done if I called you from Naples and told you? How would that have been fair to you knowing that you’re going to be a father and not being able to do anything because you’re half a world away?”

“I would have at least known and would have had something set up and we could have had an actual plan for custody or actually talk about what happened that night.”

“We had sex, what’s there to talk about?”

“Why did you let it go that far?”

“I felt left out, all our friends had sex with you and I hadn’t so why the hell not, right?”

“God, you’re an asshole. I’m trying to actually talk to you, Clarke. Why the hell are you pushing me away?”

“Why do you care about how it happened? We were drunk? Our inhibitions be damned and the moment took over, right? You were pissed and I was pushing you like I always do and you wanted to shut me up and you did. You succeeded and neither of us stopped it when we should have because it either felt good or—“

“You’re an asshole. I’m staying at Miller’s for the night. I can’t deal with this,” he grumbled and walked down the hall to his room and came out a minute later with a backpack, Clarke had to assume was full of clothes. “Call me when you’re done belittling our friendship.”

* * *

“Bellamy’s saying he moved out,” Octavia said the second Clarke answered her phone, not even a hello.

“He walked out,” Clarke said, not exactly sure what was going on. She can’t just tell him that she wanted to be in a relationship with him, did she? She was angry about that night for so long she doesn’t know what she really wanted out of it after so much time. Not that it matters anymore.

“So what the hell happened?”

“We fight over everything.”

“I thought you two moved past all that.”

“A baby changes everything.”

“Didn’t help that you kept it a secret for two trimesters.”

“I didn’t know how to tell him and it wasn’t like we were talking before I left either.”

“Clarke, I know it’s not my business, but he will do anything for you and that was long before this baby came into the picture. You need to talk to him, lay it all out there and not be defensive. Listen to what he says too. I know how the two of you get, you’re horrible a communication and will say anything but what you actually want to say in case the other doesn’t feel the same way, but just say it. Neither of you are cowards.”

“Octavia—“

“No. You’re bringing a child into this world, you can’t be at odds with its father especially when you’re in love with him and refuse to tell him such.”

“I—“

“Don’t bother denying it, I can see it in your eyes, I’ve been around enough girls in love with Bellamy Blake to be able to tell within a second. Just get it together.”

Clarke nodded. “I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was a little aggressive in my note above. I ate chocolate...


	7. Bad at Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy comes home  
> Thirty-four weeks pregnant (though not mentioned exactly)  
> Clarke takes Raven's advice  
> School starts  
> FLASHBACKS are back: Clarke and Octavia's Prom  
> Wells Teaser

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Realizing my true sexuality has made this week difficult as all hell. I'd be a great mom but that's probably never going to happen now that I know that I'm aromantic and demiromantic and some level of asexual... I'm still figuring out, but I do know i'm not the heterosexual I thought I was.

Clarke didn’t get it together and it was three more weeks before Bellamy moved back into the apartment and they didn’t talk. Miller texted saying he was over Bellamy’s mood and was sending him home so Clarke was prepared for that when she came home that day and Bellamy had dinner made, a place set for her at the table and his was half eaten and he was taking another bite.

“Hey,” she said, putting her purse down and kicked her flip flops off. “You made tacos?”

“You don’t have to eat them.” He didn’t even look at her.

“Bellamy,” she sighed. “I’m sorry. I really am, but why do you want to talk about it so badly? What more is there to say?”

“You know what, Clarke? You’re right. There’s nothing left to say so why don’t we just live like we’re roommates and when Colton comes we co-parent like I planned on us doing. Have a schedule for everything and not talk to each other. Sound good to you? Because that sounds fucking great to me!” he stood, his chair falling backwards, Clarke jumped at the noise, and Bellamy carried his plate down the hall to his room and slammed the door.

Clarke pulled her phone out of her pocket and texted Raven.

Clarke: Are you with Roan tonight?

Raven: No, dinner?

Clarke: I’m going to eat what Bellamy made but I need to talk to someone

Raven: Dripshop 30 mins?

Clarke: Perfect.

* * *

“Why won’t you just talk to him about it then?” Raven asked after Clarke explained almost everything to her.

“You love Roan, right?” Raven nodded. “Imagine seeing pure hatred in his eyes instead of love when you’re having sex and on top of that, he was fucking you as though you were anybody in the world because he didn’t see _you_.”

“So firstly, you’re finally admitting that you love Bellamy. And secondly, you’re saying he fucked you like some random street whore?” she asked, getting a well-deserved look from an older woman who happened to have been passing by at that moment.

“I’m saying that it was great when I didn’t look in his eyes, but once I did, I couldn’t get that look out of my head and that’s what I see when I’m around him now and it sucks because we’re living together and having this baby.”

“What would you say to him if you weren’t pregnant?”

“I’d want time to figure out how to talk to him, how to be friends again.”

“And you would have had the six months in Italy and France where you weren’t freaking out about having a baby to figure that out. You came back seven weeks ago and… avoided him?”

“I definitely wouldn’t volunteer for one on one time or spend more than two minutes with him. I mean, how was he with you?”

“That’s different, I was using him. I didn’t exactly care about the look in his eyes or literally anything other than getting back at Finn which at the time was stupid, I thought he’d hear that I was with someone else and he’d want me back but I didn’t realize that the love between us was familiar after so long. I want unadulterated love and I don’t have that with Roan either but what I have with him is better than what I had with Finn.”

“So if Roan asked you to marry him tomorrow, you’ll say no?”

“Yes, but I wouldn’t break up with him. I love him but I think there’s someone who will fit me better. Everyone looks at you and Bellamy and wonders why you aren’t married with twelve kids by now. You have one coming but you say that was hate sex.”

“And we’re not together,” Clarke grimaced wondering if her decaf coffee was cool enough to drink yet.

“Right, so what are you going to say to him because right now this is toxic for the baby.”

“Colton.”

“What?”

“We’re naming him Colton. Colton Jacob Blake.”

“Why Colton?”

“We each came up with ten names and went through the list until it was Colton and Elijah and I didn’t want a historically heavy name and I’d forgotten that Elijah was Old Testament heavy so Colton, which I love too and it’s from the nineteenth century so it’s not that heavy of a name and it’s not too popular either.”

“I like it, I just didn’t think you two would go with something like that.”

“I know and I’m being spiteful, I don’t want to give Bellamy what he wants, he wants Augustus, I won’t do that to my kid, maybe another name but not Augustus.”

“Theseus, Hyperion, Lysander, oh! Stavros!” Raven joked and Clarke laughed. “Definitely not!”

“Those are pretty bad. Roan and I watched Immortals the other night so,” she shrugged because it explained the names. She took a sip of her coffee before realizing Clarke didn’t answer her question.

“I tried to start a truce but he’s still angry and I don’t know what he wants from me.”

“Jesus, Clarke, he just wants you to talk to him and you’re shutting him out with truces and avoiding telling him what happened that night. You were the sober person that night, though I don’t know why, but you were and he deserves to know what’s going on on your end of this.”

“How am I supposed to tell him that I saw hatred in his eyes without hurting him?”

“See, you care about him so much that you don’t want to tell him how he hurt you. You two are at the point where telling him is your only option to fix what little relationship you have left.”

“And if I don’t tell him, I can just move in with my mom and Marcus and Bellamy can have Colton every other week,” she said loosing momentum as she talked because she really didn’t want that and she was so fucking obvious about it.

“Jesus, you talk and talk but don’t listen. _Listen_ , Clarke. Talk. To. Him. Or. I. Will.”

“That’s blackmail.”

“That’s fucking reality. Do you really think I want to get in the middle of you two? I don’t. You’re going to force my hand and you know he’s going to be in denial because it’s not coming directly from you. Fuck it, write him a letter, just do something.”

* * *

_Bellamy,_

_Okay, I honestly thought this was going to be easy, write a letter bearing my soul to you, tell you everything I feel on my end of things, but maybe I’ve been fooling myself for so long that I don’t even know how I feel anymore aside from anger._

_I’m angry and I think I know why but I also feel like it’s a cop out. I mean, you were pissed and drunk, I shouldn’t have pushed but I was slightly drunk and there was always something between us and I was drunk enough to see what without thinking about you not being on the same page. But maybe there was a part of me that thought you’d see my boobs and sober up enough to make it what it should have been. I realize now that that isn’t how alcohol and brain chemistry work. Again, I wasn’t fully sober either._

_Frankly, I think I was in love with you and maybe I still am and maybe that’s why I’m so angry. I think it’s been since prom, or maybe that’s when it started, realizing that there might be something more between us than friendship. I mean, we succeeded, we went into it with the goal of having people remember me as not only the know-it-all valedictorian, but the girl that brought the college guy to prom, O’s hot older brother, but what they didn’t know was that you’re an even bigger nerd than I was. I think it had something to do with that too, being able to actually talk about what was really going on in the world with you instead of just what Miley Cyrus was doing that week._

_I’ve spent the last seven months trying to forget what happened that night because whenever I thought about us having sex, it was with feelings involved, good feelings, happy feelings. Love, hopefully. So when it happened and that wasn’t the feeling that you were giving off, it hurt. It hurt more than I was willing to admit while I was getting on the airplane to Paris. I was going to Paris twelve hours after finally having sex with the man I loved and he didn’t love me back. He didn’t_ see _me. So I tried not thinking about it and the less I thought about it the more the anger built up and I couldn’t just talk to you about it. You were four thousand miles away and every time I thought about you, I wanted to punch something because I thought that on top of everything, that night ruined us in every way. How you looked at me, how we dealt with everything, how I left without a word. How you let me._

_There was a time where I thought you would call, that you would possibly apologize, say that you want to be friends and forget that it happened, and I could have, if you did, but it never happened and I kept thinking about that look in your eyes, how you didn’t see me and how it’s been too long to talk about and I just can’t._

_Colton is due in three weeks and I want you to be there, I want to hold your hand while I push and remind everyone that he’s a newborn and not to overwhelm him, because I know you’re going to be a good dad. You’ve had years of practice with Octavia, which wasn’t fair to you, but it’s the truth, you were the closest she had to a father and it’s why your relationship is so strained and confusing, neither of you know how to be a sibling because you never acted like siblings until she was eighteen._

_I keep getting sidetracked because I don’t want to say it, I don’t want to hurt you with the words because they’re harsh and just remembering it while avoiding it hurts me. There’s just no easy way to say it, no way to dip your toe in the water, just diving right in so I’m biting the bullet and mixing metaphors._

_There was hatred in your eyes. You were fucking me and I looked up into your eyes and you were looking at me but you weren’t seeing me or anything, just hard empty stones where your emotion filled eyes used to be. I kept justifying it to myself, you were pissed and drunk and that combination is never good with you when it’s directed at someone specific. I knew that and I still didn’t stop us before it happened, justifying that with wanting you so badly for years._

_Maybe I should have told you that, that I loved you. I don’t know when but sooner. Before I left, before I even knew I could leave, the three years since prom. I think maybe there were a few times, but I… not knowing your side made it harder. Impossible actually. It’s the double edged sword of cowardice and bravery._

_That night will simultaneously be the best and worst night of my life. That’s on both of us. I hope we can do this, we can raise Colton together and make it work with him. There’s something about us, right?_

_Anyway, that’s my side, where I’m at and maybe it’s not fair to you, telling you this way, but you’re not here, you’re… I actually don’t know where you are so writing this was… not easy, exactly but easier than talking to your face and getting that flash of hatred from that night. It’s not like I want to remember it all the time and I don’t. It’s when we argue and when we don’t talk. The more I try to suppress it, the more it appears, I need time, I don’t know how long and maybe if I didn’t leave, it wouldn’t have happened, but I had to go, Bellamy._

_Love,_

_Clarke_

_P.S. I’m sorry I missed your birthday._

* * *

Clarke walked into her first of two classes, glad that she was able to get them on the same day instead of different days. Dante Wallace was already in the room, writing on the whiteboard, the projects they have to do that coincide with each syllabus lesson.

“Miss Griffin, I spoke to Dean Indra and we can talk about the projects after class to work on a schedule, you were always early handing in your work your first semester and your other class is Professor Vie so there shouldn’t be a problem, does he know?”

“Not yet, it was your class I was more concerned about your class because it’s a prerec for the landscapes next semester. And art history isn’t as challenging to me than actually creating the art.”

“That’s only half this class.”

“I’m aware.”

“So would you like me to switch your schedule around so you do all the art projects first and worry about the papers after your child is born?”

“I would like to do as much as possible, if I can get all the paintings done and start on the papers, would you be okay with that?”

“We can try that, but time wise, I think you’ll have at least one or two that won’t be finished but as long as they’re handed in by the time they’re due, you’re fine. I know you’re a hard working student, and whether this was planned or not, I know you can make it through the year and graduate on time.”

“That’s what I’m hoping to accomplish,” Clarke agreed and Professor Wallace dismissed her to her seat and by the end of the class Clarke had an idea for each project in her head, hoping to be able to do sone rough sketches during Professor Vie’s class.

“Miss Griffin,” he asked after class.

“Professor Vie, how was your summer?”

“Good. Thank you, what’s your game plan here?”

“I thought I’d talk to you during your office hours later.”

“I’m available right now.”

Clarke nodded, she knew Professor Vie was nothing like his daughter, so Clarke couldn’t wait and compose herself and go to him during his office hours. He wants to talk now and with him it’s now or never. “I’m due at the end of September and I’m keeping it though I don’t plan on having it impede my class work.”

“Maya told me. Do you have a plan to get the notes you miss along with handing in papers on time while you’re unable to make it into class.”

“I’m friends with your daughter who’s in this class as well and I can email you my papers along with anything else you require.”

“The midterm?”

“The father or my mother can watch him.”

“It’s a boy?”

“Yes?”

“Congratulations. Yo seem to have it all figured out but just remember I don’t accept late papers.”

Clarke nodded, “Of course. Have a good day, Professor Vie.”

She walked out and Maya was standing at the door. “He’s a hard ass.”

Clarke smirked, “No, I appreciate it, you know, just because this happened doesn’t mean I should feel entitled to an extension. Wallace has known me since freshman year, he’s always been accommodating so your father is a nice change of finality.”

“If you say so,” she smirked.

“I do,” she smiled. “Say hi to Jasper for me?”

“Of course. You going to talk to Bellamy?”

“I doubt it.”

Maya nodded and headed towards her next class while Clarke crossed campus to her apartment… Bellamy’s apartment.

* * *

_“You okay?” Bellamy asked, sitting on the truck bed._

_Clarke sighed, taking a pull of the beer she stole from him. She didn’t know what to say to him, how to bring it up because it’s stupid, childish. Who really gives a shit about prom? It’s not important in the scheme of things._

_“Clarke, you don’t drink like this.”_

_“It’s stupid.”_

_“What’s stupid?”_

_“I don’t have a date to prom.”_

_“What happened to Wells?”_

_“Wells has a crush on me and I don’t feel that way towards him, we can’t go together.”_

_“He’ll think there’s more to it,” Bellamy nodded. “So what are you going to do?”_

_“I—I’m the virgin valedictorian, school was more important to me. I don’t care what they think, but I also want them—“_

_“To remember you as more.”_

_“It’s stupid, I know.”_

_“It’s not stupid, but I’ve been in your place before. I wasn’t valedictorian, but I left a legacy, but I also know that none of them will think about you after graduation. You have O and Wells and they’re all that will matter in college. This prom won’t even be in the yearbook.”_

_“They’ll still remember.”_

_“I’ll go with you.”_

_“What? Bellamy—“_

_“Oh, come on, Clarke, bringing a college guy to prom, they won’t think you’re a virgin or that you’ve never been kissed—“_

_“Lexa, and they’re thinking dick in vagina virginity because they’re fucking hetero-normative idiots,” she grumbled, finishing the beer._

_“It’s in two weeks, right? That’s just after my finals, it’s timed perfectly and really don’t mind.”_

_“What about your internship?”_

_“Starts the week after. Clarke, do you need me to properly ask you? Do an over the top promposal like Ilian and O?”_

_Clarke rolled her eyes, “No, just pass me another beer if you’re one hundred percent certain of this, you can’t back out.”_

_“I would never!” he smiled, reaching into the cooler behind him and popped off the cap before giving it to her. “I’m driving you home tonight.”_

_“Obviously.” She picked the edge of the wrapper on the new beer, “Thank you, Bell.”_

_“You’re kind of my favorite friend of O’s so,” he nudged her shoulder, making her sway and she came back to sway into him back but rested her head on his shoulder instead._

_“You’re my favorite brother of O’s.”_

_“He said what?” Octavia grimaced changing into her pajamas an hour later back at the Blake residence._

_“’Promposal’, it was a riot. You really should have seen his face, a mix of horror and elation. It was a sight to see,” Clarke smirked, settling in on the bed._

_“But he’s taking you to prom, my prom—our prom?”_

_“I promise to keep him away from you, he’s a distraction from Wells,” she grimaced, checking her Facebook, there’s a photo of her and Bellamy sitting on his truck bed that Monroe posted, refusing to like the picture. What do college guys see when a girl likes a picture of them together?_

_“And a ploy to seem less virginal?” O asked, pulling her out of the Facebook rabbit hole before she delved in deeper._

_“Okay, maybe that too, but it was his idea. I didn’t ask him to do this, he volunteered and I didn’t want to say no, he’s being the good mom friend and I get a good prom date.”_

_O pulled the covers down and climbed in, grabbing her phone off the nightstand. “So this is mutually beneficial, my twenty-one year old brother going to a high school prom.”_

_“He might be too old,” Clarke shrugged, settling down next to O, plugging her phone to the charger, she rarely uses her phone, unlike O who was opening Snapchat._

_“Yeah, but the second Cartwig realizes that he’s my overprotective idiot brother, she’s going to be okay with it because he’s going to prevent us from gaining access to alcohol, knows all the secrets better than the teachers do after so long.”_

_“So this is going to dampen prom a little for you, huh?”_

_“No, I’m just going to sneak it in my clutch, Bellamy’s going to be so preoccupied with Ilian that he won’t even think that I’d be the one to bring the alcohol.”_

_“You do know that he’s you’re brother and isn’t a complete idiot when it comes to you, right?”_

_“You’re not going to tell him and I’m not going to look that innocent so he’ll be complaining about my dress more than thinking about the contraband that I’m wielding.”_

_Clarke scoffed, like Bellamy would let her out of the house without searching her bag and making sure she was covered up, maybe Clarke should have gotten a different dress._

_“I’m exhausted, what movie do you want?”_

_“What’s in the DVD player?”_

_“Lilo and Stitch.”_

_“What?”_

_“I was in a mood.”_

_Clarke shrugged, “Okay.”_

* * *

“Wells!” Clarke woke with a start, shooting straight up as her heart raced and she was trying to catch her breath. She hadn’t dreamt about him in nearly a year, she couldn’t believe that there was a time where she couldn’t get through a week without dreaming of him and it’s almost been a year since the last one.

Colton was kicking like crazy and Clarke knew she couldn’t go back to sleep with him like this, though she knows it’s her fault, he’s reacting to her dream and he’s never going to know his Uncle Wells.

She stood and went out to the kitchen for a glass of water, not wanting to do the one thing that will pull her back to sleep.

Downing the glass of water she dropped it in the sink and stormed down the hall to the closed door at the end, her hand hovering over the handle.

“Fuck,” she murmured softly before turning the handle and tiptoed over to the empty side of the bed.

She hated having to do it but she climbed in slowly and if she didn’t…

“Clarke?”

She froze which was stupid, he knows and he’s the lightest sleeper in the world. “Wells,” she told him and she could feel him thinking.

“Okay, come here.”

She laid down, backing into him and he wrapped his arms around her.

“He didn’t deserve it,” he reminded her softly, his thumb stroking her stomach, calming Colton and Clarke drifted back to sleep with one thought on her mind, _neither do you._

 


	8. Don't You Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original title >>> This is Why We Don't Make Plans <<< but I've been naming the chapters after songs or lyrics so... Adele.  
> Ignorance is NOT bliss  
> New character... (slight mockery of the show)  
> FLASKBACK (God, I wish): What happened to Wells  
> The Ladies have a coffee date and Octavia finds out some things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was somewhat planned. There's a plan in place, I know where I want this to wind up and it's painfully slow in closing in on what I already have written so that's exciting and nerve wracking.

She planned on giving him the letter, really, she did but then she woke up alone and they didn’t talk about it. They didn’t talk about anything, barely even school. It made Clarke begin to wonder what they were even doing, if living together for the sake of Colton was the best thing anymore because not talking felt more toxic than them arguing.

The house was so quiet that Clarke would rather fight with Bellamy than sit in silence. It was deafening and, the occasional clacking of his laptop keys through his bedroom door wasn’t enough to keep her from going mad.

“What is wrong with you?” she finally cracked, storming into his room, he laid on his bed with The Iliad in his hands.

He didn’t look at her, seemingly continuing his book, “I’m not the one storming into people’s bedrooms, that’s you.”

“You haven’t spoken a word in this house in three weeks! I ask you about dinner and I don’t get a response and the food I order for you goes uneaten. What is wrong?”

He closed the book and sat up straight, looking her in the eyes. “You, Clarke. You’re what’s wrong. You can’t sleep so you come in my room, you have a nightmare and you’re here again but the moment I show you that I care, you run. You need me to sleep on rough nights when you dream of your father and Wells, I’m here but the days after you’re closed off and distant. I’m just the father of your child, we’re nothing to each other, or so that’s what you’re putting off.”

Clarke opened her mouth but she didn’t know what to say, he’s the one that’s never there in the mornings when she wakes up, he’s the one that’s pushing her away and yet she feels like he’s telling the truth also. They’re walking on eggshells when it comes to each other and Clarke didn’t know what to tell him so she turned and walked out of his room and into hers.

“What are you doing, Clarke?” He asked and she realized she had her suitcase out and her clothes were haphazardly thrown into it.

“I’m going to my mother’s.”

“This is what you do, you run away. First it was Italy and now to your mom. Well, fine! Get out! At least have the decency to tell me when my son’s born.”

Clarke’s eyes prickled with tears as she shut her suitcase. “You did this, Bellamy. All of this is because of you, stop blaming other people for your mess,” she cried, pushing past him and grabbed her car keys before slamming the door behind her.

She shouldn’t drive, that much she knew. Her eyes pooled with tears, she couldn’t see anything, so when the voice on the other end of the phone answered, she was surprised but it was also welcomed.

“Can you come get me?”

“Where are you?”

“My apartment.”

“I’ll be there in ten.”

Ten minutes later the beaten up red truck pulled in front of the building and Clarke threw her suitcase in the cab and hopped in.

“Where to, princess?”

“Anywhere,” she said, taking the napkin from his hand and wiped her eyes. “And don’t call me that.”

They drove for thirty minutes until the car pulled into a parking lot adjacent to a beach.

“I don’t want to be here,” she whispered, her voice gravelly from all the crying, her tears long gone.

“Too bad, we’re not leaving until you tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m in love with Bellamy.”

“Duh. Why are you crying over it?”

“Because this,” she pointed to her pregnant stomach. “Doesn’t make that easy.”

“I thought the baby was his.”

“It is. I just… I told you what happened and I had no idea that it would be like this when I came back, that I couldn’t look at him without remembering the hatred in his eyes. I don’t know how to stop it.”

“Have you told him?”

“I can’t, it’ll make it worse.”

“Worse than not talking?”

“Riley…”

“I’m serious, Clarke. You haven’t spoke to me since high school and we ran into each other in Florence, would you have called me today if you cold talk to anyone else about this, someone who’s completely on your side?”

“You’re completely on my side?”

“I’m certainly not on Bellamy’s.”

“He’s a great guy, Riles, we’re just… we’re bad at communicating.”

“You’re in love with him and you’re pregnant with his son, aside from being incapable of telling him about the look in his eyes, what’s stopping you from talking to him?”

Clarke grimaced, looking out over the water, at the family on the sand packing up for the night, the sky darkening too quickly over the water, making Clarke miss summers in Monterey when she was a kid visiting her grandparents.

“It’s like there’s a brick wall between us. No matter what we say there’s always going to be those months apart.”

“All you talked about was him, I know he’s the father of your unborn child and the love of your life but you were pissed at him and he was still all you talked about.”

“What does that say about me exactly?”

“I’m not going to pretend that I’ve ever been in love or that there’s something that there’s a lesser equivalent that I’ve felt because I’m pretty sure that I’m ace, so that’s not happening, but I’ve witnessed you two together before all this, before anything bad happened in your lives. It always looked like a big brother scenario from an outside perspective because you were Octavia’s best friend first, but being around when the two of you interacted, it was always more than a sibling thing, there was a sexual tension which threw you two into inane arguments when we all knew you were fighting just to fight. Every time everyone hung out at a party or whatever and Bellamy was bringing the alcohol, the rapport between you two had changed in some way, deepening and flourishing but never getting to where everyone thought you were going.”

“Where did they think we were going?”

“A relationship, or maybe they thought you were going to light up in a fiery explosion and never speak to each other again, because that’s essentially what’s going on right now except you’re always going to be in each other’s life now. You really have no choice with a kid.”

“God, why did I call you? You’re not helpful at all.”

“You love him, Clarke, you called me to remind you of that. I may not be a staple in your life but I’ve witnessed the start of you two so I know how you two are. You’re in a rough patch and you will do whatever it is you have to do to get out of it when you’re ready.”

“I wrote him a letter, I just don’t know how to give it to him, if I can even give it to him.”

“You should, it’s more unnecessary stress that the baby doesn’t need.”

“Colton Jacob Blake.”

Riley smiled, “Where the hell did you get Colton?”

“Bellamy and I came up with a list of twenty and that won out. We could agree on names and nothing else. It’s a good name, right?”

Riley nodded, “It’s a great name.”

“Why do I feel like there’s something I’m missing right now?”

“Maybe he realized your car’s still there.”

Clarke pulled her phone out of her pocket, she put it on silent after hanging up with Riley to pick her up. A half dozen calls and texts from everyone and her mother was calling.

“Hi, Mom,” she answered, looking to Riley momentarily.

“Oh, thank God! Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I’m with Riley.”

“Riley?”

“From high school.”

“I know who he is, why did you call him?”

“Because he knows and I didn’t want anyone’s influence in my life decisions, just someone to talk to.”

“But you’re safe?”

“Yes.”

“Call Bellamy and let him know. He’s worried sick and didn’t mean what he said.”

“No, he meant it, we’re good at hurting each other, Mom.”

“Fine, but he regrets saying it.”

“I can’t live there, Mom. I can’t pretend to be something I’m not for him and that’s what’s going on. I can’t do it anymore.”

“So where are you going to go?”

“I was thinking with you for a little bit. Maybe it’ll be different—better—with Colton around, I don’t know, but I can’t be there for a while. This fight was bad.”

“One week but then you go back and you can’t keep using us as an escape. You wanted to keep Colton, you knew the repercussions of that decision.”

Clarke grimaced, they already had this conversation when Clarke told Abby she was pregnant, she didn’t need a reminder. “I know, Mom. We just don’t know what to do with each other and it sucks but we can’t force camaraderie and co-parenting after six months of nothing. I know that’s my fault but I didn’t know what to say to him, okay?”

“There were so many things you could have said and you chose not to. You did this to yourself.”

“I love you too, Mom,” she said sarcastically. “I have to go. I’ll see you in three hours.”

“Three hours?”

“We’re at the beach and I’m starving.”

“Okay, be safe.”

“We will. Love you.”

“Love you too sweetie,” Abby said and hung up.

Clarke turned to Riley who was already looking at her. “Food?” he asked.

Pointing at her stomach, “I’ve been in a constant state of hunger for seven months.”

When they got back to her car, Bellamy was standing there waiting for her.

“Clarke—“ he said and shut up when he saw that she was with Riley, pulling her suitcase out of the back of the truck for her. She’s not supposed to lift anything heavy.

She said goodbye to Riley, giving him the out he’d want because Bellamy’s overprotective of what’s his and Riley being the one to console Clarke could threaten him and cause a sudden outburst of uncontrollable anger. “You’re sorry?” she guessed. “Maybe I’d believe you if you were ever in your bed when I wake up there.”

“That’s…” she couldn’t read his face and that’s all she’s ever been able to do, he wears his heart on his sleeve but she doesn’t know what that expression meant, does she know him at all?

“Exactly, Bellamy, you don’t even know how to show that you care. I dreamt my best friend died again and I needed you, I’ve never woken up with you and you don’t see how hurtful that is when you came just shy of begging to be with me when I came home. I wanted ten minutes where we could have been curled up together and you asked if I wanted to talk about it and I would have said no and asked you how work was going and your thesis and assisting Professor Pike. Ten minutes of you letting me avoid my nightmare before I finally caved and told you what made this one worse than the others and you couldn’t even give me that.”

“I didn’t know that was what you needed.”

“You did, you know me, we’ve woken up on the sofa before because it’s so small and you know that I pull you back down to talk about the inane little things that fleetingly matter. That part of me doesn’t change because we’re more comfortable in an actual bed.”

“That’s not—“

“Morning wood? I was pre-med for a year and a half, it’s a natural biological occurrence in males of all ages. It would have nothing to do with me.”

“You have it all figured out, huh? Every angle of this conversation, everything I could counter with, you’d have something to cancel it out already prepared. You’re so calculating and I used to think that was a good thing, having a friend that had all the bases covered like I did but Clarke, sometimes emotions are confusing and overwhelming and sometimes guys just want simple. Waking up with you in my bed and a raging hard on, all I want to do is make my problem your problem, deal with it together but you can’t even look at me. Seriously, you’re looking over my shoulder as I’m talking to you right now, so what good would that do?”

“I’m going to my mom’s, like I said earlier. I don’t know when I’ll be back but if I go into labor I’ll call you, okay?”

Bellamy caged her in against the car door. “What would you have done?” He asked, his face so close to hers that she wanted to pull away while craving his lips more than usual.

“Depends on what it’d meant.”

Bellamy scoffed, “Exactly.” He stepped back. “Tell Abby and Marcus I say hello."

* * *

_“Wells, come on! Don’t do this, you don’t have to prove anything to them!” Clarke yelled, knowing something was going to go horribly wrong. She tried shrugging off Dax but he just gripped her shoulders tighter and she wanted to punch him. She will if anything happens to Wells._

_“Oh, come on, Princess, he’ll be fine,” Mbege sneered before egging Wells on more._

_“Wells,” Clarke cried again and he looked back at her, since when did he care about what anyone thought? Why is he doing this, it’s not like they’ll suddenly be his friends if he does this._

_“Clarke,” she heard behind her and Bellamy stepped out from behind the small cluster of bushes. “You’re not his keeper.”_

_“Bellamy—“_

_“I get it, Princess, it’s like O. I can’t tell her what to do anymore, not that she listened to me really. You need to let him make his own decisions.” He looked like he didn’t have a care in the world, and he was good at looking like that, like a man who’d already taken enough blows to brave through a few more. He was good at looking careless and reckless. What was he doing out here?_

_“There are gigantic rocks that will kill him, Bellamy.”_

_“I doubt he’s going to die, maybe break his leg,” he shrugged like it was nothing._

_“You know better than this, Bellamy, why are you feeding into them?”_

_“Why are you trying to control his life?”_

_“When it’s a stupid decision like this, he needs someone to talk some reason into him! This isn’t who he is, he’s never cared about what they thought about him until now. He’s going to college in three weeks and they’re not going to matter when he’s a senator!”_

_“She’s right,” Wells said behind her and she turned around and he was right there, far enough away from the cliff’s edge for her to breathe normally._

_She hugged him tightly, “You’re damn right I am!”_

_“Except that I don’t want to be a senator. Just a poor civil rights lawyer, fighting the system.”_

_Clarke nodded, stepping back from him. There was something about being in the same space as Wells and Bellamy that set her on edge, made her aware of something she didn’t know the name of. “You definitely shouldn’t jump off a cliff before you get the chance to do that,” she smiled, trying to keep it light, like everything was okay._

_“Let’s go home, who were we kidding trying to hike anyway?”_

_Clarke laughed and looked back at Bellamy over her shoulder._

_“Later, Princess.”_

_Clarke and Wells walked back to the beginning of the trail where they parked his car and Bellamy appeared seemingly out of nowhere again._

_“Princess,” he said and it was softer than how he used the nickname before but it still had a bite to it. “O gets off at six and wanted to have a sleepover, invite Harper and Monroe. Figured I’d let you know since there’s no service out here.”_

_“What time is it?”_

_“Five forty-five.”_

_“Wells—“_

_“Go. I’m sick of your face as it is, I won’t forget it in the few months I’m gone.”_

_Clarke nodded and looked back to Bellamy. “You heading home?”_

_“Who else is going to make sure you two don’t starve?”_

_Clarke nodded and grabbed her bag from Wells’ car. “I’ll see you tomorrow? You can’t leave without saying goodbye to me.”_

_“You’re acting as though going to visit my mom before heading off to college is the end of the world.”_

_“You’re going to Chi-raq. That guarantees something bad happening and then New York, the city that never sleeps!”_

_“I’m going to be fine, worry wart. I’ll see you before I leave tomorrow.”_

_Clarke hugged him quickly, knowing that Bellamy was in a hurry to get back to town to pick up Octavia so she ran from Wells’ BMW to Bellamy’s beat up blue Jeep Wrangler with the top and doors off, strapping in before he even started the car._

_“You wouldn’t go to prom with him but you care about him jumping off a cliff because Mbege and Dax aren’t worth the time of day?” he asked after whipping out of the parking lot so there was no chance Wells heard._

_“They followed you when you were in high school and all y’all were councilors at the town camp but they’re going to be stuck here their whole lives and we’re better than that.”_

_“You realize we’re all going to Ark U, you could have gone off to Harvard, Princeton, or Yale, but you’re slumming it. Why?”_

_“I like Ark and it’s the same education, just reasonably priced. You trying to get rid of me, Blake?”_

_“Just reminding you that there’s a bigger world out there for you.”_

_“I appreciate that, but I don’t need to see the world.”_

_Bellamy scoffed, “Whatever you say, Princess.”_

_It was an hour later in the middle of the grocery store watching the Blake siblings argue about name brand and generic cookie dough when Clarke got the call and her whole world blurred and froze for the second time in two years._

_“Clarke?” Octavia’s voice was distant, muffled, and Clarke’s chest so heavy it were as though an elephant was sitting on her._

_“Clarke. CLARKE!” Bellamy’s voice barely cut through._

_“Wells,” her voice was so quiet, so hoarse already that she didn’t recognize it as her own._

_“Fuck. Is he at the hospital?”_

_She shook her head and tried to say the words but her throat was closing up and she couldn’t deal with this again, she isn’t even over her father and now she has to lose Wells too, how is this fair? He had a real plan, a real goal in life to help people, save them and he’s… and she’s still here, why wasn’t it her when she doesn’t have a plan of her own, not wanting to follow in her mother’s surgical shoes. Who’s Clarke going to help?_

_“We were with him an hour ago.”_

_Bellamy pulled her to his chest and Clarke barely saw Octavia putting her choice of cookie dough in the cart. “I know, I’m sorry. What do you want to do?”_

_“I—I should go to Thelonious, Wells was all he had. He… I should have been there!”_

_“No, Clarke, if you were there, you could be…”_

_“I should be! I wasn’t with my dad! I… I should have been with Wells! You…”_

_“Clarke, I get it, okay? I still blame myself for my mom, but you had nothing to do with this accident.”_

_“He’s_ so good _, he was going to fight for people. He was going to make something of himself! I—I want to paint.”_

_“So make people feel something with your art, you already have, just keep doing it. This is not on you.”_

_“I want to see him.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_She pushed Bellamy away, she needed to go see Wells. “I didn’t say goodbye!”_

_She knew she was being irrational, but she didn’t get to say goodbye to her father, she needed to say goodbye to Wells, if she could do that, she can make her life have a purpose. Become a doctor, save lives, do something more._

_“O, can Harper pick you up? Do you have money for the groceries?”_

_“Yeah, I—“ the look on O’s face was something Clarke’s never seen before and she wondered what it could mean. Since when were the Blakes so indecipherable to her? “I’ll call her, take Clarke where she needs to go.”_

_Bellamy grabbed the phone out of Clarke’s hand. “It’s Bellamy, where are they taking him?.. I know… It’s what she wants, Mrs. Griffin, she didn’t get it with her father. She’s an adult so…”_

_He pulled her closer to him and huffed at whatever her mother was saying to him. “It’s her decision, I’ll call Jaha if I have to but… okay, thank you.” He hung up the phone and looked to Octavia who was texting. “Are you sure you’re okay, we can wait five minutes and drop you off at home first.”_

_“Harper and Monroe are already on their way. Clarke, I—”_

_“I know, thanks.”_

_They didn’t allow Clarke or Bellamy into the morgue to see Wells, but Clarke stood at the window, looking at the black body bag on the table. Bellamy didn’t know what to say, it was truly a freak accident that could have happened to anyone on that road coming back into town. There was a blind turn around a mountain that people always underestimated and crashed into an oncoming vehicle, but this was a stolen car, a couple on the run that didn’t know anything about the roads in Arkadia, Virginia and sped so fast around the corner they didn’t make it and took Wells over the edge with them, the roof of his car caved in completely, Bellamy didn’t tell Clarke what he heard about what happened to Wells’ head from the impact, the thought could give him nightmares for the years to come._

_“I hate you,” she said, stepping away from him. “It was his last day here, I should have been with him but he always pushed me to have more friends so when you said… This is on you, Bellamy!” she spat and walked down the hall to the elevators, heading up to her mother and Thelonious Jaha._

_By the time he got to the elevators, they were just opening and Clarke was about to step inside so Bellamy followed her in. “You can hate me all you want, Clarke. Hate me for the rest of your life, I will never regret inviting you to O’s sleepover because it saved your life. I know how shitty you’re feeling, I feel that way over my mom, but how do you think I would feel right now if I could have prevented you from being in that car and never said anything?”_

_“So if I were in the car after you invited me to go with you, you would have said ‘at least I tried giving her an alternative’? Fuck you!”_

_“You’re alive, Clarke! I’m never going to apologize for that. I am sorry that you lost him and that you didn’t get to say goodbye. You know just as much as I do that you can’t change the past and I’m not going to regret you getting in my car even if you do.”_

* * *

 

“You went to Riley?” Octavia accused walking into the coffee shop, causing a scene.

“Yep, and this was why. Hi, Raven.”

“Hey, who’s Riley?”

“You know that guy that everyone loved in middle school and when you got to high school no one knew where he was or what he was up to aside from two or three people and they didn’t really talk about him and he showed up every once in a while and always acted like he was there every day so him being there wasn’t out of the ordinary?”

“Yeah?”

“Riley was that guy in our school.”

“And Clarke and Wells were the two that always knew what he was doing and never talked about him,” Octavia grimaced, rolling her eyes. She’s still angry, just wanted a part in telling the story.

“You had the biggest crush on him.”

“He was hot and mysterious, everyone had a crush on him.” She rolled her eyes, “Correction: everyone had a crush on my brother and I just… ew.” She shuttered.

Clarke laughed, “I never had a crush on your brother.”

“And yet he’s your baby’s daddy.”

“Is there some other way you could word that where it doesn’t sound trashy?”

“Probably not, you’re not married, you’re not dating or engaged. Hell, you’re barely talking to each other so why am I talking to you? I’m on his side because you won’t tell me your side because I have to be on his side. Fucking blood is thicker than water and all that shit.”

“No, I haven’t told you why because you freaked out when Raven told us she slept with him. You were drunk, freaked out and drank another half bottle of vodka before Gina got it out of your hands and you blacked out before any supernumerary details were uttered.”

“I gladly don’t remember any of that,” O smiled.

“You also didn’t want to leave the bar so we called Lincoln thinking that seeing him would have gotten you to go home but you asked if he knew and you were pissed that he said yes and Gina drove you home after her shift because we were all wasted except for her, you also passed out in her car so it wasn’t like she had a choice.”

“Is that why she keeps eyeing me whenever I’m there?”

Clarke and Raven laughed, “Probably!”

“Okay, back to Bellamy, tell me everything I need to know because I’ve been pushing you two together for years!”

Clarke grimaced, she didn’t want O to look at Bellamy differently, but if she forgave him for all the shit he put Lincoln through over the years, she’ll forgive him for this too. Hopefully.

“Well, shit. How the hell were you so affable towards him?”

Raven and Clarke exchanged a look at Octavia’s use of affable before Clarke answered, “It didn’t hit me for a while after coming back, I think because I repressed my anger for so long while being away, I continued doing so until I snapped and now I can’t seem to stop being angry with him. God, I’m so angry and it’s exhausting!”

“Pregnancy is exhausting, school is exhausting, having to do both simultaneously just _sounds_ exhausting. I want to take a nap just thinking about this. Add a best friend-slash-baby daddy-slash-guy you can’t talk to without seeing hatred in his eyes-slash-room mate into the mix and—wow, I don’t know how you haven’t ran away.”

“Riley and I’m living with my mom and step dad, I’m actively avoiding Bellamy because we can’t stop hurting each other. And I just started craving a tuna melt and you know I hate hot tuna.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and kudos please feed my creative juices ;)


	9. Six Pounds and an Eight Ounce Sweet Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from Holdin’ Her by Chris Jansen and yes, it's about his baby girl  
> Clarke has Colton and Bellamy responds emotionally  
> They go home and talk about lactation  
> Clarke and Raven talk about Bellarke and IceMechanic  
> Clarke's nightmare is the same but different  
> FLASHBACK: Bellamy's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, like Clarke, I've been having weird dreams that could be interpreted as nightmares. Two weeks ago my mother was a giant black sea serpent that could dance on the tip of her tale out of the water as her way of talking to me in English. Last week it was raw chicken everywhere in my kitchen, cabinets, oven, fridge, freezer, all room temp and it was disgusting. Last night it was essentially Clarke's nightmare but with my fuckboy ex-best friend who is very much alive and my nonexistent baby because immaculate conception only happened once in 1 B.C.E. (maybe).

Clarke was disgustingly sweaty, half blissed out of her mind but fucking sweaty as all hell, feeling like she just went through hell and somehow came back but didn’t remember a lick of it until she heard the pure wailing scream of her baby boy. She was clutching Bellamy’s hand like her life depended on it and only let go to hold Colton in her arms.

“He’s perfect,” she smiled, tears welling in her eyes as she looked down at the tiny human in front of her.

“Yeah,” she barely heard Bellamy breathe over her shoulder, their hands still intwined but all she could focus on was Colton. “You’re amazing,” he said and Clarke looked over at him, searching for the resemblances that were certainly there, but got lost by the pure love and awe in his eyes.

She was going to tell him that he has his freckles because he does, they’re faint but they’re there and adorable but Bellamy’s mouth descended on hers, she couldn’t say a thing.

She forgone her anger and everything she held against this amazing man, her best friend, her partner, her everything and gave into the all consuming kiss as his tongue slid against hers when she gasped, giving him the smallest opening and he took advantage. She couldn’t complain, it was the kiss she’d imagined between them, the kiss she wanted. She relaxed for the first time in months around him and opened her mouth, craving it all. It was intoxicating how, with a gentle nip of her bottom lip, he can make her moan. Their tongues sweep, play, slide, Bellamy’s licking the roof of her mouth in the filthiest way and…

Someone’s throat cleared and Bellamy pulled back, making sure Clarke saw the adoration in his eyes, before looking down at their son and finally to their intruder, Dr. Jackson. “Clarke, how are you feeling?”

“Good,” she sighed, her cheeks glaring because damn Bellamy and his horrible timing.

“That’s good, I’m still going to check in periodically. We have a few more tests to run on Colton, Bellamy you’re free to come and watch through the window or you can stay with Clarke.”

“Go with him,” Clarke asked and it wasn’t that she didn’t trust Jackson or anyone in the hospital with her son, it was more about what the hell did that kiss mean for them if it was more than _holy shit, we’re parents now and we’re scared we’re going to royally fuck him up but we can do this together, I really need you to know that I need you._

“Hey,” O and Raven smiled walking into the room a few minutes after Bellamy and Colton left.

Clarke smiled, she really wanted a shower and a nap. “Hey auntie. Raven,” she winked.

“Funny, I call dibs on godmother, this ones actually family,” Raven quipped.

Clarke rolled her eyes, “Bellamy and I will discuss it.”

“How’s mom life treating you?”

“Confusing. I heard people saying that everything was going to change but I thought it was just one of those things people said to scare millennials into not reproducing because we’re so inept when it comes to the ins and outs of the world and because we don’t see global problems the way they do, our children are going to be homeschooled snowflakes and I’d rather have Colton homeschooled than in school with a mass shooting, but then I think about his social life and physical education and close mindedness and I really don’t want that. I want Wells here to fight for our children’s rights and safety and I want veterans in schools guarding my kid. I want metal detectors and more security, I want them to feel safe and not have to worry about going to school everyday. Them and me.”

“You want more than one?” Raven asked, ignoring Clarke’s overprotective rant that touched on gun safety in America and was too political for just having a baby.

“Eventually.”

“With Bellamy?” Octavia asked.

 _The kiss._ “I don’t know, we need to be able to have a conversation first.”

“That’ll be difficult with a crying baby.”

“Then here’s hoping he doesn’t get colic.”

Ten minutes later Bellamy walked in with Colton in his arms, a nurse close behind just in case and he beamed at Octavia who was desperate to hold Colton who wasn’t sleeping and wasn’t crying so Clarke was blissed out of her mind whenever she saw him. He’s the best thing to come out of this.

It was definitely a plus that Bellamy was not only hot, with his grey button down with rolled up sleeves, five o’clock shadow, which meant he didn’t shave yesterday, his facial hair grew slow enough that he didn’t have to shave everyday but he will tomorrow and Clarke even witnessed him trying to look older than he was a few years ago and it was a mess because Miller did it too and he should probably shave twice a day if he wants to maintain a clean shaven look so Miller had a full beard by the time Bellamy had a dusting, unfair genetics but Bryan appreciated the beard so Miller kept it until someone made a uni-bomber comment and within two hours it was gone, never to be seen again. Add Bellamy’s dark wash jeans and he was a freshman’s wet dream, it was really unfair when you got closer and noticed the freckles that his already tanned skin hid slightly except in the late summer and early fall where they standout, just beginning to fade now at the end of September.

So there was definitely something to say about this look of his with the added bonus of a baby, his baby, in his arms, the look of awe permanently adorning his face that Clarke couldn’t exactly get over. She knows he’s going to be a great dad, he did an amazing job with Octavia when he was a kid himself, so she’s really only worried about herself screwing Colton up.

“Hey, Cole, want to meat your Aunt O? She’s a little crazy but the moment you’re ever in trouble, she’ll be the first one to kick everyone’s ass to make sure you’re okay? And your godmother, Raven?” He huffed rolling his eyes. “She’s going to turn you into a tech wizard which will likely get you in trouble. Aunt O can’t save you from that trouble though.”

Clarke laughed while the two ladies in question gaped at Bellamy, offended but then shrugged like it was the most likely scenario.

“O?” he offered Colton over and Octavia jumped a little too excitedly as she stepped toward him and Bellamy gave her a look. Clarke loved witnessing the silent conversations between the siblings, O calmed and Bellamy passed Colton over to her.

She turned to Clarke, eyes still glued on him, “He’s so small!”

“Six pounds and eight ounces,” Clarke smiled.

“Where’s Abby?” Raven asked.

“She was asked to consult on a surgery but odds are she’s preforming it now because it’s been so long. She was here with me and Bellamy during the birth. She met her grandson, I told her the consult was more important, saving a life is more important.”

* * *

Three days later Bellamy drove Clarke and Cole home, Clarke liked the nickname so it stuck. Clarke didn’t want to get home and immediately check her email for homework and the classes she missed from Wallace and Vie.

“I have so much homework to do!” Clarke groaned, looking at the eight emails from her professors.

“I am ahead on my thesis and the two papers I have are due in three weeks, I have Cole if you want to lock yourself in your room and work your ass off. You have the pump set up at your desk for that reason.”

“I—I haven’t produced any yet, it’s normal for the first child. There’s some formula that they gave us, should last us the night and if I don’t start lactating tomorrow, I’ll ask you to buy some on your way home. CVS has it behind the register, like cigarettes except they don’t sell those anymore,” she grimaced at her half attempt at a joke.

“Yeah, just let me know. Are you sure you’re going to be okay tomorrow?”

“You have a two hour class and another after lunch. We will be fine, no paint around the baby. I have three more for Wallace for the entire semester, he’s letting me do the paintings first and then the papers instead of switching off like usual and I felt like an assembly line for a few weeks but they’re good, handed in and three left before I write a thousand pages about art history. Hey, I can put all these little papers together to create one big obnoxious thesis paper, right?”

Bellamy laughed, “Unfortunately no.”

“Damn it. If I don’t come out in three hours, I died and you better find Cole a nice stepmom. Regardless, he deserves a nice stepmom,” she added because she really doesn’t know what to think about what they were anymore and she stopped thinking about that kiss all together because _really, WTF?_

She closed the door to her room before he could say anything back. She didn’t want to hear whatever he had to say and maybe it was cowardice, maybe giving him an out was too, but everyone deserves to be happy and if she can’t—if she can’t be a part of that, Cole deserves someone who loves him too.

* * *

“How’s the Mom life?” Raven asked walking in the door.

“Good,” Clarke smiled. “He sleeps a lot and crinkles his face when he poops. It’s cute then gross.”

“He did that while I was holding him at the hospital.”

Clarke smirked.

“He pooped in my arms. He’s the only man I’ll allow to do that. Uh, lunch?”

“Bellamy made me a sandwich, turkey I think. I don’t… I want pizza, good pizza, Italian pizza, not this American crap. I will settle for Domino’s.”

“Domino’s and gossip about what’s going on with you and Blake? I haven’t gotten any angry texts since you came home.”

“Order and I’ll check on Cole.”

Fifteen minutes later they had _Bright_ queued up on Netflix as the pizza just arrived, Raven giving the kid a large tip.

“We can watch the movie, but I want to know about you and Bellamy.”

“We only talk about Cole and about our schedule. I talked to Wallace and Vie and I’m home for another week and Bellamy is taking my papers to them.”

“So nothing on the romance front?”

“I…” Clarke sighed. “He kissed me, like an hour after Cole was born.”

“That doesn’t tell me anything. What kind of kiss?”

“What do you mean?”

“Was it a peck? Was there tongue? If you were anywhere else in the world and in perfect health would you have fucked?”

“It was a ‘we just brought a baby into the world and I’m overwhelmed with emotions towards you and him and I don’t know what to do to express myself over it so I’m kissing you, please don’t bite me’?”

“So he’s in love with you and you’re scared to acknowledge that,” Raven told her simply and Clarke grimaced, taking a bite of her pizza and looking to the TV. _Why are Orcs blue? Are we regretting this movie decision three minutes in?_

“If he is, he’s never told me. What about you and Roan? O said you two came to the hospital together.”

“That… that’s just… I need a beer,” Rae stood and headed to the kitchen for a drink.

“You can’t avoid the question. Your shirt was inside out!” Clarke called after her.

“I—that’s not even fair! You’re supposed to be drugged up and blissed out over Colton, not realizing my shirt is inside out. He’s been to a few game nights, you were working to make money for when you can’t, so you missed them, Bell did too. I assume you were also trying to avoid him by avoiding game night.”

“I’m sorry. So your new boyfriend has been interwoven into our little friend group and I was completely unaware. I’m sorry.”

“You’ve been dealing with your own shit,” Raven said sitting back down and backed out of _Bright_ to go to _Brooklyn 99._ “I like him but it’s not going to last, he’s leaving again.”

“Because of work or because you’re pushing him away and using his job as an excuse?”

“My job doesn’t need him anymore and no one really needs a hydrologist around here so he talked to his friends at USGS and is going back to New York.”

“That doesn’t sound like the guy I met three months ago on a plane from Paris.”

* * *

Clarke shot out of bed. She was really starting to hate these nightmares of hers. She held her chest, hoping to slow her heart down as her chest heaved with erratic breaths.

Bellamy.

It’s a habit by now, going to him when I have a nightmare. Her father, Wells… twice, and now this, maybe checking on Cole would calm her down without the need for Bellamy.

Stepping out of bed and down the hall to Cole’s room, Clarke peeked her head in and he was silent, his chest rising and falling with his breaths in the dim light of the star nightlight Raven bought him.

Clarke sighed with relief, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep and snuck into Bellamy’s room and was almost under the covers when he woke up.

“Cole okay?”

“He’s prefect. It was just—“

“Wells?” Bellamy offered, it’s her most recurring nightmare, the guilt she couldn’t get rid of eating away at her.

“With Cole.”

“He would have been an amazing godfather.”

Clarke nodded, her eyes pooling with tears with the thought about her father and Wells never meeting her son.

“Come here,” Bellamy whispered. “I got you.”

* * *

_Italy? She’s going to fucking_ Italy _and she never even told me? Bellamy’s Head was screaming at him over it for what felt like eternity but was probably three minutes because that’s how long Clarke gives him to mull information over before trying to talk to him about it but he’s not in a talking mood, he was so pissed._

_“You’re seriously not going to talk to me all night?” she asked blocking him from the cooler of beer._

_He glared at her and he could easily lift her out of his way but he was so pissed at her that if he touched her he didn’t know what he would do, this was worse than when she blamed him for Wells’ death._

_The worst part was that he understood why she didn’t tell him, he’d be angry no matter when she told him so asking him to drive her to the airport was the best time to do it but if she really thought he would be able to say goodbye to her, she was severely mistaken. So there they were, twelve hours before she leaves and he’s refusing to talk to her._

_“Bellamy—“_

_“What the fuck do you want me to say? That I’m happy for you? That I wish you all the best? Well, I don’t because you can’t even trust me to be happy for you when you get an amazing opportunity to do what you love!” he spat at her and the pain on her face sobered her a little, she’s already drank too much._

_Clarke looked around her apartment. “Come with me,” she said, pulling his arm to the hall where the bedrooms are but he didn’t budge._

_“I want a beer.”_

_“Bellamy, please.”_

_“Beer,” he said firmly even though it was a weak avoidance because she’s not giving up easily. Clarke conceded as long as he followed her to her bedroom._

_Once the door was closed behind them, Clarke grimaced. She was still fucking beautiful and he kind of hated it so he took a pull from his beer and waited for her._

_“I didn’t want you to hate me.”_

_Bellamy groaned, of course she thought that, he’ll if their roles were reversed, he’d have thought that too. Hell, he might have hated her for a few days but then he would have gone to her with a list of places he’d want her to go and take pictures and call him about it because he has to know the atmosphere. “I can’t hate you, Clarke. I envy you and that may be worse right now.”_

_“Okay, okay, I should have told you. I know that, but Bellamy, you would have hated me for the last six months and that’s all I thought you would do.”_

_“You have such low standards for me that you thought I’d hate you? Fuck you,” he sneered, now he’s really pissed that she thought she’d lose him over_ this _._

_“Bellamy...”_

_He stepped into her space, “Fuck. You.”_

_He was angry, he has every right to be but there was also their proximity to each other and how she was looking at him with her sparkling blue eyes and slightly flushed cheeks and there might be more than..._

_“Fuck me,” Clarke said softly, licking her lips half embarrassed, like she thought that he wouldn’t but his inhibitions were thrown to the wind the moment tequila passed his lips._

_Bellamy looked at her for a minute with slight confusion before grabbing her and pressed his lips harshly against hers. He couldn’t think straight, not with her, not with the seven shots of tequila and Jager he downed along with three beers. Her lips were slightly chapped which made pretending it wasn’t his Clarke easier on him, Clarke’s lips were soft and supple and the best memory he had to hold on to with her in Italy for six months._

_He didn’t remember how they got to the bed or when he got her shirt off and his hand down her unbuttoned jeans but he’s not regretting it with the sounds she was making, canting up against his hand, he desperately wanted to taste her, hear her moans in his ear as he fucked into her and he was already rock hard and ready to go just thinking about it._

_“Bell…” she sighed against his lips and he couldn’t contain himself, he yanked her jeans down her thighs and off her entirely, taking her Adidas off in the process._

_He didn’t remember the initial push, or when his pants came off, he wasn’t himself, fading in between realities until he looked right into her crystal blue eyes and finding hurt, but he was too close to his release that he finish up, hoping and praying that she did to so he wouldn’t be the selfish douchebag he knows he is, that this proved he was._

_He dropped his sweaty forehead to her shoulder before pulling out and rolling off her. Will he remember this in the morning?_

_“I hate… you,” she said, her voice broke, Bellamy’s heart went right along with it, already regretting letting this happen._

_He didn’t say anything, just stared up at the ceiling with the iridescent stars were somehow still glowing after hours of darkness._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 3:30 am and I'm awake... WHY?! (Shhhh, I'm drunk!)  
> I scream at Bellamy a lot in this because he frustrates the hell out of me so... if you want some Bellamy POV, drop it in the comments along with some (constructive) criticism, I love it.


	10. Cold Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy's POV (thanks to my drunk self)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Cold Coffee by Ed Sheeran

Bellamy loved waking up to the soft smell of strawberries and vanilla, it was incredibly rare and special and overwhelming. They weren’t anything and all he wanted was to pull her into him. Hold her and try to relieve her demons.

He couldn’t. The first few times it was because of work or picking up Octavia from a party too early in the morning. He wanted to be with her in every sense of the words and he didn’t know how to make that transfer from friends to… to lovers, partners, fiancés, spouses, he wanted it all but just didn’t know how and now they’re _parents_ and it was sad that he didn’t even think of that in his fantasies. He’s always wanted to be a dad, thought he did a good job with O and with some help and the experience, he could be a really great dad. The other times he left her in his bed… it was bad timing. She was drunk or he was, it was just horrible timing.

That night, the biggest regret of his life that brought him the biggest joy with Colton, he laid there the entire night going over every detail, how she curled up in a ball next to him, hating him. He hated himself, he didn’t deserve her, he never has and he’s always tried to be worthy of her and he failed her. He took advantage and that can’t be redeemed.

He’s tried giving her space, which only pissed her off even more. He tried telling her his side and she screamed at him. He didn’t know what to do and she’s in his bed again and he wants to get up and cook breakfast, he wants to check on Colton who’s slept through the night for the first time, but all he heard was her voice in his head, “Maybe I’d believe you if you were ever in your bed when I wake up there. Ten minutes where we could have been curled up together and you asked if I wanted to talk about it and I would have said no and asked you how work was going and your thesis and assisting Professor Pike. Ten minutes of you letting me avoid my nightmare before I finally caved and told you what made this one worse than the others and you couldn’t even give me that.”

He heard Colton cooing over the baby monitor, but it stopped. Clarke said he didn’t nap as much as usual yesterday so maybe he’s making up for it now.

Clarke whimpered against his chest and Bellamy sighed. This morning being the rare occasion where he didn’t wake up with a hard on and if she kept making those noises that was going to change.

“Bell?”

“Morning,” he said softly.

“What are you doing?”

“Checking in.”

She sighed and began pulling away but Bellamy held her waist firmly. “What do you want me to say? It sucked.” Her tone was finite, she didn’t want this, him trying.

“Clarke…” he loosened his hold on her and she stayed.

“Why now? Because I yelled at you about it six weeks ago? I didn’t want it for me, I wanted it for our friendship. Everyone says we know each other better than we know ourselves, so why have you never seen that I’d want the mornings?”

Bellamy didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t get him slapped or yelled at so he sighed, letting his arm fall from her back to the mattress.

“I’m going to check on Cole,” she grimaced and rolled out of his bed, leaving him cold and hard from watching her walk away in those tiny shorts. Had she always wore them?

* * *

She went back to class that week and those two days were hell trying to juggle his class work and switching off with Cole but after the mess that was Tuesday, they decided to switch off at his office just before office hours so he was feeding Cole while working with his students. It was a good idea until Cole realized Bellamy wasn’t Clarke, whom he constantly spent his first month of life with. Bellamy’s pang of jealousy was quieted when Bellamy whispered about Hercules to him (Hercules of all things, Bellamy?) and fell back asleep.

“That was really cute,” he heard from the doorway and looked up to find Charlotte standing there with her paper from last week. “Is he yours?”

“Yeah, Cole,” he smiled. “He’s almost a month old.” He stood and gently placed Cole in his stroller so he could work with Charlotte.

“Not that it’s anyone’s business but everyone in class flirts with you. Thinking you’re single.”

“Well, not that it’s any of their business, but they’re right. Not that I want them to be right, it’s complicated and the best advice I can give is don’t have sex with your best friend while drunk and pissed off. But you’re freshmen so you shouldn’t be drinking anyway,” Bellamy smirked knowingly, the freshmen have been drinking for years at this point.

“Right,” she smiled.

“Your paper?”

“Yes,” she looked down at her paper and sifted through to find what she was looking for. “I was wondering what you meant when you wrote ‘Calliope’s importance was less than what’s portrayed.’”

“I was being vague and wanted you to figure it out for yourself.”

“I have, I think…”

* * *

“Happy Birthday,” Bellamy smiled when Clarke walked into the kitchen for the coffee that just finished brewing. Cole was in his bouncer on the counter close to where Bellamy was cooking her breakfast.

“Blueberry pancakes?” she smiled.

“Your favorite. I gave him a bottle already so you could sleep in.”

“Thank you,” she smiled softly pressing a kiss to Cole’s head.

“Your mom called me yesterday, she wants us to have dinner tonight for your birthday.”

“Likely excuse to see Cole,” she smiled pouring herself a cup of coffee.

“Definitely an added bonus,” he flipped the pancake to make sure it’s done before placing it on a plate along with the others. “Eat up,” he smiled passing the plate to her.

Her presents were on the dining room table and she stopped short when she saw them. “You shouldn’t have.”

“All Cole, that boy is a spendthrift.”

“You’re too much,” she sighed shaking her head and sat at the table.

Bellamy followed close behind with his own plate and Cole. “Octavia said you’re going to lunch with her and Raven and Luna.”

“Yeah, Luna hasn’t seen Cole since the hospital and she says we can get a discount at her daycare in January. So we can focus more on school. Have—have you seen Echo?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t have the time for whatever games she wants to play.”

“Right,” she said curtly drinking her coffee.

“Clarke—“

“I don’t want to fight today.”

“Me neither. I have office hours at one and then I’m going to the store for supplies for dinner. Need anything specific?”

“I think I’m good, maybe some formula for Cole, if you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been producing as much lately, I think it’s stress but it should go back to normal after midterms in two weeks.”

Bellamy grimaced.

“I know what you’re thinking and it’s not fair. And they don’t truly know if there’s a difference between formula fed and breast fed. They’re different ways for babies to get the same nutrients.”

“But aren’t antibodies transferred from mother to child with breast feeding?”

“Yes and I’m not stopping, it’s a momentary cutback. If he gets sick it’s not going to be because he’s not getting antibodies to fight off the virus, he still has them and will continue but just a lower amount. Wow, it’s like you read a baby book,” she scoffed, taking the last bite of her pancakes.

“I was a Boy Scout,” he said flatly and Clarke nearly choked on her food, gulping down coffee to remedy the situation.

“You were not! You couldn’t even tie your shoes in middle school!”

“You didn’t know me when I was in middle school.”

“Yeah, that’s why I was talking about when _I_ was in middle school,” she smiled and then something crossed her mind and her smile turned into a frown.

“Presents?” Bellamy asked pushing his chair back and collecting their plates to place in the dish washer for later. He brought back the pot of coffee, knowing she needed more.

“You really shouldn’t have. We—we never have…”

“They’re from Cole, I’m telling you, he was persistent.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and grabbed the closest wrapped box to her and started to peel away the wrapping paper, stopping short at the writing at the edge of the wooden box. “This is way too much.”

“You’ve been talking about them for years, they’re the best of the best. You’ve been wanting to get into watercolor so there’s some incentive.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Keep going.”

He got her watercolor paints and paper and some shirts that she was looking at when they went shopping with her mother months ago for Cole’s room she was too pregnant for them then so she didn’t get them and smiled when she pulled them out of the gift bag.

“Thank you,” she smiled at him and he smiled back.

“Of course.”

“I have one more painting for Wallace that I have to finish. Are you… can you…?”

“Watch Cole for a few hours? Yeah, I just have to leave by 12:30.”

“I should have a majority done by then. I’ll clean the place up while you’re gone, can’t let the senator and the hospital’s head of surgery thinking we live like pigs,” she joked and Bellamy smirked. Their apartment wasn’t a mess, it was just lived in, it’s still a thousand times cleaner than the house he and Octavia grew up in. “We should invite O and Lincoln too, they’re family.”

“Uh, yeah, I’ll call them and ask.”

“Thank you, Bellamy,” she said again before disappearing back into her room to work on her painting for Wallace’s class.

* * *

“What are you making?” O asked sitting on the edge of the counter like when she was a kid and he was making her a grilled cheese or mac and cheese to shut her up. The girl was obsessed with cheese.

“Clarke loves my chicken stuffed eggplant.”

“That’s a horrible euphemism,” she grimaced.

“Shut up, we… we haven’t—we’re not like that.”

“You two will always be like that, she just has to get over whatever her issue is with that night that brought my favorite nephew into this world and you need to just tell her how you feel about her. Not that night, _her.”_

“Wait, you’re saying she didn’t tell you what happened? You have no idea?”

“No idea about the kind of sex you two have? No and I don’t want to.”

Bellamy looked around to see if anyone was coming towards them, still lowering his voice so no one could accidentally hear, “I didn’t see her. She could have been anybody else but it wasn’t and once I realized that I hated myself and my eyes are expressive as fuck, if you hadn’t noticed so when I was hating myself she interpreted it as hatred for her and her leaving and I haven’t been able to tell her otherwise. I really don’t know how without sounding like an ass.”

“So sound like an ass, wouldn’t you rather have her know?”

“I’m not doing it on her birthday.”

“Happy birthday, Baby, I love you and what you saw that night had absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with me realizing what I was doing.”

“And she said it wasn’t what I thought it was so that can’t even be used and I would never call her baby.”

“Yeah, that actually sounded really weird coming out of your mouth. Princess actually works for you two.”

“So are you going to tell me about the ring in your pocket?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Right, you’re not playing with your left ring finger or anything.”

Octavia looked at her hands in her lap and grimaced, placing them on the counter instead. “It’s Clarke’s birthday, and like you, I wasn’t going to say anything today. We were going to invite everyone over next weekend.”

“You’re moving in with him?”

“His lease ends in three weeks, it makes sense to.”

Bellamy nodded, putting the eggplant in the oven to cook and set the timer. “We should get back to them.”

“Clarke wants a La Croix,” O smirked hopping off the counter.

Bellamy groaned opening the fridge to grab a can of the gross crab-raspberry flavored sparkling water. “Anything else?”

“No one else wanted anything but then again it was fifteen minutes ago.”

“You are horrible help,” he shook his head and headed into the living room and handed Clarke her drink before sitting down on the other end of the couch.

“Thanks.”

“Has he eaten?” He nodded towards Cole in Lincoln’s arms.

“No, I was giving everyone a chance to hold him.”

* * *

Clarke aced her midterms, they dressed Cole as a tootsie roll for Halloween and before they knew it, it was Thanksgiving and everyone was going to their apartment because Bellamy was the only one who could cook a turkey without it winding up dry, Abby and Kane included.

“You guys need to figure out how to cook for yourselves,” he finally complained after forcing down his last bite of pumpkin pie.

“Quit complaining, you love it,” Raven groaned, slouching in her chair. When was their dining table big enough for ten people and a baby?

“I’ve half succeeded in pretending to. At least clean up the table while I put Cole to bed,” he grimaced, trying to stand but too full.

“I got him,” Clarke smiled, standing with ease—she was always better at food proportions than he was—and pulled Cole out of his bouncer. “You’ll read to him tomorrow.”

The moment Cole’s door was closed behind them, Raven pounced, “What’s going on with you two? You’re awfully chummy since the last time I was here.”

“That’s because you’ve refused to spend any time here and Roan’s been keeping you pretty busy, huh?”

“That is false. I would spend time with my two friends if they didn’t fight all the time and we just work together.”

“Um, what she said,” Roan grumbled next to Raven.

“Right. It’s not like O and Lincoln haven’t been hiding their engagement for seven weeks.”

Monty’s eyes widened and Miller stood, collecting everyone’s plates.

“Fuck you, Bell!” O exclaimed and Lincoln gaped at Bellamy.

Monty joined Miller in the kitchen with a sheepish look on his face.

“Well, you should have told people! Lincoln, she didn’t tell you that I knew?”

“Considering no one was supposed to know until after Christmas, no.”

“She didn’t tell me the plan so how was I supposed to know?”

“You’re not supposed to steal our announcement from us! It’d be like us telling Clarke that you’re in love with her. Seriously, Bellamy Alexander, figure your own life out and stop meddling in mine!” Octavia yelled and stormed out of the apartment without her jacket or saying goodbye to anyone.

“Uh, I should probably… she’ll catch a cab before realizing she doesn’t have money on her,” Lincoln said grabbing his and Octavia’s jackets from the closet. “Tell Clarke we said goodbye for us.”

An hour later, everyone was gone and Clarke was helping him clean up the kitchen. “Tonight was good.”

“Tonight was a disaster.”

She chuckled, “You shouldn’t have told everybody their business.”

“Yeah, well, no one was really surprised. You weren’t even there when it happened and you’re not surprised.”

“That’s because she called me an hour after he asked her demanding I be her maid of honor then threatened my life if I told anyone.”

“You didn’t even tell me about my own sister’s engagement?”

“ _Threatened my life_ , Bellamy. Think of Cole, I couldn’t do that to him, besides you found out on my birthday, it was barely a week after he asked her and she asked you to keep it a secret too. You didn’t bring it up so I didn’t think I should tell you that I knew or that I knew before you.”

“Still so unfair,” he pouted and Clarke shoved the last slice of pumpkin pie in his mouth. “If you think I’m not going to eat this now, you’re severely mistaken.”

“I wonder how people conceive children after all this turkey and food, I’ve been slowly been falling into a food coma, I really don’t know how people could have sex after a night of eating like this.”

“It’s probably happened.”

“Oh, no doubt, but you could barely move to put Cole to bed, how—never mind.”

“I’m not suggesting anything but if someone wanted to, if someone asked, I could right now, or tonight or any time after I eat like that. I’m going to shut up now because you look horrified.”

“I wasn’t coming onto you,” she said looking at the drying plate in her hand.

“I know. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Clarke—“

“I’m headed to bed, the tryptophan. I have Cole tonight,” she grabbed the baby monitor off the island and headed down the hall, her door closing loudly behind her.

The semester ended quickly and before Bellamy knew it, it was Christmas and there might be too many gifts for Cole under their little Christmas light tree. Clarke took a bunch of those clear command hooks and zig-zagged a string of white and purple lights in the shape of a tree on the wall with a timer set and everything. Bellamy smiled when he came home and saw it, classic Clarke.

New Years she kissed his cheek before heading to bed.

He was in the middle of a shift at the coffee shop when his phone wouldn’t stop ringing. He couldn’t answer, they were in the middle of a rush so when the store’s phone rang he answered it annoyed but politely.

“She left him here, Bellamy. I don’t know what to do with him, he won’t stop crying,” Raven grumbled over Cole’s crying.

“Shit. There should be a pacifier in his bag, hopefully some milk or formula. Do you know where she went?”

“If I knew that I would have just followed her.”

“So helpful. I’m going to look for her. Please watch him until O gets there or one of us.”

“You owe me a whole pizza.”

“Done. Thank you, Raven.”

Bellamy looked to Miller who’s been listening while he worked. “Go, Monty and I can handle it.”

“Thanks.”

It took Bellamy a half hour to figure out where Clarke could have gone in the middle of winter. January 8, he sighed and ran to the cemetery, stopping short when he saw her fifty yards away kneeling in front of the large headstone.

Closing in he began hearing the soft voice of Ed Sheeran.

_Tell me how to fall in love the way you want me to_  
_I'll wake with coffee in the morning_  
_But she prefers two lumps of sugar and tea_  
_Outside the day is up and calling_  
_But I don't have to be so, please go back to sleep  
_ _Stay with me forever_

Bellamy knelt down beside her, her eyes locked shut and she cried for Jake. Seven years, Bellamy grimaced with the realization.

_Or you could stay with me for now_  
_Tell me if I'm wrong_  
_Tell me if I'm right_  
_Tell me if you need a loving hand_  
_To help you fall asleep tonight_  
_Tell me if I know_  
_Tell me if I do_  
_Tell me how to fall in love the way you want me to_  
_'Cause I love the way you wake me up  
_ _For goodness sake will my_

The song stopped abruptly and Bellamy looked over to Clarke who was glaring at him like he was Cerberus.

“I’m sorry,” he said simply, what else could he say?

“What are you doing here?”

“Raven called in a panic, you dropped Cole with her with no words or explanation. We were worried.”

She nodded and looked back at the headstone.

“What were you playing?”

“Cold Coffee, it was his favorite song, sang it to my mom that last year.”

“Before everyone knew who Ed Sheeran was. Who knew Jake Griffin was a trend setter?”

Clarke didn’t say anything, just stared at her father’s name.

“If you wanted two hours I would have watched Cole while you came here. You could have brought him too, introduce them.”

“Like you will with your mom? You’ve never visited her grave.”

“Your relationship with Jake was far different than my relationship with Aurora. There are things you don’t know about, things I can’t forgive, Clarke.”

“He wasn’t the perfect father, Bellamy, but he was still my father. If it were my mother who’d passed, I’d still be here visiting her. It’s not about what they did, it’s about keeping the connection we had with them alive.”

“You told him about Cole?”

“Of course.”

Bellamy nodded. “We lost three people in eighteen months back then. Your dad, then my mom, and then Wells, I wasn’t close to him but it still sucked. How the hell did we get through all that?”

“Bell, could we just… sit here in silence? I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry.”

After a few minutes Clarke leaned over and dropped her head on his shoulder with a sigh.

“We should get Cole,” she said suddenly and stood, heading back to her car.

In the car, Bellamy grimaced, wanting to have this conversation differently. “I have a job interview on Monday for after graduation.”

“Okay? Isn’t that a little early?”

“In New York.”

“New York? You’re leaving Cole.”

“No, Clarke, no. It’s an interview and there will be more here and in DC but I’m hoping that the ones here will find out that New York wants me and will offer me more so I’ll be inclined to stay.”

“Your son isn’t incentive?”

“Cole is everything to me. I don’t want New York, but I want to get paid what I’m worth.”

“What if I want New York, or LA, or Boston?”

“We can figure it out. I’m not signing a contract saying that if they want me after the interview they have me. Okay? We have until May.”

She scoffed, “Do whatever the hell you want, Bellamy.”

“I really hate this attitude of yours. You won’t even let me talk to you about after graduation. It’s our reality in five months, Clarke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment, kudos, hmu on tumblr if you feel so inclined... no pressure.
> 
> I hear you, you want them to talk... they're gonna, it's already written for the next chapter. No spoilers.


	11. I Like Me Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uh... Bellamy's POV and then changes back to Clarke... REASONS!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for the last hour I contemplated whether or not I should post this chapter because I just posted the last chapter and I never post chapter this quickly partly because it takes me a week to write a chapter but I've had a majority of this chapter written and didn't know what chapter it was going to be in so I really only needed one day instead of seven like usual. so instead of a Sunday night/ Monday morning post next week, expect Tuesday/ Wednesday.
> 
> Anyway, title from I Like Me Better by Lauv... however you pronounce his name...

Bellamy threw his suitcase in the trunk of the car and got in the passengers seat, turning to look at the sleeping Colton in the back.

“How was your trip?” Clarke asked pulling away from the curb.

“They liked me.”

“So you got the job?”

“I don’t know, I’m hoping they offer me one so I can walk into another interview asking for more money. What New York is offering… it’s not enough for a three bedroom apartment and daycare.”

“You want us to move with you?”

“It’s not a done deal, I’d rather find something here, but if that’s the best option, would you?”

“I… my mom and O are here, our _lives_ are here, Bellamy. You can leave them here?”

“O will be fine, Lincoln proposed and they’re going to open that kickboxing studio, your mom and Marcus have to be here for his job, New York has been wanting her for years so maybe when he retires. I’m not saying that I want to move, I’m just asking you that if it’s the best that I can do, will you come and bring our son?”

“I—I don’t know.”

The next twenty minutes of their drive were silent and when Bellamy got out of the car he grabbed his suitcase and Colton and headed into their apartment.

* * *

_“What are you doing here, Bell?” Clarke asked, putting her book down._

_“I told school my uncle died, got an extended weekend. I needed to be here for my favorite Griffin,” he nudged her with his shoulder. “So how’s Tolstoy?”_

_“Pretentious, I don’t know how you read it.”_

_“I’m the most pretentious person in the world, didn’t you know?”_

_“That’s the best description of you to date,” she smirked._

_“So, really, how are you?”_

_“I’m fine mostly but then I’ll think of something I want to tell him and I can’t. It’s only been four days but it feels like it’s never going to be easier.”_

_“What do you mean?” He grimaced._

_“My dad said it’d get easier and Raven before she left, your mom with your dad, but it doesn’t feel like it will.”_

_“You talked to Aurora about my dad?”_

_“I kind of ran away when I found out and she and O found me here. She talked to me, told me how painful losing him was and how it got easier but her love for him never lessened.”_

_“No, Clarke, she’s never talked about him. I’ve asked her and all I got was ‘Filipino’.”_

_“She loves him, Bellamy, she loves you too. I know she hasn’t been the best mother to you or O but she loves you guys.” Bellamy stood, not wanting to hear it, Clarke grasped his hand to keep him close. “I could see that clear as day when she was talking to me.”_

_“That’s real great,” he sneered and Clarke tugged on his hand._

_“Stop being like this, I thought you were here to cheer me up.”_

_“Do you think it’s easy to know nothing about my father? You had a life with yours! I didn’t get that with mine and Aurora won’t even talk to me about him.”_

_“I’m sorry,” she sighed. “But are you really taking it out on me? You know as much as I do about your father, so what that it’s three days later? You know.”_

_Bellamy grimaced and sat back down next to her, their fingers still intwined and he needed to pull away, he needed to put some distance between them, it could be dangerous for him._

_“This book isn’t a big enough distraction.”_

_“We could walk to the waterfall, plenty of distractions with trying not to fall on your face.”_

_“O and I did that yesterday.”_

_“She’s stealing all my moves, should I be worried?”_

_“When aren’t you worried?”_

_“Always when it comes to you and O.”_

_“I’m not your sister, Bell,” she said hating how her voice cracked and how utterly weak she sounded saying that._

_“I know.”_

_“Do you?”_

_Bellamy turned to look at her instead of over the water of the pond and smiled fondly. “Clarke,” he said so softly she could have imagined it. “You’re not my sister.”_

_His eyes dropped from hers momentarily and she couldn’t help it, she’s wanted to know what the big deal was kissing Bellamy Blake since she heard that first rumor freshman year and he was looking at her like that and she leaned in capturing his lips with her own._

_“Clarke…”_

_She gaped at him, pulling away. “I…”_

_She didn’t know what to say so she stood and ran, leaving her book behind and hid in her room._

_She kissed Bellamy..._

* * *

Bellamy walked into the apartment and found it empty, neat but empty. He went to Colton’s room and found Clarke looking out the window, Cole asleep in his crib.

She sniffled, unaware of Bellamy’s presence and he grimaced. He knew what today was, he knew that she wouldn’t want him to say anything but how could he not? How could he ever make it up to her when she constantly sees that look in his eyes? He knows she does, he watches her mood change mid conversation, her eyes darken with sadness, her light dims around him and he hates seeing that. Hates how one mistake has taken over his life and he has no way of changing it, of telling her it was something it wasn’t, something more—better—than what she knows it was. He remembered the night, more than he claims to because he knew he hurt her that night. He knew they would never be the same after that, he’d be lucky if she spoke to him again.

He looked in at Cole in his crib and smiled at the rise and fall of his chest before moving on to Clarke. “Hey,” he said softly, getting her attention while craving to reach out and touch her.

She wiped her eyes and turned to him, smiling with her sad eyes. “Hey, how was work?”

“Fine. What’s wrong?” He knows what’s wrong.

“Nothing,” she smiled.

“Clarke, you act like I haven’t known you for thirteen years, I know when something is wrong with you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

“It’s been a year, you—“

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she sneered and pushed around him.

He grabbed her arm and he swore she thought he was going to force himself on her. “Well, I do. This isn’t fair to either of us, Clarke. Please just talk to me about it.”

“About what, Bellamy? How you fucked me?” she hissed, yanking her arm out of his grasp. “How you’re the one that got us in this situation where I have to strategically plan my courses around breastfeeding our son at the college daycare this semester?”

“You said you wanted it, you said that you were okay with it.”

“Well, I lied. I do it all the time to protect your fragile male ego.”

“I never asked you to do that! Yell at me, scream! Do you think that I don’t want to know how you feel? How badly I hurt you? That I don’t beat myself up over it every moment of every day? I do! I want to know, I don’t want to assume anymore.”

“Get out,” she said sternly and Bellamy was about to protest when she continued. “Get out of my son’s room because I am not waking him up over your bad decisions.”

Bellamy grimaced, knowing better than to argue that with her, and walked out of the room with her behind him. He stood in the kitchen, itching to grab a beer but knew she wouldn’t like that so he stood there, waiting for her to walk in.

She stood across from him and grimaced. “You really want to do this… _today?”_

“You rather have bad memories of another date? Best scenario,” he shrugged hoping that it doesn’t end badly for them this time around.

“What the hell do you want me to say, Bellamy?”

“I want you to tell me what is wrong. Why you look at me like I’m the only person in the world who has hurt you, why looking at me is torture. Why you won’t let me in anymore.”

“You _fucked_ me a year ago today, knocked me up, and you didn’t even see me while you were doing it. You didn’t see me, you didn’t hear me, if I didn’t want to do anything you did to me, you would have done it anyway because you didn’t pay attention to anything but your own pleasure.

“I can’t get that look out of your eyes. There was one day where I didn’t see it. One day where I forgot how we’d gotten to where we are and it was the day Cole was born. The day you kissed me again and I—what the hell was _that?”_

“I—Clarke, our son was just born, I—“

“You were emotional, you were over the moon about having a son that kissing me meant nothing but I’m a person, Bellamy! I have thoughts and feelings and you have hurt me so much this year!” Clarke turned away from him, leaning against the counter. She couldn’t even look at him for five minutes, how the hell were they supposed to be a family if she couldn’t even look at him? “You were the one person who I thought I could trust, that would never hurt me but by doing that, by thinking that and believing it, I gave you all the power to hurt me. I gave you the ability to hurt me beyond repair and—“

Bellamy couldn’t listen anymore, he didn’t know he did all that to her, he didn’t know that he could. His eyes were brimming with tears when he said her name, voice breaking between syllables.

“Clarke, please… look at me.”

She didn’t move but he heard her huff so he asked again and she turned halfway around, looking over her shoulder at him and her lips parted at the sight of him. He knew he looked wrecked, having her think he’s a monster was his worst nightmare.

“I didn’t know, Clarke. You pushed me away when Cole was born. You—you told me you hated me last year, I didn’t know that I hurt you. I didn’t know that I could hurt you.”

“Did those twelve years mean nothing to you? I’d either think of you as a brother or be completely in love with you after that long period of time. I—“

“Did you… love me?”

“Last year I said I hated loving you, not that I hated you.”

Bellamy nodded, realizing everything that they’ve missed out on, everything that they screwed up. Every moment between them over the years had a new meaning and it was the best revelation of his entire life. “Do you hate me now?”

“I can’t hate you, Bellamy,” she shook her head. “I can be so furious that I want to kill you, but I could never hate you.”

He nodded, not knowing where exactly to take that information because she’s still wary about him and his—she’ll never forget how he looked at her last year. “I’m sorry, Clarke. I’m so sorry that I did that to you. How many times do I have to apologize for what I did before we move past it?”

“I know your sorry, Bellamy. I know that you mean it, but I still need time to get over it. I don’t know how long that’s going to take.”

He nodded, he can wait for her. He’s waited five years already, what’s a few more months. It shouldn’t be more than a few months, right? “Okay. Whatever you need me to do, okay?”

She smiled weakly and nodded softly, her blue eyes sad and never meeting his. “O wants a girl’s night. Would you mind watching him?”

“Of course. Nate was coming over to vent about work, bringing Chinese if you decide to stay.”

She huffed, she knew how hilarious Miller’s complaints about his job were and will want a recap at some point later. “I should go out, I feel like I’ve only been in this apartment since Cole was born.”

“Yeah, go. Have—have fun.”

* * *

“What is wrong with you tonight?” Miller asked slapping the back of Bellamy’s head.

“What? Sorry.”

“What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing, you were saying Kane doesn’t wash his hands..?”

“That was a half hour ago. You’ve been zoned out since Monty called. Is something wrong with Cole?”

“No. No! It’s… it’s Clarke. Me and Clarke. I—lost her.”

“No! You didn’t lose her. That’s like saying Bonnie lost Clyde.”

“She did. They died so that’s a horrible metaphor. She told me today that what I did last year isn’t something she could forgive.”

“She’s still living here with you, you still talk and hang out?”

“It’s not like she’s volunteering to do it, she’s doing it for Cole.”

“She doesn’t have to live with you, Blake. She could have stayed with Octavia and Raven—I doubt they’d appreciate that—and you could have stayed with me and you could have split time with Cole, but you’re not. She agreed to living with you, that’s something.”

“She didn’t want to move in with her mom. It was this or living with Abby and Kane.”

“Not the point, she knew what she was doing when she agreed to live in the same space as you. If she didn’t want to do it, she wouldn’t have.”

“What exactly are you saying?”

“I’m saying that you’re both fucking morons with your heads up your asses—I’m spending way too much time with Murphy—just tell her you’re in love with her.”

“What? No! I—I can’t, not after this afternoon.”

Miller rolled his eyes, “You’ve been in love with her for as long as I’ve known you, you should have told her back then and you should tell her now.”

“She was fifteen and her father just died.”

“And who did she go to when she didn’t want to be alone?”

“Stop acting like you know everything. I couldn’t tell her then and I can’t tell her now. We’re—she’s not ready.”

* * *

“She drank a lot, I hope you have enough milk pumped for tomorrow because nothing she produces tomorrow is viable for Colton,” Raven yelled dragging Clarke through the apartment to her room.

Bellamy closed the door behind them, “Thanks. How was she?”

“Torn up. Refused to talk about what you guys fought about.” They disappeared into Clarke’s room and Raven came out seconds later sans Clarke.

“We—we weren’t fighting. The party O and Jasper threw for her—the night Cole was conceived—it was a year ago today so she’s emotional about it.”

“Did you tell her your side of it? That you love her?”

“She won’t believe me.”

“Try something because she’s… broken and I never thought I’d say that about her after everything she’s been through. You both deserve happiness.”

Bellamy nodded, all he wanted was for Clarke to be happy. With or without him she should be happy. “I know.”

“Good, the Uber is downstairs waiting for me so take care of her for me and Colton.”

“You got it.”

Raven left and Bellamy put together his Clarke hangover cure package; Advil, Gatorade, Reese’s peanut butter cups, a slice of potato bread.

He stepped away from her nightstand, leaving when she reached out and grabbed his hands, their fingers interlocking.

“I never stopped loving you, Bell,” she said softly. He looked back down at her and her glassy blue eyes bore into his.

“We’ll talk about it later,” he offered a tight lipped smile and pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead, not to push his luck and left her in her bed to sleep off the alcohol, his mind drifting to the letter she gave him before going into labor.

“Where the hell did I leave that?” he asked himself, thinking about that night. He placed it on Cole’s dresser, it must have fallen behind it.

* * *

Clarke stepped out of her room groaning and scratching her throbbing head and carrying the half stale slice of potato bread left at her bedside. When did she get so old? So prone to hangovers? Were they always this horrible?

She froze at the sight of the kitchen, freshly brewed coffee, bacon and eggs and toast with butter and blackberry jam and two Advil.

“Bellamy?” She asked looking at him sitting at the island his thumb tapping on the rim of his coffee mug.

“I’m in love with you.”

Clarke sighed, “Bellamy…”

“No, don’t push me away. You wrote me a letter three weeks before Cole was born and you never gave it to me. And I understand why you didn’t but last night you told me that you’ve never stopped loving me so I found the letter and I read it and last year you said that you hate that you love me and because I was so deliriously drunk I didn’t hear that. I really, really wish I had because I’ve been in love with you since you were fifteen and I felt like a pervert.”

“You were nineteen,” she shook her head softly trying to grasp everything he’s said.

“I know, it was still wrong.”

“What… When did you—?”

“Summer, so I guess you were really fourteen, you were trying to be cool because Raven was always with your dad and you were jealous so you were rebelling. Then he was in the hospital and you stopped, I guess you realized that you’re the best you that you could be, you didn’t have to copy Raven and pretend to be interested in engineering for him to love you and want to spend time with you.

“I don’t know when but I knew it was after his car accident but before he passed where I looked at you and thought ‘that’s the girl I’m going to marry.’ It scared the hell out of me. Then Jake died and I was away again. I came back and you were so angry.”

“My dad died, I had a right to be angry. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“I’m glad you did, it was the first time I saw a little bit of me inside you. You became _Clarke Griffin_ that summer. You weren’t the kingdom’s little princess anymore and you earned the respect you got. It softened once your anger subsided but the new you was still there and no matter what—or who—I did, my feelings wouldn’t go away.”

Clarke nodded, “Prom. I knew at prom and it wasn’t because you saved me from awkwardly going with Wells. It was a slow realization; that even if I could have picked whomever I wanted to go with from school, I’d still have asked you. How there’s a small cluster of freckles on your cheek that were more prominent and looked like Scorpius, which reminded me of my dad because it was his favorite constellation. You didn’t treat me like any of O’s other friends, they were my friends too, I don’t know, I was drawn to you and I was glad that I decided on Ark U instead of Harvard because it meant I could see you all the time.”

“Clarke.”

“I love you, Bellamy _Argus_ Blake, but I don’t know if that changes anything right now.”

“I’m so glad Octavia doesn’t know my real middle name,” he sighed before getting serious again. “So where do we go from here?”

Clarke took the three steps that separated them and kissed him. It was chaste and she did it again, lingering before giving in to what she really wanted. She licked into his mouth and his hands landed at her waist as their tongues danced around each other, pulling away for a breath.

“Kissing is definitely allowed,” she huffed.

Bellamy laughed, his thumbs rubbing circles into her hips. “Good, because I missed that.”

“Shut up, you had Echo.”

“No, I did not. Okay, fine, _once_ in May and all I thought about was you so it sucked and she was clingy and I hoped O would have scared her away.”

Clarke laughed, pressing a soft kiss to Bellamy one more time. “No labels. I don’t know how I feel about labels just yet, okay? We love each other and that’s awesome but you loved me last year and it wasn’t…” she shook her head unable to continue.

“I am so sorry, Clarke. It definitely wasn’t how I wanted it to happen either.”

“Good. Maybe we could build up to how we both want it.”

Bellamy smiled and hugged her, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head before heading into the shower.

* * *

Clarke walked into the library with the full intention of spending an hour studying before getting Cole from Luna’s daycare, only to find Bellamy with his nose shoved in a book and his glasses on the bridge of his nose, he never uses them like that.

She goes and finds the book she’s looking for before sneaking up behind him and covered his eyes with a “Guess who,” whispered in his ear.

“Hmm,” he contemplated, tapping his pen against his stubbly chin. “One of my favorite blondes? Harper? Oh, no, it’s definitely Jennifer Lawrence,” he harped and Clarke gasped, feigning hurt when Bellamy grabbed her wrist, pulling her back as he looked up at her with a teasing smile. “Oh, even better, it’s my girl.”

She rolled her eyes, “Your girl?”

“You’re saying you’re not?”

“Oh, I definitely am, it’s just _finally,_ ” she sighed sitting in the spare seat next to him _._ “I know it was my fault, I was so angry.”

“I know, and I’m not saying it was okay, because it hurt like hell to know that you were that angry at me. Do you know how many times I picked up my phone to call you and tell you that I wished we happened differently, softer?”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because I was scared you’d say you regretted it, that you found someone new, that you hated me because I hated me.”

“Your self deprecation is such a turn on.”

“Right back at ya with the sarcasm,” he smirked.

Clarke smirked, “I was going to study for an hour then go get Cole.”

“That’s exactly what I was going to do.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she rolled her eyes and settled in at the table.

* * *

“What’s going on with you two?” Octavia said at the bar a week later.

“What do you mean?”

“You were crying and calling him an asshole at girls’ night three weeks ago and now you’re all chummy like the past year didn’t happen. You’re best friends again.”

“We came to an understanding. Bell!”

He looked over from the pool game he was winning against Roan.

“Best friends?” She asked pointing to Octavia.

“Doesn’t fit, Wells was your best friend,” he said, going back to the game he was winning.

“Did you fuck him?” O asked somewhat quietly.

“Uh, yeah, like thirteen months ago, that’s how you have a nephew.”

“I meant since I last saw you, smart ass.”

“You saw me this morning so no,” Clarke smiled at the obvious frustration on her friend’s face. “I was apparently really drunk and I told him that I never stopped loving him so in the morning he told me he was in love with me and has been since before my dad died and we’re not together but we’re not looking for anyone else either.”

“Is that really smartest move?”

Clarke shrugged, “How long have you known me? How many relationships did I jump into that ended horrifically? I really don’t want that, not with him. Not with Colton in the picture.”

“You really think seven years is _jumping into a relationship_ with Bellamy?”

“I think we’ve been through some shit and a gradual change will be better for us, extending our relationship slowly.”

“So you’re making out and that’s it?”

“Look, I still see that look in his eyes, I can push it away, reminding myself that he loves me, but it still happens.”

“As often or—“

“No, it’s not as often as before, thank God, but when it happens I can’t always push it away and that’s what I want to happen. I don’t want a ghost of a memory haunting us for the rest of our lives. I want it gone before we’re more.”

“Okay, it was somehow okay until _more,”_ Octavia grimaced and walked away, over to Lincoln and Miller.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment, Kudos, tweet me... what's a tweet? ;)  
> [12 is going to be something](http://thebellarkeofitall.tumblr.com/post/171349584553/chapter-12-is-going-to-be-something)


	12. Take It from Me (If You Want a T-Shirt to Sleep In)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jousting... (I'm freaking dying from laughing so hard but I'm also dead serious, this chapter is about someone jousting professionally!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this started as a joke, I really wanted it to be about fencing (because that's at least an Olympic sport) but I couldn't think of the word fencing and jousting was what happened... it was fun and entertaining.  
> Title from Take It from Me by Jordan Davis

“Are you okay with this?” Clarke asked the next day, Abby and Marcus still had Cole and they were about to start watching _Altered Carbon_ with a half pepperoni/ half mushroom and onion pizza.

“ _Altered Carbon_?”

“No, us. Octavia—“

“I haven’t talked to her so she doesn’t know how I feel and so she’s being protective which I don’t need. Of course I want more but I want you comfortable first. Why dive in head first when we can take our time?”

Clarke chewed the inside of her lip because he was saying the right things, she just doubted that he actually _felt_ them.

“Clarke, I love you and this adds to that even though I want to sex all the time, I like that you’re making me wait because when we do, it’s going to be great. Consensual and great.”

“Last year was consensual,” she reminded him.

“Yeah, not the same though.”

“So you’re okay? Octavia was wrong?”

“Look, Clarke, if you say that you want to have sex right here and now, I’d be ready to go but that’s not what’s going to happen and I am okay with that. I want you to be okay with everything that happens between us when it happens. I never want you to feel like I hate you because I never have and I never will.”

“I know and I’m working on that. I just need time to get used to this, openly loving you and you loving me back and actually being able to kiss you without worrying I’m making a fool out of myself.”

Bellamy gasped, “I don’t know how I forgot about that kiss at the pond after Jake passed, it was really sweet.”

“That was humiliating! You pushed me away so quickly.”

“I get that you were in mourning but that wouldn’t have stopped the police from arresting me for statutory rape, you were fifteen and I was nineteen. I could hug you to make you feel better at that age.”

Clarke smirked, curling into his side, “You’re my favorite.”

Bellamy scoffed, starting the show. “Yeah, I know.”

* * *

It took time, time Clarke knew was important but time she thought should go to Bellamy’s thesis and her final project. Clarke thought that they’d progress to having sex before Bellamy’s birthday—before graduation—nearly two months away. Then Bellamy came home and sat at the island watching Clarke cook stir fry instead of kiss her hello like they began doing after their confessions.

“What’s going on?” she asked without turning around because she knew he wanted to be serious.

“Echo texted me.”

“Oh?”

“Don’t do that, don’t be passive aggressive about something you don’t know anything about, that’s not fair.”

Clarke turned the burner off and turned around to look at Bellamy’s sour face, “I wasn’t. So Echo texted.”

“She wants me to go to her jousting match. It’s her first one since her accident last year and wants a friendly face there.”

“You’re a friendly face?”

“Clarke…”

“No, I’m serious, you’re like a hot curmudgeon, it’s not that friendly. Um… _jousting?_ The thin pointy sword fighting?”

“That would be fencing. Jousting is the duel on horseback with the metal armor and wooden spear. They have it at Medieval Times.”

“She works at Medieval Times?”

“No, but damn it, I want a turkey leg now.”

“Too bad, you’re getting chicken stir fry.”

“I’ll survive.”

“So when is this jousting match?”

“Next weekend.”

“Okay, Octavia wanted to watch Cole so we can go.”

“‘We’?”

“Yes, _we._ I need to apologize to Echo, when else am I going to be able to do that?”

“When she’s not about to risk her life?”

“Right, so… is this a conversation we’re seriously having? _Jousting?_ ”

“That’s what I said when she first told me.”

“So how exactly did you two meet if that’s what she’s doing with her life?”

“She came into the bar after her accident and I was upset over you and we got to talking and it happened more and more frequently, I took her to her physical therapy sometimes and we became friends and then May we got really drunk and I’m a good friend and got her home safely and we had sex. I said it wasn’t happening again but I think she’s always hoped but I’m definitely calling you my girlfriend since you’re coming with me.”

“I’m good with that.”

“Can I say it all the time? You’re my girlfriend?”

“Sure, but I’m partial to ‘baby mama’,” Clarke winked turning back to the stir fry that needed a few more minute to cook before being ready.

Hands snuck around her waist as she turned the knob of the burner to heat the food back up. He pressed a gentle kiss to Clarke’s throat. “Baby mama?” he asked trying to hold back a laugh.

Clarke groaned, “Now, you see, when you say it it sounds like I’m a used up hoe.”

* * *

The whole week building up to the jousting tournament, Clarke felt horrible, she was nauseous, she couldn’t eat, aches and fatigue and a slight sore throat and she suggested on Friday that since she wasn’t better that Bellamy should go alone since she wasn’t feeling good and should stay home and rest after a week of classes.

“You’re the one that wants to go, I’m not going if you’re not.”

“Bell, she wants some support, you can do that for a few hours. I want you to go, she’s your friend.”

“But you—“

“I will be fine, it’s the flu, the more you stick around me the higher the risk of you getting it and one of us needs to be healthy to take care of Cole.”

“How do you have the flu in March?”

“I had the flu in June. Seriously, I got it the last day of school and no one saw me until the Griffin/Jaha Fourth of July party.”

Bellamy nodded, possibly remembering that, if vaguely. “Fine, but I’m making you tea before I go and tonight I’m making chicken noodle soup for you.”

“I love your chicken noodle soup.”

“Well, I love you and if you need anything, you know you can call me.”

“I’ll call O or Raven if I need anything. You’re going to be two hours away at an important jousting match.”

“With Cole, are you sure that’s safe?”

“Keep him in the stroller and cover whatever part of him is facing the match. We don’t need him getting hurt for no reason.”

“We should ask someone to watch him.”

“We’ve been enough of a burden.”

Bellamy groaned, “Fine, but I’m spending all of my spring break finishing my dissertation.”

Clarke smiled, “And you’re not going to let me read it until you made your presentation. Nerd.”

“If I let you read it, you’re going to ask me a thousand and one questions about it and I’m going to wind up hating it and throwing it out before I deal with the panel’s two thousand and two questions.”

“You already hate it because you’re complaining about the questions that will come with finishing it.”

“That and I hate your validation. I’m going to start making you soup because I’m a better person than you.”

He walked away from her curled form on the couch.

“You’re proving nothing to no one with doing that.” She called after him, “Everyone already knows!”

* * *

Okay, so maybe it was unfair to want an afternoon to herself. She played up the flu she got over two days ago and sent Bellamy with Cole to Echo’s jousting match because he really needs more friends and Cole needs fresh air. Clarke needed some alone time to think about everything.

She and Bellamy were doing great, they were talking, making jokes and laughing, showing affection and literally everything that she wished they could have been doing from the beginning. If she didn’t have a flight to catch that early, if she wasn’t so angry and just called him—hell, she could have fucking emailed like she did her mom—they wouldn’t have been at each other’s throats for months.

Clarke didn’t know what to do to make this situation normal, or maybe just for Bellamy to know what she was hoping to go for when he got home so she threw on his favorite t-shirt that was too large and hung off her shoulder, a lacy pair of black underwear underneath. A low key sexy vibe.

But of course, planning a surprise means you could be surprised in return, Bellamy walked in the door with Echo behind him.

“Clarke?” he called and she sauntered out of the kitchen, stopping short at the sight of Echo standing next to Bellamy.

“Oh, hi, Echo,” she deflated. “What’s going on?”

“I could ask you the same, you weren’t answering your phone and I got worried. What are you..?”

“Nothing, it’s stupid. I’ll go get pants,” Clarke turned and headed into her room, Bellamy behind asking Echo to watch Cole for a moment.

“Clarke, what’s going on? When I left you were sick.”

“I woke up this morning fine and I thought that maybe we could try when you got home but you brought her back.”

“I was worried about you and she won her match, we were going to grab a drink or two and I wanted to ask if it was okay.” He pulled her in close, wrapping his arms around her waist. “Whatever you want to try, whenever you want to try it, I’m down. I just can’t now. I’m sorry. You’re looking so hot right now that I wish I didn’t have to go.”

“Go have celebratory drinks with Echo, I will watch Cole.”

Bellamy grimaced, “Are you sure?”

Clarke shrugged, “What’s a few more hours worth of cobwebs down there?”

“Not a picture I really want in my head. You know I love you, right?”

“Yes,” she smiled. “I love you too.”

“I’m sorry that I ruined your plan, I would have loved to.”

“Yeah, we’ll get there, just not when either of us has been drinking, okay?”

“So tomorrow?”

“It’s a possibility, not a guarantee.”

* * *

“You’re seriously saying that Bellamy missed out on having sex with you for the first time to go have celebratory drinks with Echo?” Raven asked feeding Cole while Clarke was cooking dinner.

“Yeah, I don’t exactly blame him though, he should have more friends. I’m not one to talk though, I have the same friends that he does. I love you all but he should have people that aren’t forced to take sides if we do break up. I’m not saying it’s going to happen, I don’t want it to but it can happen.”

“You’re an ass, you know that?”

“Of course I am, how’s Roan? He’s been here for longer than six months.”

“He’s staying. We don’t need a hydrologist anymore but they think that having one on the team would be good even if he’s bored out of his mind doing nothing most of the time. I don’t know, he has time to make a decision and I told him that I shouldn’t be a factor, I can’t have that pressure on our relationship, not after Finn and Wick.”

“But you also can’t walk into whatever you have with him thinking that he’s going to be like them. They weren’t worth your time and he can make a decision with you in mind but he shouldn’t put that pressure on you, you’re not married and you don’t have a child together so his decisions are his own.”

“So if Bellamy’s best job offer is in New York, you’d go with him because of Cole?”

“I’d go with him because it’s the best thing for the three of us, not just Bellamy. I’m looking in New York and DC just like Bellamy is. I told him about Boston, L.A. and San Francisco too. They might not be the best places for him but we won’t know if we don’t try.”

“I’d miss this little guy if you guys go anywhere.”

“Yeah, it’s not like we won’t miss you at all,” Clarke smirked over her shoulder, stirring the chili that’s almost done.

“Obviously I’ll miss you guys too. Just look at his face, I can’t with those blue eyes!”

“They might change to brown, it’s dominant. Look at his hair, it’s already darker than when he was born.”

“Bellamy’s going to disown him if he doesn’t have blue eyes, do you know how attractive the brown hair/blue eye combo is?”

“Well aware, I’m still partial to brown hair and brown eyes, but that’s also jus Bellamy so,” Clarke smiled.

“I’m so glad you’re finally admitting it openly _and_ to him. Seriously, I thought it’d take a near death experience to get you to admit it.”

“Nearly. No, I just had to get drunk to tell him and then he found and read the letter I wrote him before Cole was born and he confessed his feelings the next morning. So it was under and overwhelming at the same time, it was perfect.”

Raven smiled, “When the hell is this damn food going to be done? I’m starving!”

“Yeah, how’s Cole?”

“Asleep. Do you want him in his room?”

“That’d be great, thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, filler chapter because I really didn't feel like writing this week for some reason :(


	13. Drown in It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 90% smut and PWP. Not sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... it’s been a hot minute but this is truly worth the wait. The only thing I can really say about this was that I wrote it at work... with my coworkers discussing the Most disturbing topics on the news the night before...
> 
> Title from the song Drown in It by Syd. It’s a minute and ten seconds and 88 words that discribe what I did here in... who knows how many? A lot.

“Morning,” Clarke said stepping into the kitchen and Bellamy groaned, pulling his hair back off his forehead.

“Who knew Echo was so much fun,” Clarke chuckled. “When did you get home?”

“One, maybe. I’m sorry, I texted, we each won five hundred bucks and I think I won some guy’s car too because I don’t know the keys on the counter.”

“So you did have fun, all I got out of you last night was how much better sex with me would have been than going to the bar.”

“I woke you up at one in the morning to tell you that? I’m sorry.”

“We had a really awesome make out sesh so it’s all good.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, then you were afraid you were going to puke in my mouth so you refused and conked out. It was entertaining and I think I still taste the whiskey.”

“That’s gross, brush your teeth.”

“Mm. Kane came over about an hour ago looking for you about your thesis but settled on stealing our son so you can work on that more before he comes back if you want, I was going to the grocery store and work on a nearly late paper so…”

“You’re not looking to jump my bones is what I’m hearing.”

“Shower and we’ll see,” she winked and headed into the bathroom herself to brush her teeth.

* * *

 **Mom** (3:37 pm): We would like to keep Cole for the night.

 **Clarke** (3:38 pm): Sounds good, Bellamy and I have work to do on our papers so that’s very helpful. Thank you.

 **Mom** (3:40 pm): Have a good night. Be safe ;)

“Abby just texted me a ‘be safe’ text with a wink face,” Clarke grimaced looking over to Bellamy lounging on the couch, his laptop in his lap as he grimaced at it through his glasses. Where did he find them this time?

“Hmm?” he asked still glaring at the screen and definitely not paying attention to Clarke or what she’d said.

An idea sparked in her head and she yanked her shirt over her head, dropping it carelessly on the floor as she walked over to Bellamy, quickly placed his laptop on the coffee table and straddled him.

“Hey, what…” his complaint quickly faded under the incessant pressure of Clarke’s lips on his. “Hey,” he smiled when they finally came up for air, his fingers stroking her waist softly.

“We don’t have Cole tonight,” Clarke sighed, her lips grazing his nose, their foreheads pressed together. Her fingers pulling at his shirt.

“Is that so?” His fingers brushed along her back, sending shivers up her spine.

She nodded, leaning down to press a wary kiss to his lips, does he not want to? Bellamy moaned, one hand sliding up her body to her neck, holding her in place as his tongue delved in her mouth, deepening the kiss.

He leaned forward and pulled his shirt over his head before pulling Clarke back to him and she sighed when he moved to her neck, laving his tongue over her heated skin, keening breathlessly as her fingers wound tighter in his hair.

“Bell, I… we…” she didn’t know exactly what she wanted to say, she just didn’t want this to end. She didn’t want him to back out or to tell her later and finish his paper, she’s been wanting this for weeks, what if he hadn’t?

“I love you, Clarke,” he murmured against her skin as his lips traveled down her throat and shoulder to the bare skin above the edge of her lilac bra. Before he pulled back and stared, a little slack-jawed, and she’d be lying if she said she doesn’t appreciate it.

“They’re just boobs,” she teased. “You’ve seen them before.”

“Not yours,” he said, leaning in to wrap his mouth around a nipple, through the lace.

He kept going, mouthing at her through the material and she’s quickly writhing and desperate in his lap, and finally just reached back to unsnap the damn thing and yank it off.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I took this from us,” he said wrapping his lips around her other nipple that’s now fully exposed.

“I don’t want to think about it,” she moaned when he brought his teeth into his tongue’s ministrations. Her fingers working their way down from his shoulders to his belt buckle, “We’re here now.”

Bellamy groaned and wrapped his arms around her tightly, holding her to him. “Clarke…”

“Don’t you dare apologize, Bellamy. Please, I can’t have you apologizing for everything. I want this, don’t you?”

“Fuck, babe, of course I do.”

“Good,” she smiled, sneaking her hand between them and popped the button of his jeans open.

“Fuck,” he sighed as her hand slipped under the waistband of his boxers, stroking him.

“That’s the plan.”

Clarke stroked Bellamy between their bodies until he lifted her off him so he could pull his pants and boxers down his thighs, his cock slapped up against his stomach before Clarke got it back in her hands, for another stroke as her inner walls convulsed at the sight of the veins and precum seeping out.

“Condom?” he choked out as her thumb ran up the underside of his cock to the head, collecting the precum before sucking her thumb into her mouth, rubbing herself back and forth over him, slicking him up.

“I’m on birth control.”

“Yeah?” Bellamy breathed, his eyes hooded and raw before pressing another kiss to her lips. “You sure?”

“The only thing that could happen is another baby.”

Bellamy sighed, “Clarke…”

“I’m sorry, it won’t happen, okay? I just… want to feel all of you.”

Bellamy surged up, pulling her down into a deep kiss, licking into her with no abandon. “Lift up,” he smirked, pulling her hips up and away from him.

He held the base of his cock, stroking her opening teasingly before aligning himself and pulled her back down, sheathing himself within her. The empty ache between her thighs became a euphoric flood of delight.

If she rose on her knees, she could feel him dragging against her on the way out, making her squeeze suddenly empty muscles, not wanting to let him go. If she sank down, he pushed into her sweetly, inch by inch as their breaths entwined between gasps and honey kisses.

She was moving too slowly to satisfy either of them. She hated how he was letting her dictate what happened, she liked his dominance while it frightened her. She doesn’t know how to be in control like this as he held her hips, making sure she didn’t hurt either of them if she somehow slipped, she’s so wet and willing that the possibility was there.

Her mind flickered to last time they had sex the night she left, she remembered him climaxing last time, she’d been flat on her back, she didn’t freak out when he came inside her even though she wasn’t on the pill. He didn’t have time to put on a condom so what the hell was she drunkenly thinking when she let it all play out how it had.

“Princess,” he breathed and she looked down into his pleading eyes.

Her thrusts were drawn out impossibly slower when she leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth, peppering more across his cheek until she licked his earlobe into her mouth and nibbled at it. “You want to fuck me like this, Bell?” She whispered. “Fuck up into me until I’m seeing stars, until my walls are convulsing around you begging you to come with me?”

He growled and she nipped his ear again while pushing herself back down over him and she nearly came right then.

“I need you to use your words, baby. What do you want?” Clarke pulled away from his ear and looked at Bellamy’s face, his eyes drawn shut and his mouth hung open in a perfect O as she pulled off him completely, teasing him and unfortunately herself with the emptiness.

His eyes shot open and his lips shut with a hard growl as Bellamy surged forward, latching his mouth around a nipple, driving Clarke absolutely mad before pulling back and looking into her eyes earnestly. “I want to fuck you. Please, babe, can I fuck you?”

“Do you need to fuck me?”

“I’ve needed to fuck you since I met you. I’m always going to want to fuck you. It’s you, it’s always…” he breathed. “Always been you. Please, babe!”

Clarke bit back a smirk. “You’ve been so good to me, letting me take my time. Letting me come to you. It’s only fair that I let you come for me, right?” she rolled her hips over him, teasingly, agonizingly slow and Bellamy’s eyes fluttered. “Fuck me, Bell. Fuck me until you come.”

Bellamy smirked, sliding down the couch some before gripping her hips just a little too roughly, soothing his thumbs over the probable bruise that will be there in the morning if he kept at it, which he might and Clarke definitely won’t protest. A little pain with her pleasure. One hand left her hip and adjusted his cock at her entrance before looking up into her eyes.

“Are you good?” He asked, as the tip pushed in and Clarke squeezed around it, aching for more of him.

“Yes. Please, Bell.”

He surged up and kissed Clarke. “Hold on the back of the couch,” he growled, pushing up into her more and Clarke’s eyes fluttered as she did what he said, a hand on either side of his head.

Bellamy dropped back against the cushion of the couch, leaving only the tip of his cock inside her before thrusting up fully sheathing himself inside her. Clarke gasped, shuttering and nearly failed at holding herself up, thankful for Bellamy’s hands at her hips holding her in place with sensuous strokes counteracting the fierce and fast thrusts pounding into her.

“Bell,” she breathed, watching his face as he watched himself disappear within her. “Look at me.”

His eyes shot up to her and she didn’t see anything she remembered, this was pure love and affection. She spent what felt like hours searching for anything that could hurt her within his gaze, anything that reminded her of last year but this Bellamy hasn’t been angry in months, not when she didn’t deserve it. Regret, that’s what she was missing, love and affection and regret, that’s what was in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he uttered before blinking and latching onto her breast lavishly, adding that to him slamming into her deeply, the coil deep within her was tightening so tightly she was afraid she was going to break when she finally came undone, screaming his name as her muscles quakes around him causing Bellamy’s own orgasm to spew deep within her. Clarke sighed as Bellamy wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her down, all her weight crashing into him as he licked something white off his lips.

“What was that?” she breathed, before feeling something wet between their chests that wasn’t sweat, it was slicker and maybe slightly thicker.

She was pulling away to look when Bellamy held her tighter. He was still inside her, cock soft as his cum dripped out of her and onto him.

“You were lactating,” he smiled softly, rubbing her back.

“And you…” she could feel her face heating up with embarrassment and she looked away.

“Babe, stop freaking out. Our son nurses, it’s natural, and it tasted damn good. It was a shock at first, don’t get me wrong but it’s sweet and I liked it.”

Clarke sighed. “Is this always going to happen? What happened to normal consensus sex where nothing weird or bad happens?”

“Princess,” he pleaded. “It’s natural. You’re still nursing and it’s only been seven months. It’s going to happen for at least another year.”

“Did you read a baby book?”

Bellamy smiled, his cock twitched inside her. “A few.”

“And what did they say about the father having breast milk?”

“Uh, they didn’t. Clarke, I’m not saying I wasn’t curious about it, I’m also not upset that it happened. I love you and I love our son, this is a part of both of you. I’m not going to obsess over it and want to suck your tits hoping to obtain some. They’re fucking fantastic though, even before you being pregnant they were amazing.”

“You saying you checked me out, Blake?”

“Damn right, Princess. You’re the prettiest sight I’ve ever seen.”

Clarke smiled, lifting off him and laid down on the couch, not willing to get up yet. Bellamy slid in behind her, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close.

“Thank you, Princess,” he whispered against her shoulder before pressing a kiss on her bare skin and nuzzling into her hair as she dozed off, still embarrassed but less so because Bellamy loves every single piece of her just as she loved every single piece of him.


	14. Do I Make You Wanna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do I Make You Wanna by Billy Currington

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the end note, I never let things get to me but the comments I’ve been getting on this have been atrocious and I’m over it.

“I’m pregnant,” Clarke said softly, idly tracing the freckles on Bellamy’s shoulder blades. He was lying on his stomach on the blanket next to her as Raven and Roan built a horrendous sandcastle with Cole closer to the water.

Bellamy turned his head and looked up at her over his sunglasses. “You’re…?” His eyebrows were fighting with his face, going between shock and excitement. “You’re pregnant,” he said finally with a happy smile, turning onto his side and kissed her properly. “God, I…”

“You’re happy?” Her brows furrowed, the last time they discussed having another baby it was decidedly not a good time. She didn’t plan this, she missed her period and went to Dr. Tsing who confirmed the pregnancy a few days ago and it’s been chewing her up. Cole will be three in two months and they’re having another baby.

“Of course, I’m happy, babe. I always wanted more kids, the timing just wasn’t good. We started new jobs, O and Lincoln got married, Miller and Eric moved in together. We moved into a house and I lost my job. That last one was four months of hell. We’re good now, right?”

“We’re perfect,” Clarke smiled even though her ring finger was still bare.

She didn’t want to push him, she knew what marriage was for him, what his mother went through with Octavia’s father before Clarke met her, but she also wondered if he saw her parents, her mother and Kane, O and Lincoln, they’re married and happy and stable and not abusive. Why hasn’t he asked her?

She didn’t say anything, hasn’t for the two years since graduation. She looked over at Raven and Roan, playing with the babbling Cole in the hot sand and asked, “Do you think they’ll get married?”

“Raven and Roan?”

“Yeah.”

“I thought Raven had something with Luna.”

“I think she does, I think they’re in an open relationship but they keep going back to each other.”

“Mmm, they could be thrupling,” Bellamy smirked, pulling Clarke closer to him. “I just want them to be happy.” He looks like he wants to say something else but smiled.

“Are you happy?”

“Clarke,” he sighed.

“I’m not allowed to ask that?”

“I just… I love you, you know that. And I love Cole.”

“But.”

“I don’t know if I’m capable of being happy.”

“Bell…” Clarke sighed and licked her dry lips, she really hates the beach.

“It’s not you, I wasn’t happy as a kid, I didn’t have anything to be happy about until O’s dad was thrown in jail and I think at that point I didn’t exactly care. I was fifteen and I was getting a lot of female attention at school, happiness wasn’t my top priority.”

“What exactly do you think happiness is?”

“The state of being content.”

Clarke scoffed, “Alright, Mr. Dictionary, what does that mean to you?”

“I don’t know, I mean in the grand scheme of things I should be happy, right? Girl of my dreams, a healthy son, another baby on the way. My job isn’t problematic and we have a house. I don’t worry about Octavia as much. I should be happy.”

“Your job?”

“It’s not my dream job, it’s fine.”

“Could that be the problem?”

Bellamy shrugged, “I don’t know. Why are you so worried about me?”

“I just want you to be happy.”

“I love you, we have a cute son and you’re pregnant again. I’m happy.”

“Bellamy, don’t do that, don’t patronize me. I know you, something’s up and has been for a while.”

“Fine, remember that weekend you took Cole to your parents and I had to stay because I was scheduled for a few tours?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, the whole way home I couldn’t stop thinking about getting home to you, Cole would already be asleep and we could have sex. I was throbbing for you then I had the key in the lock when I remembered you weren’t home for the weekend and I was still horny and I like visuals so I watched some porn.”

“Babe, I watch porn too, it’s normal.”

“That’s not it, I went to my usual favorites and I… I couldn’t so I thought of what the difference was between having sex with you and what I was watching and when I figured it out I creeped myself out. Not because it’s gross but I guess since it’s been so long it’s a kink or fetish.”

“Does it involve genitals?” Clarke asked seriously because she unfortunately knows the definition and differences of the two.

“Are nipples genitals?”

“Female nipples are legally considered genitalia.”

“Okay, so then, yes. Female nipples.”

Clarke laughed, “Then it’s a kink. What’s going on?”

“You lactate every time and I couldn’t come without going down that rabbit hole of the porn world.”

Clarke bit back her smile. “I haven’t breastfed Cole in almost a year. It’s still…”

“Maybe your body knows? I—I don’t know, Clarke. It’s not as much as it was before but I didn’t think it was a big deal until that happened and then…”

Clarke thought about the last few times they had sex and Bellamy didn’t go near her breasts once and it took him longer than when he did. “Babe, if you like it, don’t deprive yourself. I’m having another baby, it’s going to come back and be messy again like it was after Cole. I love your mouth on me, I love knowing that you love how I taste and you call me your sweet princess. It turns me on too. Remember when it first happened and I was so embarrassed? You talked about it and said it’s normal. This is normal too.”

“I love you,” Bellamy smiled, leaning in and kissing her. “Thank you.”

“All right, you two love birds. Enough of that,” Raven called, walking over to them from the sandcastle with Cole on Roan’s shoulders. “Who’s ready for lunch?”

“Me! Me! Meee!” Cole exclaimed bouncing on Roan.

“Yo, bud! Please don’t bounce on me, it hurts!” Roan complained lifting him over his head and carried him the rest of the way over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, Clarke smirking at the sight of Cole kicking Roan’s pectorals and it making absolutely no difference to Roan.

Raven sat on the blanket next to Clarke and Bellamy, giving them a warning to sit up or something bad will happen. They sat up and Clarke smirked at Raven who snuck a bottle of champagne and sparkling apple cider for Clarke and Cole.

“So, before lunch,” Raven started as Roan sat down, containing Cole’s wiggling form in his lap. “Roan and I have something to tell you guys and I really wish O and Lincoln didn’t bale because this is something big.”

“We’re pregnant,” Roan said and Raven smacked his shoulder.

“Wait, what? I thought you…”

“We found a surrogate and she’s about two and a half months along and we didn’t want to tell anyone until she was through the first trimester but we’re too excited about it to stay quiet and I can’t believe he wouldn’t let me say it!”

“That’s still amazing news! What… what about Luna?” Clarke asked.

“Well the three of us talked it out extensively and decided that if the surrogate was willing and it stuck if they could be twins, one Luna’s and one mine and Roan for the father and the first time nothing stuck and we tried again and we’re getting two babies for the price of one. Bad joke, we paid the surrogate a little extra for it. Luna could have gotten pregnant but Roan wanted to see both of us swollen with child or neither of us so this was the best way to go. The only thing was that the surrogate thinks it’s just me and Roan because polyamory isn’t common or taken well.”

“So is that why Luna isn’t here?” Bellamy asked.

“No, she… look, we love you guys but we also know it’s a strange dynamic with the three of us here.”

“We love all three of you, we want you all here, especially with news like this! This is awesome!” Clarke smiled. “I’m pregnant too,” she added and Bellamy gave her a weird look.

“Oh, my god!” Raven smiled surging up and hugged Clarke. “I’m so happy for you guys, you didn’t tell me you were trying.”

“We weren’t,” Bellamy said simply and Clarke couldn’t decipher the blank look on his face. He’s a contradiction today.

“Oh, anyway, we have champagne and sparkling apple cider for Cole and… and Clarke to celebrate and then we were going to take you to that restaurant you guys love on the way home.”

Clarke smiled, “Oh, thank you guys, you shouldn’t though.”

“Please, it’s our treat, you guys have been amazing to us and letting us practice on this little runt so we feel like we owe you,” Roan explained, messing up Cole’s unruly black curls he got from his father.

* * *

“What was that today?” Clarke asked from the bathroom door, watching Bellamy pull his sleep shirt over his head before crawling into their bed.

“What was what?”

“Telling them we weren’t trying for a baby, not looking happy when I told them. If you don’t want this…”

“I don’t know what I want, Clarke! I don’t know what happened to me. We had Cole and we got better and we graduated and we both got the jobs we wanted in DC and we moved a little closer to the city. We saw our friends on the weekends and your parents on holidays and we were the perfect picture of domestic life right out of college and that wasn’t normal but it was us. I lost my job at the National Museum of Natural History, you still work at Hirshhorn. Losing that job, not having a fall back and feeling like a useless burden for four months before the Law Enforcement Museum hired me, it sucked and I’m so interested in what I’m doing now!”

“I know that, Bellamy. So tell me what you want. Tell me something so I can try and make this better because I feel like I’m losing you. That maybe I already lost you.”

Bellamy’s head slammed back against the headboard and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “This isn’t what I thought I would be doing and we can’t afford for me to go back to school so that’s not…”

“Why do you want to go back?”

“A teaching degree. I have a masters in history and I’m not usi—“

“Go back then, please. I love you, Bellamy and I hate seeing you so obviously unhappy. If teaching kids about history will make you happy, then please do it. Get there however you need to.”

“Clarke, I… I can’t ask you to sit around, unable to do anything fun because I’m spending all our money on school.”

“I want you to.”

“And I want to marry you!” He sighed, eyes locking with hers from across the room.

“You do?”

“God, of course I do. I want the whole big wedding, to dance with you in a poofy white princess dress to a horribly corny song that will be our favorite for the rest of our lives.” She thought back to Halloween her freshman year of college and her costume and dancing with Bellamy. “But if I go back to school we can’t do that. God, I can’t even scrounge up enough money to buy you a decent ring as a tour guide.”

Clarke walked over to her jewelry box and pulled out her favorite ring of her grandmother’s that Abby gave her after Jake died, something precious to take care of while her heart was mending or some shit her mother probably read in a hallmark card. It’s a simple little sapphire with two tiny diamonds on either side. A ring worthy of an engagement.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, she handed him the ring. “Ask me.”

“Clarke, this is the least romantic proposal ever.”

“I don’t care about flare. I just want you to ask me.”

“Clarke Elizabeth Griffin,” Bellamy smiled at her in awe, taking her hand in his. “Will you please let me ask you to marry me properly at a later date?”

Clarke groaned. “I hate you,” she grimaced, collapsing into his lap and he laughed softly, combing her hair back away from her face before getting to work on detangling the knots. “Okay, I love you. Yes, I can wait.”

Bellamy pressed a kiss to her temple as he continued to work out the knots. “I like this ring, it’s better than the ones I’ve been looking at.”

“I know the saying is diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but I like sapphires and that is a family heirloom. My grandpa gave it to her for their fortieth anniversary.”

“So it represents longevity?”

Clarke chuckled, “It could.”

“Come cuddle, I want to hold my favorite girl.”

Clarke sat back up, watching Bellamy lay back and place the ring on his nightstand.

Once he was settled, she climbed up over him and placed her head on his chest just over his heart. She loved hearing the moment he fell asleep, his heart one of the two tells along with his slow even breathing. “I’m going to say yes.”

“Worst non-proposal ever,” he chuckled, rubbing her back in the way that always lulled her to sleep.

* * *

It wasn’t that Clarke forgot about that night per say, it was more of her life became busier and as a result she forgot that he wants to ask her properly and the only time she remembered that he does want to marry her was when she was crashing into their bed at the end of the day and the ring box she watched him slip the ring into the morning after was on the shelf over their bed.

She didn’t show her disappointment or wish that he would get it over with because she knows the weight of tying their lives together permanently, how much it weighed on him. She loves him and will give him all the time and space he needs to wrap his head around the idea.

Of course, Abigail Griffin had other plans.  
“You’re having a second child, don’t you want to settle down and make everything easier? Your taxes won’t be so difficult if you were married.”

“Mom,” Clarke sighed, glad Bellamy went off with Kane, Jaha, and Lincoln to look at some project Lincoln was building for Jaha.

“What? I’m concerned about my daughter and grandchildren. What am I supposed to think when every time I see you you’re not telling me you’re getting married. Doesn’t he want to?”

“Bellamy and I are in a good place. We’re not worrying about that, not with his classes.”

“Classes?”

“Teaching license classes, he has a bunch of classes to take and learn from so he can teach kids that nerds can be hot too,” Clarke smirked. It wasn’t any of his reasons but it was a funny one that she liked.

“Clarke…”

“He’s serious about it and he’s been unhappy at the museums so I’m supporting him.”

“It’s a pay cut,” Abby grimaced.

“Yeah, it is but if it’s going to make him happy, who cares about money?”

“I can call some private schools, they have more money and…”

“Mom, please don’t. You know how Bellamy gets when people help him.”

“At least let me compile a list of schools who are looking for history teachers.”

“You’re using Kane’s access?”

“I’m doing what’s best for my daughter and grandchildren. No holds barred.”

“I appreciate that, Mom, but we will be fine. Bellamy’s looking for his purpose and it’s not telling the shitty history of law enforcement. A minority is talking up law enforcement, it’s an oxymoron.”

“He thinks teaching will fulfill the void?”

“I don’t know, but it’s what he wants and you know Bellamy, he acts without thinking a lot of the time but he wasn’t the same person for weeks before he said that he wanted to do this. He’s been thinking about it.”

“And Octavia, what’s going on with her?”

“I don’t know, I’ve reached out but nothing, I’m hoping Lincoln brings it up because Bellamy’s starting to worry too.”

“Lincoln has been very tight lipped about it all.”

“You’ve been talking to Lincoln?”

“Kane and I have been spending more time here. Thelonious has been a big help with the campaign.”

“Right. The campaign.”

“Marcus loves his job, Clarke, and he is trying to do what’s best for the country and the people of Virginia but it’s not easy.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You’re judging,” Abby grimaced.

“I just don’t understand why they’re not doing anything about the real issues and focusing on marijuana or something else that’s irrelevant to people’s lives.”

* * *

“Are you going to tell us what’s going on with you?” Raven asked Octavia at the first girls’ night in six months.

“What are you talking about?” O asked, taking a sip of her Pinot Grigio.

“You haven’t talked to anyone in months,” Clarke noted.

“I—“ O sighed. “I have a sister. She’s twelve and I’m trying to get custody because our dad was just sent back to jail and her mom is an addict.”

“You’re going through this alone? Why haven’t you told Bellamy?” Clarke grimaced.

“He doesn’t need to worry about this, not with everything else going on with him.”

“Wait, what’s going on?” Raven asked turning to Clarke.

“He’s going back to school.”

“That’s great but there has to be more than that going on.”

“He’s nervous about the baby too and the mortgage and I have pre-eclampsia.”

“Clarke…” Octavia grimaced while Raven exclaimed; “What the hell?”

“It’s not a big deal, I just can’t get worked up over stuff. I don’t want this to be a big deal, I’m working hard on keeping my blood pressure down. You know me and stress but I’ve been keeping calm, drawing more, it’s good. I’m good.”

“How’s Bellamy taking that?”

“Horribly, I have to ignore his mothering,” Clarke smirked. “He’s very focused on school but he’s also worrying like there’s no tomorrow. I’m fine when he isn’t smothering me with concern.”

“He’s grossly in love with you,” Octavia grimaced.

“Yeah, what about you? Raven and I are having babies and you’re getting a preteen? You juts have to beat us at our own game?”

Octavia chuckled, “I didn’t intend on this being the outcome, it’s just how it is. Madi’s a kid, she deserves to have someone looking out for her.”

“You didn’t have to hide this from us, we’re here to support you and everything that entails. This is big!”

“They don’t think I’m ready to take in a twelve year old. Me and Lincoln, we never had a kid or even had to take care of someone else so it’s going to be a process before we get her. I’ve met her, we’ve spent time together, it’s just difficult with all the bureaucracy.”

“I can ask Kane if he can help you.”

“Lincoln said the same thing, but it’s weird. Knowing someone who could actually make our lives easier and using that connection to our advantage, it feels weird.”

“That’s part of how the world works though,” Clarke shrugged. “All you have to do is ask him and he’ll do his best to help. He might not be able to do anything but it’s something.”

Octavia nodded and their waiter came over to take their order.

* * *

Clarke walked into the house after the night with the girls and there were candles lit going all the way up the stairs, which, dangerous, but romantic, she smiled.

She kicked off her shoes and dropped her keys in the bowl next to the door and followed the candles up the stairs where they turned to rose pedals and she expected soft romantic music to be playing in their room but there were more candles and rose pedals and Clarke smile widened as the trail lead her to their master bathroom and the giant whirlpool tub that Bellamy demanded to be put in when they bought the house.

A bubble bath was already prepared with a glass of what she hoped to be sparkling cider of the nonalcoholic variety on the ledge with a hand written note.

_Princess,_

_I’m putting our son to bed for the night. Lay back and relax. Tonight is all about you. I’ll be in when Cole’s asleep._

_I love you._

_B_

Clarke smiled and pulled her shirt over her head before pushing her leggings off along with her underwear. Unclasping her bra was the best feeling she’s experienced next to holding Cole in her arms for the first time.

She stepped into the bath and laid down, her head against the soft foam pillow they didn’t expect to come built into the tub they ordered. Her eyes fluttered shut at the immense amount of calmness that overcame her and she wondered if Bellamy threw in some lavender epsom salt.

“Hey,” she heard softly some time later.

“Not thirsty?”

She shook her head, her eyes still closed, she’s so relaxed she doesn’t care what’s happening. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this relaxed.”

“You should always be this relaxed. It’s good for the baby.”

“It’s a boy… I just have a feeling,” she breathed, they won’t find out for another three or so weeks.

“I can work with that. I can also work with a girl, they’d both be cool.”

“Our kids are going to be super nerds,” Clarke smiled fondly as she turned the hot water on with her foot.

“Baby, would you look at me for a minute?”

“Only if you join me.”

“Definitely part of the plan.”

“There’s a plan?” she smirked.

“Babe, please.”

Clarke opened her eyes and looked over at Bellamy who was on one knee with the ring in his fingers and she bit her lip to refrain from screaming yes before he even asked her.

“Princess, I had a whole speech prepared and I know this was my idea but the thought of getting my hands on your naked body is insanely intoxicating and I forgot every word so I’m going to get down to it. Clarke, will you marry me?”

“If I say no are you still joining me?”

“If you say no I’m going to be devastated.”

“Then it’s a good thing it was never an option,” she smiled. “Of course, I’ll marry you.”

Bellamy chuckled, “You don’t make anything easy, do you?” He shook his head as he grabbed her hand out of the water and the mass of bubbles, slipping the ring onto her finger.

“Nope, you’re going to regret marrying me.”

“Never,” he leaned over and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips before standing, his knee popped as he went.

He stripped out of his clothes and Clarke sat up so he could slip in behind her.

“How are my babies doing?” Bellamy asked, his hands roaming over her small baby bump.

“Good. Octavia told us what’s going on tonight.”

“Yeah? Is it something I should know about or something about her and Lincoln having kids which I don’t need to picture.”

“In the middle. She has a half sister that she’s trying to get custody of because their dad is in jail and her mother is an addict.”

“Why the hell didn’t she tell me?”

“I think she wanted to do something on her own, without her brother getting involved to help her like you always do. It’s part of what I love about you.”

A month later Octavia found out she can’t get custody because of her stupid arrest five years ago for fighting some guy in a bar who wouldn’t leave her alone. Clarke and Bellamy agreed to try to bring Madi into their family and were married three weeks after Clarke gave birth to their second son, Levi. Madi started staying with them soon after and another year later she was an official member of the Griffin-Blake family.

Octavia saw the spunky teenager every weekend and everyone was happy for the most part. Madi clicked with Clarke instantly and loved helping with the boys. She was obsessed with comic books and got Cole into them, he loved Spiderman and the only thing that got Levi to sleep was Bellamy’s mythological stories and Clarke knew it was because he always whispered them against her stomach when she was pregnant with him.

Bellamy got his teaching certificate and started working in a public high school and he worked on his happiness, learning that it wasn’t something that just happened, but something you worked on to become.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember that I’m sharing because I love The 100 and Bellarke so attacking me goes nowhere and makes me want to withdraw from sharing. If you have concerns, I always try and respond with an answer that fully explains where I was taking the moment(s) you ask about.  
> Also remember that you don’t know me and you don’t know where I come from or what I’ve been through and going through and how I cope with it all so if I do offend you, I don’t mean to and I apologize because I know that not everyone is like me and has my humor and coping mechanisms.  
> That being said, I am finishing this story because I’m so disheartened. I write because I love it and I want to share my little slices of insanity with you. I’m never like this, I don’t let the opinion of one person dictate how I feel or write. If you don’t like what I’m writing then don’t read it. It’s that simple.  
> Comment and let me know how you feel about this ending and I’m sorry for the rant. -J


End file.
